active listening - a short(ish) guide...

Here are some interesting questions:

Why should you listen to people?
How do you even do it?
Where and when should you prioritise listening?

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Let's look at why... Why should you listen to people? 

Because people are fucking awesome and interesting... okay but for real-

I always knew it was the 'kind' thing to do, but, like many others, I didn't fully realise its true power...

Carl. R. Rogers, a psychologist and the father of person-centred therapy, found that actively listening brings about changes in people—good changes—and for all people involved. When you listen to people, they open up, because, really, why shouldn't they?
 

“When a person realises he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think, in some real sense, he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, "Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me."" Carl R. Rogers.

Not just that, but you end up learning lots about them too—stuff that maybe you wouldn't have learned otherwise. That sounds great, right? If it doesn't sound too awesome, here's a small list of the great things it can add to your life:

Listening...

• Reduces conflicts. 

• Improves relationships. 

• Creates a warm and authentic environment. 

• Encourages mutual understanding. 

• Builds trust. 

• Reduces misunderstandings. 

• It helps you learn a lot. 

• Fosters more enjoyable conversations.

That's just a few of the benefits. Personally, it's made me closer with my family and friends, and I've learned so much. Much more than I would have learned if I was yapping constantly.

So, I listen to people because it's mutually beneficial in almost every way. We all become better people after a conversation.

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How can you try implementing active listening into your life? When might be a good time to use it?

There are certain skills and tools that you can use when your understanding is needed. You can look into these if you'd like, but I like the less complex approach...

The goal of active listening is to gain an understanding of whoever is speaking in that moment, with empathy and without judgement. Not to be loved by all, and not to manipulate.

Basically, listen to understand, not to reply, regardless of whether you agree or not. To do so, it takes a level of genuine interest in the speaker and what they have to say.

Luckily, this is something that can be developed.

"Developing an attitude of sincere interest in the speaker is thus no easy task. It can be developed only by being willing to risk seeing the world from the speaker’s point of view. If we have a number of such experiences, however, they will shape an attitude that will allow us to be truly genuine in our interest in the speaker." Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson.

I like to see the world like a library, and when I listen and talk to others, it's like we're sharing our books and learning from each other. To me, it's good fun.

Okay, but what does active listening look like?

Whenever someone tries to get their message across to someone else, what they say usually has two components: the content of the message itself and the underlying feelings behind what they've said.

From my personal experience, a good way to respond to content is to sometimes paraphrase and restate what I believe the speaker said in my own words, casually and naturally.

S: "I've been working so much overtime this month. I haven't been able to get much sleep."
L: "You're doing lots of overtime?"

 
There's also responding to feelings instead of content.

S: "I'm working six days a week, and it's killing me. I don't know how much longer I can do this, John."
L: "That sounds so exhausting."

I've found that overtime I've gotten better at both of these, as well as recognising and understand others feelings.

Rogers also recommends listening with attentiveness and without distractions. People may feel discouraged to continue talking to you if you're looking around a lot or if you just straight up fall asleep lol.

Also, non-verbal questions are awesome. Sometimes, we might feel like we're going to be cut off or that we're not being listened to. You can show engagement and encourage continuous speaking by doing things like using eye contact or nodding. Even just the slight 'mhm' every now and then.

So, to recap, when you feel it's needed, practice responding to emotion and content, encourage, and stay present.

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When and where is it best to use active listening?

 Of course, not all the time. I wouldn't go around paraphrasing absolutely everything I hear like a parrot, and I wouldn't be stealing someone's soul with unwavering eye contact whenever they say 'Hello'.

I feel like it depends on the person and the place. If you're a manager, a teacher, or even a student, this can be a powerful learning and relationship-building skill set. If you're at a job interview, your friend lost a loved one, or maybe you're meeting someone new at a party, it can for sure also be handy. Hanging out with friends or just vibing with my family—maybe not all the time.

With practice and self-awareness, I gauged when and how much I should use this approach to listening, and I'm still getting better at it to this day.

As a side note, research from groups like Gong Labs shows that listening a little bit more than talking is usually optimal, especially in sales.

 I truly hope I've provided value to you and that this email improves your life, and others lives too. Thank you so much for reading. 

- Jay.