heatherbeck

Stupid Button.

Sometimes you get a blooper. All in the hopes of getting something that isn’t nearly as good, even though it features one important thing that Instagram apparantly isn’t very fond of (even if it’s through a fuckin’ shirt...).

Merp.

Merp-merp.

Through The Years

Sooo... This one might require a little bit of explanation. 

I've mentioned this before, but from time to time, my brain has wandered to... "What in the hell would have happened if I hadn't stopped growing?!" Thank goodness I did — While Natalia and Olga were a little tricky to manage at first, I can confidently say that I've gotten used to them, and aside from no shortage of odd stares and a never-ending battle with the Clothing Gods, I'm happen with 'em. They're a part...

Round and Round.

Shot this one and came back to it later, and I... couldn’t figure out the angles. It’s like one of those optical illusions, like an Escher drawing, but, you know, boobs instead of stairs.

Answer key:

Many More Funners.

Hoo-eee. You guys.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful. Fortunate, really. I have a day job that allows me to live wherever, and provided that I have a functional computer and some decent Wi-Fi, I can garner some freelance or paychecks every now and then. I know I’ve mentioned this in past posts, but so you don’t have to scroll back, I’m a writer. Content marketing, mainly. That involves some editing work (which always makes me feel bad when I make typos here), and generally help...

Myriad

I’ve been quiet for a few days. Curse broken. Apologies all around.

I know what it was. Stubbornness.

Before I get into it, I decided to post this delightful cartoon here. It’s outrageously fun, and I find it surreal in only the most charming of ways that it was based off of these two pictures from back in the day:

2021-02-17 06:44:37 +0000 UTC View Post

I don’t have the guts to do it!

Fucking South Park, right?

Harbinger of fart jokes back when I was 13. And over the last 23 seasons (23!!), something that has become one of the most relevant sources of social satire this world has ever seen. 500 years from now, when we talk about the entertainment of the last millennium, it will be Shakespeare, the Beatles, and two guys named Trey and Matt.

I joined Twitter recently. For those of you who aren’t quite in the know, Instagram has been getting way more puritanical...

Have My Heart, I Don’t Need It...

... is the name of a piece by an outrageously talented Australian artist on Instagram who goes by the handle @franchesxka. A while back, I commissioned her to create a label for my hot sauce, back when I was on that big hot sauce kick. (I still am on a hot sauce kick, and I’m running out, and the folks here in Europe who ship peppers to me aren’t shipping outside of Germany anymore… If anybody has any knowledge of European supply chain management in regard to hot peppers, LMK. 😜)

Nerds!

I know, this has nothing to do with anything. But two things. One, I do want to fulfill my promise of a Thing a Day this month. And I’ve got 19 minutes left before the change of the day Eastern standard time.

Second and this is much more Grand. I recently came into possession of a box of Nerds. Nerds. Like, real, American, two flavors in one box, because I’m old enough to remember what it was like when only one flavor came in one box, fucking nerds. Nerds.

This is probably som...

What’s Next?

A few years ago, I heard about the importance of reminding myself that “this isn’t normal.” So I stuck a post-it note to my fridge saying just that. Eventually, the message made it to my screensaver.

A message like that does provide some clarity. It’s a centering force. But there are only so many times a day that you can look at a message like this one, and not feel just a little bit hopeless sometimes. There’s a reminder, and then there’s self-flagilation. So, after a few y...

Public Transport

There’s something about artists who specialize in erotica. Something sort of honest. My experience isn’t vast, but the folks who tend to reserve themselves, and their natural sexual urges, are the ones who tend to come across as… unpredictable. Inauthentic. Folks who get all of that libido out on the page, however? They generally tend to come across as a lot more chill in real life. At that point, what is there to hide? Reject Puritanism, be yourself, all that good stuff.

That’s...

Sportsbra Quest - Yoga or Bust(y).

Long time readers will now that I’ve been on somewhat of an eternal quest for a decent sports bra.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have any grand delusions. I know that I’m not gonna be participating in any triathlons anytime soon. A little while back, I bundled myself up as best I could, and foolishly attempted to go for a jog. I lasted about 20 yards before I realized… This ain’t gonna happen.

Swimming is fun. Great exercise, low impact, and the water makes my boobs all...

Doorway - A Super Quick Story

(Note: I’ve been dusting some of the creative fiction cobwebs out of my head, and one of the best ways to do that, for me, is to do a freeform short story based off... something. My friend commissioned this art piece a few years back from an artist by the name of ChuckManX. I saw it, and I thought it was really sweet, so I took the liberty of putting some words to the page. When inspiration pops up, grab onto it. 🙂)

###

He wasn’t sure if she had heard him turning t...

