30.

30.

I would love to explore my sexuality. I would love to go to Munich and be a bunny for the Shibari master I met (if you haven’t seen me tied up in ropes hanging from the ceiling in my first Shibari bondage workshop then you need to head over to the $50 tier right now!!It's Christmas! Gift yourself!!!)

As you know, my journey with nudity and maybe with my sexuality has been a  bit hot and cold. It doesn’t mean I want to explore that side of me every single day, there are many things I love. I am not completely OK with being open about my sexuality, as you know, otherwise I would be posting here wildly, expressing my body more often and maybe going to the next level. It has always been an issue for me and  I am getting to the bottom of why that is: PEOPLE!

I personally don’t have an issue with what anyone wants to do. I would like to live in a world and have an experience where one experience is not in hierarchy to another, where one illness does not evoke more sympathy than another, where basic human suffering is enough for us to empathise and hold compassion even if we have not experienced it ourselves. Where no jobs are shamed and people are free to do and be as they please without judgment. But I find that our conditioning means that I am held accountable to the judgments of others and also of the ones conditioned into me by my own parents on a daily basis. it is hard to hear my own voice.

The authenticity challenge is the challenge to accept all sides of myself. Ironically I never really paid much attention to notice that sides is plural. I am certainly not just one side, and maybe that has been the problem. I look around and see people who do one job and seem to have one love and I feel weird, like I don’t fit in.

Is it time to embrace my weirdness?

I spent three days feeling sad. Friends had hosted a surprise party and I was not invited. Loneliness has become part of my spiritual journey, being with the sadness of being alone, feeling into feelings of abandonment and rejection. The small island where I live could feel like a prison if I let it. I am not joking; the girl I mentioned in my Patreon post earlier, announcing my new In Bed with Suze live’s, passes me in the street with her middle finger up! Three months on, after her boyfriend created a story that we slept together, she still carries the anger. At first her anger was really scary. She wanted me to stay away from all the bars she frequents on the island, which is impossible because there are only three main bars for nights out and live music, the chances of bumping into each other are quite high. At first I stayed away, terrified of coming into contact with her. She had already called me many harsh names and not allowed her kids to see me. One day her kids picked up the phone and called me, they missed me and wanted me to see their cartwheels. I think it’s atrocious to involve your kids in your own dramas, but hey, that’s my judgment, which I must dissolve. The truth is her boyfriend dumped her because she crashed her car whilst drunk with three young kids in the back, and he didn’t approve of her behaviour. In retaliation a hot young TV star arrived on the island and she slept with him, posting photos where her now ex could see them on facebook and she had already got with a new guy just prior to that and eventually admitted that she had cheated on him. It’s good to get this off my chest, I’ve been carrying this around, waiting for the chance for her to calm down so that we can talk, but she never calmed down. I know her anger is eating away at her, but I don’t feel any guilt. I am sad I lost this friendship but I dropped the story of it long ago, it has no impact on me, she got the man she wanted, what’s wrong?

Even my nephew told me yesterday that his girlfriend left him for his best friend. He wasn’t angry. He wanted to stay friends with both of them. He forgave them and stayed friends. They feel guilty, but that’s for them to deal with. My nephew took the mature approach and was happy for them. 

I don’t always feel popular here on the island, people think I’m weird and different.I am choosing to reframe it and not feel afraid of the rumours, of the whispers behind my back. The honest ones will speak to my face. The courageous ones will ask first before accepting a story from others. It can be freeing also when people expect you to be weird! If I embrace that then I can really have some fun. If I stop feeling afraid of people judging me, knowing that many already do, what could be better? I want to reach a point where I no longer judge myself for my desires and no longer judge others.

I have many many sides, kinky side, sweet side, bitchy side, angry side, funny side, shy side, confident side, and so do you!! We have around 60,000 qualities. The only reason we don’t embrace all of our self is because other people have told us not to! Conditioning passed on for centuries has taught us that we are sinners and that we should feel ashamed for our natural desires. I am coming to realise that something is only wrong if we view it that way.

I am learning from a spiritual teacher who was a student of Mooji. He teaches how everyone is us. I am starting to take things less personally when I see things this way. Everyone that comes in my life and has an impact is there to play a role. Whether that is for me to learn humility or remorse, or happiness or pleasure. All of the things I signed up for when I requested to come to Earth and have a mission here in this life.

I know these realisations may not be of the steamy kind like when I am sharing about a really hot sexual encounter, but these learnings are hot to me! Working out how to enjoy this ride of life more easily without feeling constantly plagued with guilt, shame, confusion and fear is something I desire!

Like I have said before, not to tease, but because it is genuinely true, I would love to be so free of shame that I accept myself and my desires so much that I could have sex in public! The way we did back when in the garden of Eden. I could have sex for art, in an art gallery, on the front cover of a newspaper and feel no shame, knowing that there is nothing sinful in pleasure. How long it will take me to get there and if I ever will is another story for another time!!!

If you have a specific story of my life you would write me to write about, leave your comment here.

I wish you an pleasurable day!

Suze ;-)