SHOKO, SHOKO, SHOKO ASAHARA....

Well, that was interesting.

Hanako San invited me to come film her recording today. The brain on this girl. She knows me putting that out there is going to get people excited about her upcoming music that she will be releasing, as well as capture a moment in time that shows who she is and what she's doing in idol. Sooooo hard-working. I love her so much for being this kind of an idol. 

Had some more issues with focusing but I did my best. I was sweating so much in the little recording booth. It's weird, but when you think of music studios, you think of these big, maybe spacious recording spaces with tiny recording booths... you don't expect the studio itself to be almost as small as the recording booth. We were down in a basement recording studio somewhere in Ueno and it was just... like, woooow, so THIS IS what recording music is like here in Tokyo. With idols though... you don't even care, right? You just love the fact that you are next to greatness. And Hanako is greatness personified. She did take after take after take after take of the song until she got it right. And when we heard it played back, she nailed it exactly how it needed to sound in the song. The producer and me were talking about how quick the recording was, maybe an hour or so? But still, that was just one song and Hanako trying to nail it over and over again. That's some serious pro-shit right there!

I am attaching some pictures here for you to enjoy (as usual, don't share these please with anyone). After the recording, Hanako had me take 40 chekis of her so there is a nice stock now on Idol Underworld. Good thinking, Hanako.

I had a breakthru today as well about what I'm having so much difficulty with in regards to my girl problem....

I met a girl last night and she was super, super sweet... but not attractive. Well, by my standards (Japanese, super slender, bone thin preferably, small boobs, and perfect face and nice straight black hair). And I realized that this girl I met would be marriage material for anybody on the planet. Really... she was incredible. Super nice to me, we had a nice dinner together, and she was just... exactly what I DID NOT WANT.

See, I fucking finally know why my heart hurts so much right now. I mean, yeah, I really loved my ex... REALLY LOVED HER. But what did I love about her? Well... that is what I realized last night... my ex was the prom queen. And last night, I was with the girl who VOTES for the prom queen. You get what I'm saying? The two girls I've loved in my life were prom queen perfect. Looks wise, I mean. But as my saying I came up with goes: The prettier the girl, the more fucked up she is in the head. It's just kind of a karmic balance that life has unfortunately put in place for all of us poor men who pine and whine for prom queens and then when we somehow fall into bed with one, we realize that they are sooooo WAGAMAMA and hard to know and mentally screwball that the only thing left to really like about them every day is the fact that they are beautiful. I know that's really fucking harsh, but go read Natsuo Kirino's GROTESQUE if you don't believe me... pretty girls are evil to the core.

The hard part  about my last relationship that kind of threw me for a loop and messed with this idea I have about how pretty girls can be so unstable and what not, is that my last girlfriend Was actually kind of nice to me whenever we were together. In fact I’ve mentioned this before, but we were pretty perfect together. Problem was that we were never together, as she constantly had problems with staying in touch and coming to see me. And she would surprise me and do really really nice things for me and clean my apartment or buying food and drinks that she knew I liked. She was also mentally and stable in a lot of ways but even with that, she opened up to me and allowed me to help her with that at times. So it wasn’t like she was just the one half if I really think about it. Or maybe this is just the nostalgia talking?

SO... that is what I realized.... my type of girl is this prom queen type who gives me the time of day. It's like I'm going through high school all over again... wanting the pretty girls to pay attention to me and they never did (though I don't blame them one iota for not paying attention to me... I was more fucked up than all of them combined back then). So when it happens, I fall hard for them. AND after last night... really, it hit home that the girl for me, the one that I will keep forever, is a PROM QUEEN WITH THE HEART OF A THIRD WORLD PEASANT.

What I mean is that I want a perfect looking girl who has a kind heart that is only concerned with helping others and especially doting on her boyfriend and making sure he's happy and pleased, and REALLY appreciates and falls hard for a boy who will do the same for her ( and Which I can do, easily). Anyway, if you know what is causing you pain, then you can know how to deal with it. And now I realize my ex was not right for me because she was only ONE HALF of what I need. And that one half was powerful enough to make me feel so completely shitty and fucked up that I fell into a gigantic mental loop the past two months, but now... I think I can find a way out. Because I'm accepting that what I had with my ex was only as good as the moments of nostalgia I have about us NOW. Think about that, because I have been for awhile today, and I realize that the reason I don't want to see the girl I met last night ever again is because she's ALSO only ONE HALF of what I need. She doesn't have the looks. And I'm fucking sorry if you think that makes me shallow... it doesn't. I don't want to resent somebody I'm married to in my future or with in a relationship because they are only one half of what I need, looks or kindness. 

So that is a little more helpful to me recovering my heart. I'm still pained to think about my ex fucking other guys right now or with another guy who is better than me in terms of keeping her interest. I think everybody feels that though, so I'm not special in feeling that way, but I bring it up only because it kind of hurts still. But even this... what I'm really thinking about is the fact that she's naked with another guy and that perfect, beautiful, flawless naked body of hers used to be allllll miiiine. Sometimes for days at a time. And now it's not... so yeah... that is something I will probably take time to get over... unless, of course, I find another girl soon who has a similar, if not better, body, and allows me to enjoy her completely over and over again. 

Except this time... for the love of GOD.... I HOPE my heart doesn't fall for a girl who is only ONE HALF of what I need. Because now I have no excuse. I KNOW exactly what I need. 

Thanks for listening. Love you all. Thoughts on this?