27.

SO MUCH PLEASURE

OH TO BE A MAN

I am feeling super grateful to Noah for letting me go. How different I feel. There I was  sitting around and waiting around all day for him to text me! I put all my energy into seeing him, when would I see him? Oh my God I was infatuated! I was addicted to the sex. I thought it was the best yet, and it was. But what do all these amazing sexual experiences have in common? Me! Hahaha! I love how arrogant that sounds!! I want to know what it feels like to have the confidence and let’s say it, arrogance or cockiness of a man! I don’t want to aspire to be Amanda Palmer or Florence and the Machine anymore. I want to aspire to have the confidence of Jagger or Prince. I am tired of the limitations of a woman. It’s not that we have limitations, we have strong muscles, we have the same brain and we have the ability to make life. I think what I lack is confidence. That might surprise you to hear that. Women are not entitled to the same things men are. If a man sleeps with a lot of women he is considered a stud. If a woman does the same, she is considered a slut. We are definitely not considered equal. I want to work on changing that.

It’s Friday morning. I am dedicating this diary to my new Patron Cameron, because it was so nice to receive his appreciation for my content this morning. You’d be surprised how much I need that at this time of the month! Hugs, love, words of appreciation, chocolates, gifts, quality time….I could do with all of it, my cup right now is rather low.

It has been two and a half weeks since I had seen Noah. He lives on my street. How could our paths not cross, once? I assumed he was in Malta visiting his family. The other day I was walking home from a drunken night out, crashing in my friends spare room, when I saw him. I was pleased to see him of course, but not needy or desperate. He already made it clear he’s just not that into me. He was pleased to see me too

“I was genuinely thinking about you yesterday, wondering where you were. Wondering if you had left the area”

It’s funny how he doesn’t just message me to ask, he just ‘wonders’!

Anyway, it felt nice, we hugged each other. We agreed to catch up and I suggested coffee, but he was tired from travelling around town and welcomed me to come over to his place instead. When I arrived later that day, he said he had invited friends for dinner, and so he prepared for me as well just in case, which felt nice.

His friends weren’t arriving until 8.30pm and it was 6.30pm so we talked and caught up while he prepared his spices with the precision of a scientist.

At one point, without any fear or neediness, just a good grounded I am human and I have needs, I went up to him in front of the stove and said

I NEED A HUG

He stopped what he was doing. Turned off the heat, and turned to me and embraced me. It was lush. I curled my head into his chest and he stroked my hair.

“Your hair smells great” he said

“My hair looks like Mick Jagger” I replied

He looked down at me and kissed me. I was not expecting this. I was already blown over that he invited me to his house. I never thought I would see the inside of it again, and he had adopted a puppy since I left. Seeing him holding it in his arms like a baby, made me broody AF. I could feel my eggs kicking up a dancing groove.

He kissed me and leaned me up against the kitchen counter, touching my tits and my grabbing my ass. It was unexpected, he was hard. I love it when he’s the one initiating, when the desire is coming from him and I am the one saying yes or no.

He picked me up, like a little monkey I wrapped my legs and arms around him

“You’re so light” he said “you weigh nothing”

He carried me to his bed and lay me down.

This is  a NSFW channel after all. I sometimes resent that Patreon puts me here in this box, away from all the passing traffic, shamed into the “adult” content section, as if naked bodies and sex are something to be secretive about. As you know, I always talk about this a lot, in order to understand something for myself, I’ll talk and talk and talk. Secrecy is what creates shame, and shame creates perversion. There’s nothing perverted about making love.

How much should I share? The intimacy of the moment is magnificent. I cannot describe it in a way that would do it justice. If I could film it i probably would. I would love to share the beauty of such a moment with the world, because I feel that sex is so misunderstood. For me, such an act, is all about love and loving my man in this moment.

He was disappointed not to be able to go down on me.

“It’s been so long and I don’t get to taste you”

“I can taste you” I said, reaching for his pants and pulling them down.

I took him in my mouth. I love being with this man. I love everything about the way we play and make love. It is as if we met in another lifetime one hundred years ago and studied the Kama Sutra together and now we meet again and it’s like

“Oh hey, do you remember position 86? Wanna try that one again?”

“Sure but only if we can play with number 187 because I love you from that angle”

The way he treats me outside the bedroom, OK, not so much. He doesn’t follow up with texts or calls, or how are you’s? He loves on his friends and I can tell he puts a lot of effort into their visits, more so than I think he ever put into mine. I don’t know why. I wonder if it’s the Maltese culture? Sorry to my one Maltese Patron here, maybe you can fill me in on that one or convince me that it doesn’t apply to all men, but I don’t know if it’s the Arabic influence or just the Mediterranean, but I find that the men see women as either whores or housewives. They have a whole lot more respect for men.

Noah has never come over to my house, other than to drop in with me on the way to a bar when I needed to grab my purse or coat. He never spent much time there. I don’t know whether it’s because he doesn’t care or whether he is just afraid of getting to know me, of getting close. He hardly knows me at all to be fair, and that’s because he lacks curiosity. But after not having seen each other for two and a half weeks I can sense that he is interested in what I have to say, he is listening. I know this is what we need to survive; small doses with gaps in between, but it’s not the way I am. I need more. I feel like I am starving for love and affection, to be showered with praise, support, gifts and time. Maybe that’s why I eat him up when I see him?! Maybe that is all he wants….