From The Desk of Nerd³ - April 2024 Edition

Dearest Patreons,

This week we heard the news that 60% of all playtime in 2023 went to games that were at least 6 years old, essentially meaning that new games didn’t get a look in. While internet shouters and gaming websites have all rung the bell of the incoming video game apocalypse, I’m not too worried. For starters, they’re almost all multiplayer games, which allow repetitive content to be stretched for much longer thanks to the addition of your dumb friends. For main, considering playtime as the most important metric is silly and only leads to exclude all the really cool indie games that come out each year and knock it out of the park. For dessert, let’s break down all of the top 10 most played games on PC last year, and explain why the fact that people play them more than others doesn’t really matter.

10. Rocket League

There are two types of people in the world. People who still play Rocket League, and people who weren’t very good at it. I’m in the latter camp, so my memories are almost entirely from it’s launch year. I did a lot of silly flips, I scored a lot of own goals, and I spammed “Wow!” as fast as possible whenever an opponent missed an open goal.

Nowadays, I don’t know anyone who plays, but I assume it’s some massive, e-sports level deal. It’s basically just football, but with cars and flips, so it’s a better version of the most popular sport in the world. No wonder people like it.

9. Grand Theft Auto V

The most popular game ever made, with more frequent updates than Elon after someone says something a little bit mean about him, isn’t a surprise to see here. Last I’ve seen this is mostly people on Twitch who pretend to be the police and have arguments with people pretending to be criminals. They don’t shoot or have fun or anything. Streamers are weird.

8. Valorant

I have no idea what this is.

7. League of Legends

I’m actually happy to see League so high as it provides a vital service for the entire video game industry. You see, the more people playing it, the less they’ll bring their extremely toxic behaviours over to fun/good multiplayer  games! We have nicer times online, and the goblins get to yell at each other in peace. Everyone’s a winner.

6. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II, Modern Warfare III, Warzone 2.0

Three games?! That’s just cheating. Disqualified.

5. The Sims 4

While teenage girls exist, the enemies of teenage girls are going to be created, detailed, and then horribly murdered in whatever the most recent Sims game is. Fire, drowning, being crushed by a fold out bed, whatever takes Kelly’s fancy as she annihilates schoolmate Elsa for the 200th evening in a row.

“That’s for giving me the wrong test answers,” she’ll mumble, setting up a three month campaign where Elsa will lose the love of her life, have her baby taken away from neglect, and die of embarrassment after wetting herself at the local disco hall. Then, with a flourish of the mouse, a save will be reloaded and she’ll suffer through it all again. It’s essentially therapy, only, you know, the opposite.  

4. Counter-Strike 2/GO

I’m pretty sure that people who play Counter-Strike don’t actually know that other games exist. They’ve been playing since 1.6 and, considering they’ve never fully shut the game down have no idea of the last 24 years of video game development.

“Joe Biden?” they’ll ask as you inform them of what they’ve missed. “That sprightly state senator? Ho ho! I bet the Simpsons, a good show with no dud seasons, will be lampooning him terrifically.”

Actually, you know what? Let’s leave them be. Like those tribes that have had no contact with the rest of the world, it’s probably best to leave them where they are. They seem happy enough. We’ll just send a drone over every now and then to make sure they’re not dying of smallpox or something.

3. Minecraft

Lego has been around since 1949 and it’s still the most played with toy in my house. You got a problem with creativity, huh? DO YOU?!

(Bonus fact: This year a Godzilla DLC for Minecraft released. I played it. I am the problem.)

2. Roblox

Isn’t this that South Korean animated TV show? The one with the tagline, “Robots for Everyone”? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is. I think I still have the Burger King toys. What the hell is this doing on here?

1. Fortnite

Okay, jokes aside, this is where I have the problem. Somewhat surprisingly, that issue isn’t with Fortnite itself, it’s with the entire concept of this list. You see, Fortnite isn’t a game, it’s a platform. Some of the audience could be playing a battle royale, some could be at an online concert, and the rest could be playing a Lego survival game… and we’re supposed to believe that this is all the same game? It’s not. That’s what Fortnite, Roblox and Minecraft really bring to the table. They’re new breeds, wildly and unendingly popular, and closer to Steam itself than to Counter-Strike.

I used to say that I’d love a Nintendo console where the system UI is just Animal Crossing. You play games in your house, change your settings in the Post Office, and could still have all the bug-chasing, fish-catching, friends-with-animals-making fun of a full Animal Crossing. Maybe it’s a dumb idea, or maybe I was omniscient. (Or maybe I drank too much of the PlayStation Home kool-aid.) Whatever it was, the point still stands. This is what these games are to people. They don’t play video games, they play Fortnite.

While the AAA industry focuses on making these endless live-service games, they’ll keep on flopping like every MMO that went up against World of Warcraft back in the day. Suicide Squad’s failure was inevitable not because it was a live-service game, but because it wasn’t Fortnite. Games with million dollar budgets will step up to the plate, take a swing, and their arms will fly off time and time again. Meanwhile, in the audience, Balatro is drunk, singing slightly rude songs.

I don’t remember the point I was aiming at. I think I just want them to bring back LittleBigPlanet.

Happy April,

Daniel

xx