40.

Did you know I just reached level 40? Yes the big 4.0, yet we are changing the narrative. Instead of saying "Oh my god I'm 40!" an expression of fear and shame, we are now saying, I reached level 40! With wondrous delight and excitement. It's like you've been playing the same video game and you still haven't had game over. Well, actually you've had many resets, but the game is still not over.

I was thinking about love tonight. I was watching some show on Amazon Prime about romance, it's a series. I cried. Someone died, everyone was in love. I have been in love. Maybe once it has been mutual, where it has felt even. There have been others that have been more of an illusion, like this last one, let's call him Reece. It was fun, at first, he was so pretty, so ridiculously good looking, I thought "What interest has this guy got in me?" Turned out he was thinking the same "What on earth does she see in me?" 

My insecurity was my age, my looks. There are so many prettier girls. He loved my energy. His insecurity was thinking he wasn't smart enough for me. I loved his smile.

Then there was the one I was in love with, probably still am in love with, the one whose touch I think about at night and every morning when I wake. The absence is getting less hard. It was smart to move away to another village. You see I am smart. Somehow I finally got the message that this love wasn't mutual. We'll call this man Joshua. 

I sometimes wonder about relationships, like every single day. Every time I meet a couple I psycho analyse the health of their relationship. Why some men commit to some women but not me. And then I realise in return that I am so damn particular that it would be almost impossible to find someone I would say yes to. Joshua is one of the only men. Humble, sweet, mysterious, talented, different, out of reach, sweet with animals, good to his friends, well except he rarely replies to my texts and it drove me crazy and hurt my heart "Oh you know how I hate all social media" he would say,  until I had to just stop contacting him. As luck would have it, I have only bumped into him once. He was with his puppy on the way to the vet. Of course it's the time when I am dressed ridiculously, like I left the house in my 5 year olds pyjamas. He's not the kind of man that will pick up the phone to call me, to say he misses me or even just hey, you wanna catch up? He's afraid of me being 'into him' intimacy is what he fears most, he loves to be alone, and yet making love the presence was so intense, it was like being lost in another world where time did not exist I dream of that again, and when I think of the loss of it I feel sad, and yet life is so much more comfortable than it had been before I moved. I now live in a house like a princess I have everything I need and more. I feel like I'm living where I am meant o be. It suits me. 

My 40th birthday party was a success. My houseMate is a Michelin starred chef. He slaved the day away to make food for me and 15 friends. We all drank too much, many brought guitars, ukulele, little drums and we made music acapella all night, it was fun. 

I feel melancholy tonight. I'm craving a cigarette, something I have cut down on massively. Must be the EFT tapping that has softened the cravings and maybe that I live with people now and don't feel so alone. I've been dedicated to ldaily tapping lately, and liver cleanses I have been waking up to do to alleviate some trapped nerve in my neck. My intuition was right and it has helped the pain a lot. That and Wim Hof. My life is good. The only thing I crave is some excitement. Addicted as I am to a little bit of drama, or sex or god forbid love But Joshua never felt the same for me. I was always waiting, half hoping he might one day feel the same, but when this much time has passed and it has been nearly 6 months, I guess he never will. It's sad but I still dream. It's natural because there hasn't been anyone since.

Reece proved to not be ready. It was as if he couldn't believe his luck, so he sabotaged it. Didn't take the rope I threw him, to get him here to Gozo before the lockdown in the UK, instead he gave his money away to a couple who evoked sympathy in him because the woman, a stranger, was sick with cancer and they kept returning for more money, to buy drugs, leaving him without money for food and in a fight, ending up in protection by the police. I wouldn't have minded being there for him had he let me, but he left me out, didn't want to appear weak, he said. Weak was preferential to being ghosted. Brought up all kinds of traumas in me. I was relieved to finally hear his story. It was the first time that a man had left me that I didn't jump in with 50 things I needed to change about me. This time I could see quite clearly, it wasn't about me at all, it was about him. 

It suddenly struck me. Maybe it's never been personal. Maybe it never is. Maybe it is always about them. Where they are at. Nothing to do with me. Of course there can be things they don't like, but if that's the case then they weren't meant for me. In my life right now I have a handful of very good men who love me, as friends. Some want more, but the difference is, they seem to care, they seem to genuinely like me and my company, and that feels good and different. Of course I still romanticise about Joshua, but I always felt like I was partially invisible to him. The only time I felt seen was when we made love on top of the bed sheets. Swirling round and round from position to position, lost in the moment, time passing, totally present, no thought, just us and the moment. But it wasn't enough. He wasn't ready or interested in love. Love is of the heart not the body, that's just lust. But I loved him to let him be. He doesn't want me. That I can see, feel, no matter what my fantasy might be.

I wonder if I will find mutual love in this  lifetime. I would like to believe that I will get a turn, and that I will know it when it arrives and I won't be afraid that someone will come and take it away. I don't want to hide anymore, fearing that my happiness will provoke someone to want to take it from me as it has happened before. 

Sleep tight sweet patrons and thank you for supporting me