This is Suze

I put myself in a box

I have had a really profound revelation for me. Mostly thanks to a conversation with one of my Patrons over Skype. He said to me "you've made a trap for yourself". We were talking about NSFW content, we were talking about how if you make something your sole income then it can stop being the creative spontaneous expression it started out to be. 

I've totally fallen into the trap.

AND it feels totally freeing, to call myself on it. To unravel this trap that I made, and find my ...

5 Rhythms

This is a style of dance I sometimes do in the mornings to shake off any unwanted feelings and emotions. Dancing helps me to get into my body and out of my mind. It guides me through different body parts, waking up different energies within!

Survival

This morning I woke up feeling full of anger towards myself. Talking always helps. It's therapy. The truth will really set you free, as painful as it may be to share our complete truth, it's better out than in. 

After this video I dance it off, with some 5 Rhythms, but I'll share that with you tomorrow and explain a bit about what that is for any of you that have never heard of it before!

WWAFPD

If you're an Amanda Palmer fan, then you'll get the title of this vlog.

The conversation of incidental nudity and nsfw continues as one of my patrons tells me that AFP's Patreon channel contains nudity, on a public patreon channel...

NSFW content

Feeling under pressure to film in HD, I borrowed a friends phone...but it wasn't until I got home that I realised that their sound doesn't sync correctly to the video :-( I have tried to edit it in a way that it syncs properly, but I just couldn't find a way. 

I will not let it get in my way of sharing the message I have today. It feels like external forces are always getting in the way of life running smoothly. Or maybe life is just mirroring me. Maybe I am needing some things to ...

Accepting boring

sometimes I just want to jump to the good bits. If life is not exciting I want to skip, like a movie, to the good parts. Sometimes it feels like the boring bits take up so much time. I guess I either enjoy them, or just savour the fact that the more boring bits, the better the good bits are gonna' feel ;-)

Saying no

Wow, it has been quite a few crazy months. I feel like life is saying "don't waste your time" "what do you want?" "do you have it?" if not just say NO!

Letting go

Relationship coming to an end....the shop clsed,,,break down of friendships...feels like a lot of my technology is breaking down too....time to let go...and time to let in....

When everything is breaking down

It's been really hard for me to do anything lately. Even the pressure of making my videos and getting them out here has just been difficult. I feel like life is breaking down. Today I'm wondering if it's for the best. Maybe the things that are no longer needed are falling away. Nature abhors a vacuum, so space is being created for something better.

Exhaustion

Totally exhausted!!!!!!!!!! 

I closed the shop down on Wednesday, we had a party. I'll fill you in with some pics and videos...but basically it was a venture that lost me money and time, and I did learn a lot, I learnt that I love being an ambassador for others, to celebrate and promote other people's work, and I also learned that our time is valuable and I can't do everything, and so it's important to do only what you love, and also what brings value and profit to yourself and val...

Value

Hey guys, here are my thoughts on the latest feedback from you about new tiers, current content etc.  I am committed to making my content here on Patreon and I am determined to produce the best that I can. Thinking of you. Suze ;-)

Let's go HD

Thanks for all your comments and messages. Today I made an HD video with another phone. It's been uploading for the last few hours!! So I'll hopefully be able to post it in the morning! 

Today I made the decision to close this pop up shop that I created. It's sad to see something I created not last very long. But on the positive side, I'll have more time to devote to Patreon full time. And I am looking forward to designing new tiers and getting back into juicy content creating. Fee...

Quality and value

The quality of this video sucks because my iphone is broken, and i am not willing to replace it because I think iphones suck. Which leaves me with a decision on getting a new phone with another brand because the quality from my mac computer isn't much better. Making decisions for me right now also sucks because I have CPTSD and lately the stress has been mounting and making simple decisions has become, well, seriously stressful. To the point where I am finding it hard to make even the smalles...

When the dust settles

I am not even going to read the comments and messages right now. I was so triggered the other day and it all started when I was coming home from a long day, and i turned to my partner and said cold drink before we get home? So we stopped and had a glass of wine and then he downed his too quickly on an empty stomach, after a merengue class and needed to eat. Quite some time passed and I felt myself getting so mad. I hadn't communicated to him that I'd be going home to edit my Patreon video, an...

triggered

It's interesting. I was out working all day, and then I got home quite late and set out to edit a Patreon video. But then I saw all the comments in reply to my questions and it just triggered me so much. I know I can be impulsive and reactive at times, but the comments just made me shut down. Made me want to stop producing content. Made me want to reconsider everything that I share. Made me consider if vulnerability and authenticity has any value in this world. Definitely made me want to put ...

