[Esc] reality

astrology trash video

My mental health got in the way of me working on something else yesterday so I made this funny astrology trash video. 

I have concluded that yes, my face indeed looks atrocious without makeup. But I'm glad I tried it anyway. 

Always remember that there's always a quality you have that you take for granted that someone else wishes they had. 

I hope you laughed. XD

beltane blessing livechat

Thanks to everyone who could make it! I enjoyed sharing this blessing with you. I will work out the timestamps for those of you who couldn't be here live some time this week so you can still get my smoke cleansing, crystal energizing and channeled Beltane Blessing. I hope you all will benefit from it for a long time. 

 Live Update: Streaming in 14 minutes! Sorry for the short notice. I may or may not have forgot that using the recorder as an audio interface au...

⛥April Q&A⛥

At long last, recovered from the previous BTS post, fueled by caffeine and protein bars (really helps with ADHD!) and still fidgeting in my chair because sitting down for a long time makes my body temperature drop to an unhealthy level and I'm cold... It makes the most obnoxious noise and I hope my neighbors suffer while I negate some excess energy into my limbs and read through your wonderful questions. Yo...

easter rambles

One of my favorite photos from spring. 

Truth be told, I had to scroll an absurd amount, thinking "When even was my last BTS post?" ... It was a few months ago, it turns out. I've been busy doing my thing and creating stuff - nonetheless, I finally managed to title this post with the correct number. 

This morning, I wish I could share with you what I'm experiencing. Picture this... It's dead silent in the house and any distant traffic noises are muffled by a b...

Marilyn Manson Songs for ASMR

THAT FUCKING SINGING VIDEO. 

I've been trying to get this video made for just about all of last month. This is by far the most time and energy I've spent on any video ever, because as I attempted to sing all these songs over and over, I realized how much I truly suck at singing all these songs. Like any human being who is garbage at the thing they love the most, ya gurl needed some practice. Yes, I might be overcritical with my own performance, but I want to be a singer, so I have ...

🌿 Herbal Spa 🌿 Full Body Herbal Compress and Massage

THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!

This video contains my heart and soul, my tears and sweat, the best of the best of all that I have to give. This video is my essence, my purpose and my pride. But it is so much more than that. 

It's an ultra cozy super soothing old-school style nostalgic ass Spa ASMR Roleplay!!!!!!!!!!! 

Remember when we did ASMR like that?! Lol. Now that the ASMR scene is being overrun with all kinds of loveless ...

⛥March Q&A⛥

It's time to be productive so I can tell myself I've accomplished something after randomly working up a past trauma an hour ago! I'm so ready for life to go well again. So let's roll out your questions to make me feel better. I always look forward to these because you guys just ask such brilliant questions I get excited every time. Let's see what we have this month: 

Any video games you like? I like the Sims 3. I also tend to like mom games like the Choc...

⛥March Extras⛥

You wanted a vlog - you get a vlog! Unfortunately, so far, this has been the only video I've been able to make this month. But better than nothing, I think. Trust me when I say I've been working my ass off... It just hasn't produced anything worth publishing yet but I'm fighting on. In the meantime, I made you this extra long vlog so you can see the world through my eyes when I'm not depressed. 

The text is an easter egg - if you watch actively, pa...

⛥March Live Chat⛥

thank you for joining :)

Favorite Spa Trigger?!

Just wanted to ask you all a question before I go to sleep - yes, this is an essay question. If you have a minute to write a comment I would really appreciate it. What is your favorite ASMR trigger used in any spa roleplay ever? Could be a sound, visual trigger, atmospheric trigger, technique trigger, accent - I'm open for anything. Be as specific as you want. About exactly an hour ago I was randomly inspired to make a really fun, kinda different, playful spa video and I'm ju...

My Food Quirks

Nothing to see here, just catching up with last month's rewards so I can get on with stuff. I hope you approve of your choice for last month's bonus video! The usual spam will follow shortly. 

⛥February LiveChat⛥

thank you for joining :)

⛥February Q&A⛥

How are you all doing? I hope things have been improving for you and you're getting to enjoy life a little. I've been mostly ok with a good balance of managing meltdowns and little by little pushing myself to be productive. Today I challenged myself to do stuff for 4 hours straight and I rolled out your questions while my dishes are soaking. I have oxygen (neighbor hasn't had a smoke in 30 minutes! alert the media!) and fancy iced green tea (yes, the one from the video) and I'm ready to chat....

ending the ancestral line

My ancestral line will not continue. I'm not sure if I made myself clear enough or not, but I don't want to have children under any circumstances and not for anything in the world. It just occurred to me that this means I am ending my personal ancestral line. It is my decision. I like to think of it as a case of "I came. I saw. I said this has to stop." ... Those of us who are only children may not think of ourselves as that profoundly powerful and may not know of this responsibility handed t...

⛥January Extras⛥

Last week, I made you a vlog because I couldn't function enough to take on more projects. And then it took me forever to edit because I couldn't function enough to concentrate. This month, there are options again! But I hope you enjoy this in place of the video I could have done. I'm still gonna make the singing video from December, too. The 4k night time footage though! Omg I can't believe how beautiful this camer...

