SPiKE update

So, I did the thing; I told my publisher about needing to do this comic my own way and in my own pace, that the pressure of knowing people were waiting for it and anticipating it was too much for me and that with all the stress I was dealing with I felt completely burned out, and needed to  postpone the book, that I wanted to finish book 1 and half of book 2 in my own time and then someday come and show them and see if they'd be interested in publishing it then instead.

I was certain they'd fire me.

But it turns out my publisher is every bit as understanding and empathetic and patient as I hoped and then some. She's just amazing, you guys...

So tldr; they still want to publish SPiKE, but have agreed to let me do it in my own pace. They have removed it from pre-order lists and are no longer mentioning it in upcoming comics, and ironically that's such a liberating feeling. I'm a bit hesitant to mention here too that the comic is still going to be published, cause I want to avoid any expectations, which I know sounds weird... I just feel that when someone is expecting something of me, there is this immense, crippling fear of not living up to their expectations.

But since there is no set deadline anymore and it is not announced in public anywhere, it takes a lot of the pressure off, and I wanted you guys to know that although it's too early to say when it will be published in book form, it is still going to happen. Eventually :)

Once that pressure was off, and I'd had a nice long break, I started working on it again. I've sketched most of the scenes for book two already, and planned the structure of books 3-8 with some of the scenes sketched out, and tonight I've been coloring the first chapter of book 2.

I still have to color book 1, but it helps a lot to be working on different parts of the story simultaneously. It prevents me from getting stuck or demotivated, and it is less exhausting mentally speaking too, since if one scene is too heavy, I can take a break from it and work on a scene with a mood that I feel more ready to enter and focus on.

And all in all, I am finally back to enjoying this process, enjoying working on this comic,

The publishing "plan" so far is that I will finish volume one and half of volume two, and then deliver volume one to my publisher. Ideally, this will give me a good head start, as I'll be half a volume ahead most of the time, which should decrease the stress and pressure, allow me to still work in my own pace yet be more likely to be able to publish one volume a year.

Volume one has had to be redrawn and recolored numerous times... the scenes have been the exact same since 2018, but my skills needed to grow a lot more to come close to the standard I required it to be. I still feel like it's not quite there yet, but most of it is ok.

I've also on a darker, more personal note, realized that perfect isn't good enough, And as depressing as that sounds, in a comic book sense it is somewhat consoling.
My boyfriend told me I was perfect for him. Then not long after followed up with saying how he still felt I was perfect for him, but that he still couldn't shake the feeling that he wanted to break up with me. And so he did.

So, if not even perfect is good enough, what is even the point of trying to achieve perfection? Not that I strive to be a perfect person, I view myself as a pretty shit person, but in art I tend to be a perfectionist... But I've also been a perpetual people pleaser, which is purely out of fear and ptsd tbh... and I hate that about myself. And in art, perfectionism is a flaw. I don't actually want my art to be perfect, I've never achieved it and I never will, and honestly I don't even want to achieve it. One of my favorite things about art is that it is something that you can never master 100%. There's no end to it, no final destination where you can claim you know and master all there is to know about art. Art is something you just keep learning more about, something you keep getting better at, it grows with you and there's always something new to discover,  always new stuff to learn and try out, and that's why I love it. Art is something that can't be perfect. But it can still be good. And I think the point of art anyways is to express something, visualise a thought, a feeling or an idea. Art is communication. 

And I feel like I'm starting to really find a good balance in how I can both use and hold back on my artistic knowledge in my comics to guide the reader through the pages in an immersive way without getting distracted by how things are or aren't drawn.
If that makes sense...?

I've learned to embrace and appreciate imperfections. And in art, use them as a very efficient storytelling tool.

Perfect isn't good enough. So screw perfect; I don't wanna waste time trying to make shit perfect anymore, or worry about something not being good enough; I just want it to work.

And I feel more content this way.

More relaxed about it, anyhow,

And I am exited about working on this series again, finally. I like how the pages are starting to look, I'm content with the flow and pacing, and instead of doing complete redos, I fix things that I see would benefit from the improvement, and otherwise leave it as it is and instead make sure to learn from it and make use of that knowledge to make the next pages better.

Volume one is looking good. It's gonna look like absolute shit compared to volume ten, but it's still going to be nice to look back at. Each book will be the best I could make at the time, and therefore the series will keep looking a little better with each volume.  And honestly I like that thought.. but I am also glad that I waited so long to get started on actually drawing this comic. I was in no way ready before, not even in 2018, but the publishing deal pushed me to have to improve my art skills faster than I've ever had to. Though stupidly at the same time I felt like I didn't have time to prioritize that growth.

But comparing the 2018 pages to the current one, and especially looking back on comics I did in 2016, I am noticing huge changes, and that's very uplifting and motivating to see..

so, TLDR;

Game on!

About time I did some character development on myself as well xD