New tier!

Good morning everyone! It has been an interesting few months and if I have learned something from the stressful times it is SIMPLIFY SIMPLIFY SIMPLIFY! So I got thinking about what I want to create between now and the end of the year, and I decided that I want to create 2 NEW TIERS! 

The first would be the SELF PLEASURE CHALLENGE

and the second is

IN BED WITH SUZE- a series of intimate conversations...in a bed with Suze!

For both of these I would need a profession...

Freedom or whether it's ok to have a hairy pussy

These are the thoughts running through my brain. Freedom is the topic of conversation. It's always there. This is the authenticity challenge after all, and freedom is the goal. Happy Friday everyone. What ways are you judging yourself and worrying what other people think? Or is it just me?

Sea time Me time

I've noticed how triggered I've become lately. Too much pressure? Self induced? Probably.

I took a little time for me this last week. One thing that has become an addition to my ability to cope, has been this technique from the man known as the Iceman. I took myself to the sea to challenge myself to swim alone and followed it off with some Wim Hof breathing...in this video I talk you through what's going on in my mind...

Getting out of the head

I went into my head, feeling angry about a hundred things, then I was reminded to do Wim Hof, to get out of my head, I only did one round, but it was like a reset button. I remembered that I can do anything I put my mind to and I don't need to default to keep falling back into the pattern of relying on people. Solitude is probably what's needed. I know there's a rainbow somewhere past these clouds. 

Susie Homemaker

It's almost a novelty being at home. Having time to do the dishes. My life has felt like such a circus the last few weeks, there hasn't felt like there's much joy, definitely not much s-p-a-c-e, time for myself, time to just do whatever the mood takes me, and I need to  live life like this, the way I intended to really feel calm and alive. Lately I have not felt calm, I have not felt happy, and so everything just feels overwhelming and as if life is caving in on me. 

5,4,3,2,1

Things are weighing down on me and to get things done, I've reverted to the 5,4,3,2,1, rule. Which means giving myself a countdown of 5 seconds in order to complete a task. Sounds nuts? Well maybe. But I am seriously overwhelmed and I feel like my head is about to explode!

Pool Party

I promised I'd share  a wee sneak of the pool party...so here it is....

One of those days

This is real authenticity of life. And how it sometimes goes

What would life have been like if...

It's definitely time of the month. I could cry at the drop of a hat, feeling reflective and emotional

Under pressure

When everything feels like it's on top of me.

Not the most uplifting video of all time. I'll publish footage from the pool party next. Sometimes my human experience  amazes me. One day I'm down, the next day I'm up. For now, all I need is to re-charge my batteries.

Wim Hof

Wim Hof: I breathe in and out to the point of hyper ventilating for 4 minutes

Next: I exhale fully and stay exhaled while working out as hard as i can until I have to inhale

: I Inhale. Hold. Until I have to exhale.

Why the f*** am I doing this?

This morning i was triggered as f****, to the point where I was going round and round in circles upset by the person I am currently working with. i knew I needed to get back in to my body. That sounds a bit like my body is a ju...

My home by the sea

For ages I was wanting to move by the sea, and nothing was flowing. I was thinking the Dominican Republic, or maybe down to Brighton where I grew up in the UK, but nothing quite flowed. Until last year when I came back to Gozo and saw this magical island in a whole new light...

Sometimes I pinch myself that I am here

Thanks to Petra for helping me make this video :-)

Radical honesty

Something that I am always exploring in my relationships is honesty. Total radical truth. 

When my partner told me "I'm not that in love with you"

The truth can be painful. Yes. But I would rather feel the temporary hit of pain from hearing it, than live in a bubble hiding from the truth for years.

This was how I felt after hearing that my new boyfriend is "not that in love with me" and how my body started to take in the news...

Does my partner have to be in love with me?

My authentic process of making vlogs

Another name for this video might be...how much I'm hating myself right now....