⛥January Q&A⛥

Excuse me, excuse me, rewards from two months coming through! How are you all doing? I must admit it was a really rough start to the year and I can only hope that this universal funk subsides soon while I try my hardest to melt the ice off of my motivation to live. I feel like I'm blowing at a glacier with a 100W blow dryer but you know, I try. Oh, there was stuff you wanted to know, right? What was that again?

How are you?  I'm tired. As the days get lo...

⛥January Download⛥

Excuse me, excuse me, rewards from two months coming through! 

Mp3 downloads from December and January - all of them. Enjoy!

chaos is my normal

How were you affected by the Super Blood Wolf Moon a few days ago? 

I'm asking how and not if because I hear from everywhere that damn near everyone has been hit really hard. And I'm no different. 

I've been living the past two weeks on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My disability carer gave me the wrong date for my appointment with my counselor which pushed me over the edge. It was indescribably difficult to manage a nervous breakdown on my own, get myself...

Extremely Soft and Incredibly Close

❥ Louder Music ❥ No Music

I've been working on this thing for you guys. Over the past week I've just been overwhelmed by so much love and acceptance and encouragement from you all and no matter how loud I want to scream thank you, it's just never enough. I'm so ridiculously thankful for all your comments and messages,...

trauma blog

Two days ago, I had an emotional meltdown. But it was unlike any other because of what it did to me. I'm used to being triggered, crying and being overwhelmed by emotion to the point of plain passing out. It's everything besides that which changed who I am and how I view things. 

I'm sorry if I'm painfully vague with how I word things. It's because I've been subjected to unbearable consequences for being straightforward about my inner experience and, frankly, it's safer to use word...

⛥December Q&A⛥

Happy new year. I'm starting to wonder about something - if a patron deletes their pledge, are their comments on my posts automatically deleted? Because I've been remembering questions I've read that I prepared to answer in my head but I'm not sure if I ever got around to answering them. Am I living the Mandela effect? 

People are being dumb outside right now so I can't sleep. Let's answer your questions instead fashionably late and I'll see about the fashionably late bonus video l...

relapse blog

Hey everyone, I hope your Holidays went well. I just wanted to give a long awaited update and let you in on my mind a little bit. 

So here we go I guess... I've been struggling. At this point I can pretty safely say that depression has a tight grip on me. I've found it difficult to motivate myself to leave the bed. Feeding myself and showering take it out of me. I have very little awareness of time passing. Not much anyway beyond staring at the clock and estimating how m...

⛥December Livechat⛥

Thank you all for joining! I hope you had a good time. Looking forward to seeing you all in January!

a work in progress

I've been working on stuff. Unfortunately, I don't have anything to show for myself yet, because good things take a lot of work. I'm in this weird phase where I'm making slow progress on multiple videos because I start doing one thing, notice all the things I hate about it, require stuff to fix them, get stuff to fix them, change things around, get all moodswingy, switch to a different project and develop things like that. Last night I attempted to film Maya's part for the Shiki sequel for wh...

★Party For Two★ #10

[Now back to the previous version because youtube doesn't like the fix]

In this long anticipated video I am reading the Libra chapter! Go Libra! It's been a long time coming but you know better than anyone what they say about being fashionably late. It took a while because the first version wouldn't fucking save and I had to render it for another two days. And this isn't the final version either because I spotted a mistake that I have to edit out, b...

Feeding Hungry Kitties!

I got a lot of shopping done today. Since I had anticipated being  ♪ Over the hills and far away ♪  a few months ago, I thought the next cat food donation from all the tier rewards Super and up was going to be delivered to a local shelter in Missouri. Blame the government, because they've literally been sitting on our application for 8 months. So I thought it was a good idea to start gift giving early. 

I cannot thank you enough for your generosity and your support over time...

a blog about low self-worth

My hair is in braids and just won't dry
The next video will be ready in three days time
Turns out I'm exhausted, I thought I was fine
The feeling I get is just Do or Die

I've been on a diet to make myself slim
Caffeine is required to not quit on a whim
Cheat days are few and my mood sometimes grim
Pour the damn tea all the way to the brim

This is my poem dedicated to the time I'm going through. I'm a little out of it and I'm not sure why. I just try to functi...

Trigger Words?

For an upcoming video, I wanted to ask you what your favorite trigger words are. The ones that really make you tingle. If you could take a moment to write a comment that would really help me out. I'm speicifically looking for positive adjectives due to the theme of the video. Like, I know people tend to really like the sound of the word "perfect" which is why it's in every single video. But I can't use perfect to describe everything lol. So yeah if you tell me your favorite trigger words I will ...

Zodiac Complaints

I had a long day and made you all a little zodiac video. Recent events had me thinking about complaints that each of the zodiac signs might have. I hope you enjoy the video, watch it first before reading the rest of the post :)

 ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥  ⛥ 

These scenarios are obviously based on stereotypes and you may find you identify more with your moon or as...

⛥December Download⛥

Downloads, anyone? Ok, ok, I promise you'll get to vote again once I make more than two legit videos a month. I made 3 in November, but two were kind of the same one, so just take them please.