28.

28.

My kind of man is not what I imagined he would be. I guess something has changed in me since I moved to Gozo, something kind of wonderful has happened. I am in love with someone who is not that in love with me. They’re INTO me, just not in love with me. But what’s wonderful about that? Well. It’s the first time that I’ve been in love that I can remember where it wasn’t essential for me that the man I am in love with has to be in love with me.

As Mooji says “Love loves to love. It’s nothing personal”

It feels wonderful to love. Of course, I would love it if he were in love with me, if he would think of me more than he does. I would love it if I became significant to him, that I was in his thoughts and part of his plans. As yet, that’s not how it is at all. It’s very casual to him, and it’s weird that it doesn’t entirely bother me. Maybe that’s what keeps me interested because he’s INTO me but just not THAT into me. It makes me wonder what I can do to improve myself as a human to become someone that he couldn’t not be in love with! I’m not saying anything is gonna change. I’m not saying I am going to do anything to manipulate him to love me, because I don’t believe that is possible. All I am doing is loving him. Which, weirdly in his case, means giving him space, not messaging him too much, or calling him. Leave it up to him to want to see me, which about every two weeks usually happens. We did break up, but then I met him at the bus stop, but you know all about that, because you read my last entry…

And then today I popped over and he told me that he was swapping his double bed for a single, and I’m like
“WHAAAAT?! Why would you do that?”

“I will have more room to draw in my room.”

I’m definitely not in his plans. Of course, seeing as someone was coming round to help him move the bed, I figured we should enjoy the bed one last time.

“Next time, you’ll have to come to mine”

Literally, this guy has been to my place ONCE! For like, 5 minutes. I have no idea why. At the moment my personal project is dealing with loneliness. Since he broke with me, that has been what I have been working on, and strangely I am loving it!

I feel much more committed to my work here on Patreon and Youtube, I am making my house more a home, I have so much to keep myself busy with, and now that it’s winter my body wants to squirrel up into hibernation and so I’m wanting to sleep more. Which my cat loves, because he cosies up in my arms and purrs. It’s one of my most favourite times, cuddles with Marvin, anytime of the day.

I banged my head hard on a glass door the other day, maybe that’s why I’m sleepy, I’ve been feeling a bit dosy. But I feel happy. Happy like never before. I love my work, I could do it all day. I love coming up with ideas and making videos and there is so much more that I’m working on behind the scenes...and I can be alone for once in my life. I go down to the bay and sing in the quiet spots of rock where I won’t be disturbed. I do Wim Hof everyday. I swim in the sea, even today when it was getting quite stormy. I love it, especially in the sunset.

Love loves to love. Love without needing anything in return. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel pangs of pain, when the one you love doesn’t invite you out, it doesn’t mean when they swap their double bed you won’t feel the pain of noticing that you’re not high on their priority list. What you feel you heal. Just be with that desire, that unmet desire, that longing. The pain just needs to be felt, and acknowledged. And Wim Hof I swear, works for all kinds of pain, including heartache.There are men who are expressing interest in me, and there may be others who simply haven’t plucked up the courage to ask me out, but they don’t interest me, even though I would like to make myself grow to love someone else that’s more suitable for me, that will treat me well, I guess we can’t choose who we love. The heart loves who the heart loves.