PATREON EXCLUSIVE: 18 Yr Old Female Influencer Is Scared She Is Manipulative

I think you nailed it in the video - In you reading back this girl's story, I hear a young girl who is still emotionally naïve trying to diagnose herself as the issue in a situation where I'm not quite sure she's the problem. I don't think she should have monkey branched from her current boyfriend to the new guy, and I think the fact that she doesn't talk about how she feels about leaving her current boyfriend a good indicator that there is a level of shame there, but I don't condemn her as a bad person for that behavior. This to me sounded like a young girl who is emotionally immature entering a long distance situationship with a man that was clearly looking for something with her. I won't say he manipulated her as victims of neglect often project it on others and this girl is clearly troubled, but if there was manipulation involved, it was more likely from his end. If anything, this girl has been gas lit, but there's really no way to say one way or the other without knowing more about the nature of their relationship. I feel for this girl as another person with an incredibly narcissistic parent and I hope she takes your great advice. I definitely do not think she should be dating outside of a 3 year age bracket until she becomes more secure in herself. I wish the best for her, and applaud her for dealing with these tough parts of her life at such a young age. When she's ready for it, I think an honest and raw conversation with her first ex about this situation may go a long way to help her heal beyond her shame. I'm not saying they should get back together, but I think the perspective of somebody who is closer to the situation would do this girl a lot of good.

Same

what has happened to "Transitioning From A Casual To A Serious Relationship" Post? I got 404 error

Yep that’s what I was thinking

Andy

I think you just sparked something in me to read and learn more about abuse and childhood trauma. I got the the book The drama of the gifted child on audible. I’m gonna give it a listen today.

No way this dude was actually celibate lol

I read books by Alice Miller and Patricia Evans :) I would google them and select the titles that speak most to you

Alexander Grace

I think Alex was a little too lenient with his review, maybe because he knows that the girl would see it and hence wanted to serve things on a silver platter. Your criticism is just about right but keeping the girl's age in mind and the possible improper upbringing to couple with that, this kind of misadventure should be expected.

Ashwin Srinivas

She may not be manipulative but some of the behaviors described seem pretty selfish and controlling - and do not lay the groundwork for a healthy relationship. 1. Being in a relationship and talking to another guy. Rule of thumb - if you wouldn’t want your current boyfriend to witness the entire conversation you are having with another guy - YOU are being the bad person in this scenario. Not irredeemable necessarily- but make a change. 2. She said after she went to see him in September she assumed it would progress into a relationship, which means she did not consider it one before hand. Why in the world then, did she ask him to stay celibate? What was the rationale for that “condition.” She may need to reflect on that more deeply. Flip the script - if he asked her to stop talking to other guys altogether or he wouldn’t talk to her anymore - would she have? Even if she agreed, how would it have made her feel? Etc. 3. She said “whenever he backed off and wanted to be friends” - infers it happened more than once. He did not want to commit to her and she kept pushing it. Her dad just died in April... was he feeling guilty and that’s why he agreed to her demands (coupled with possibly limited opportunities during COVID) or did she use other tactics as well that she’s not fully admitting to? Some behaviors weren’t great - but she is young, dealing with a terrible loss, and sounds like had a bad childhood. Despite that, she is watching your videos, questioning her behavior, and reaching out for insight and guidance - and those are some very good aspects. Capitalize on those strengths and try to find ways to mitigate those weaknesses. Of course, as always, easier said than done.

Hey Alexander would you mind listing the books that you read while you were 21 on 'Toxic upbringing/ Manipulation'

My guess is that Jordan probably did enjoy talking to her and stuff but she was probably the one to suggest going to live in the UK with him and even if he did like her that is a BIG amount of pressure because if it goes wrong he is going to feel bad. He would feel responsible for her happiness as she won't know anyone else and the fact she was sooo willing to move shows she doesn't have much of a home (which is really sad for her). I don't think anyone is manipulative in this situation, just two human beings having wants and needs that clash. Obviously the cheating on her current boyfriend though is really unethical though.

Alisha

Her seemingly complete disregard for how her current(?) boyfriend feels is frightening. Though at least she is trying to become a better person.

Rickard Fors

That's... unexpected? Why would anyone start a long distance relationship on purpose?! Why choose that over a real relationship? Usually people meet irl and fall in love before circumstances or priorities seperate them. To me it sounds like the previous relationship was already over but she stayed out of convenience and then jumped to the 1st better option that presented itself - even when it was over the internet? Well, she's young and she sounds like she learnt a lot from it. Let's hope she's smarter in the future...

rumlyne

Meh, they probably were both manipulating each other.  I'd say she was being manipulative because she admitted to monkey branching. As a monkey brancher myself, I believe the new guy always falls into one of two categories. Either he doesn't know about the current boyfriend, in which case that is clearly a case of the monkey brancher manipulating the new guy by omitting that little tidbit. Or, he knows and somehow has been convinced that she is still high quality and will never do that to him. Which definitely takes some conniving on the part of the monkey brancher to convince him of that. For his part, it sounded like the stereotypical cold feet, or maybe a fantasy that got too real too fast? Like, the emotional affair was all fine and dandy until he realized she was serious about coming to the UK. Then he was like 'oh shit, this poor little girl thought I was serious, better break it off before she does something stupid'. But when Alexander suggested maybe she is afraid of seeing abusive traits in herself that she saw in her mother and grandmother I almost cried because I know how that feels and then I felt so bad for her!  Since the age of 15 I have fought tooth and nail to not be like my mom, and not to be the kind of mother she was.  That fear of having those traits in you is terrifying. (And my mom wasn't even that bad.)  So as I grew up, I worked very hard at separating what I felt were good traits/behaviors from the bad ones, so that when it came time to have my own kids I wouldn't make the same mistakes, and would ensure that I repeated the positive behavior. But a surpising byproduct of taking that time to separate those behaviors was that it allowed me to stop feeling like an ungrateful child.  It's one thing to realize your parent was a bad parent, it's a whole other thing to feel guilty for realizing it.   So instead of cutting them out completely, I decided to accept the good things about my parents, while still condemning the bad, and it really cut down on the guilt. Therefore, I was, and still am, able to love them and have decent relationships with them. I hope she finds that too!

Jennifer Coopman

I learned from the books of Patricia Evans but I've recently been recommended a book called Human Magnet Syndrome that sounded really good :)

Alexander Grace

What books and resources would you recommend for learning about abuse and communication?

Mykola Stepchuk

I'm not sure I followed. She had a boyfriend. She was monkey branching to Jordan. Was she being celibate with her boyfriend who she hadn't broken up with while she was requiring Jordan to be celibate? She leaves us to read between the lines one way or the other and that makes me suspicious. She turned her actual boyfriend into a backup boyfriend apparently didn't feel guilty about that yet felt guilty for thinking of her potential new boyfriend as a backup boyfriend even though she wasn't in an actual relationship yet - all very strange. Alexander was taken back by her guilt thing too. Was the real guilt about not being celibate herself while she was asking it of him. If so I would say she was being manipulative. Maybe I'm reading between the lines wrong, but there were some odd gaps in information.

Todd McDaniels

You'd be surprised by the insights certain people have.

Joel K. Normann

Not having watched the video yet, at least I have to say I'm really impressed if a 18yo female makes these thoughts, for starters! Let's see...