To My Subscribers: Missing Posts?

Wanted to bring something up really quickly. No big deal, no emergency, but a few of you have let me know lately that you’ve had a hard time accessing some of my old posts, and were wondering if they were deleted, or missing, or blocked, or whatever.

The short of it is that they are all still there, and should be as accessible as they always were. The issue, as close as I can find, is with the app.

As wonderful as Patreon is, they’ve been taking a little time to work out some...

Pre-Leather

Years ago, back in the old days before Natalia and Olga showed up on the scene, I had this leather jacket. I loved that thing. It was lambskin, super simple, black, fit like a glove, went with everything… Whenever it started getting cold outside, I would always look forward to pulling it out of the closet.

Then, for obvious reasons, it didn’t really fit anymore. Before moving one time, I gave it to a friend of mine. Better that somebody enjoy it than I hold onto it for posterity, or...

Happy World Ukulele Day!

It’s that time of the year, when a furry rodent emerges from his hidey hole to determine the course of an entire season. It’s a magical time, filled with whatever it is the people in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania do for fun, like wear big hats and... eat pierogies.

But it’s also World Ukulele Day! Which is a day that I only just found out about, and celebrates all things, well, ukulele, I suppose. It is really a fun little instrument, though. I’ve never been musically inclined, muc...

The Coterie

So, this is (most of) the collection. God bless my girls’ girls — believe it or not, I need these things. Physiology be damned, but if I’m maintaining the normal course of the day-to-day, I can’t really go longer than an hour without proper support. With great power; great responsibility. gp;gr.

I have my favorites, of course. Some of them are more for pomp and circumstance. Some of them are for if I’m out on the street, rocking a T-shirt and a pair of jeans, and just want to ...

Thing A Day (2021)

About a year ago, before The Madness, I did this thing here on the Patreon that was actually a lot of fun. Basically, it was called “Thing A Day,” and the idea was, come hell or high water, I would post at least something every day. Maybe a mirror selfie, or a picture of what I’m cooking, or drinking, or some odd little snippet of life, a throwback pic, a silly nip-slip, a creative project that fascinates me temporarily, whatever. A huge, long-winded essay, or a stupid thing that I saw...

Auld Lang Syne 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This is true, it’s not even just a thing because ‘tis the season. But New Year’s has always been my favorite holiday.

I’m not a terribly religious person, but I do take a certain amount of solace in the idea of redemption. I think it’s probably the same reason why “A Christmas Carol” is my favorite story: no matter what happened before, it’s never too late to make good, to pick yourself up from your bootstraps, to start again from your beginnings, never breathe a word a...

Top-Down?

So recently, when the wherewithal recently struck me to do basically a full, two-evening-straight photo shoot (results of that extravaganza are coming, as I become less and less picky about which ones don't make me look old/fat/weird, because believe it or not, I'm actually remarkably un-photogenic, and every picture y'all ever see means that about 50 were discarded, but it's my Patreon by-God, so I'll be as picky as I please, thank you very much. :-P ) (That was a long parenthetical... where...

Psychedelic Dressing Room 5: Whatever This Thing Is

I guess it's a smock? Not sure. It's this thin polyester material with this pastoral scene on the bottom. Why was this created? For whom? It's certainly large enough to considered a coverup for My 600-Pound Life: Beach Edition. 

I don't know why, but it feels like I've seen this fabric before. Some tablecloth buried deep in my grandparents' attic? Curtains from a farmhouse kitchen? Whichever the case, it does fall into the category of "This was sold somewhere, once, as clothing, an...

Psychedelic Dressing Room 4: Cable Knit FTW

That's the one. That's what I'm talking about. A good, solid cable-knit sweater to replace the one that ended up all but ruined by the end of last winter. 

I'm sure the same fate will befall this one. There are plenty of fire embers to go around, and it's not like the fact that I'm already a bit of a slob when I eat does me any favors when [insert random condiment here] ends up on my built...

Psychedelic Dressing Room 3: Trucker’s Hitch

I was really curious about this one from the get go. I’m not exactly sure when, or if, it was ever in style? I’m not the most sartorial person in the world, but I’m not really quite sure what function a denim, button down, sleeveless tunic serves. It FEELS like it came from a very early 2000s? But I can’t be quite sure.

It’s got these funky belt loops, so… Wear it with a belt I gues...

Psychedelic Dressing Room 2: Monkey Needs a Hug

OK, so I’m digging this one. I didn’t notice until recently, but these things that I’ve always called overalls are called “monkeys” here. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s adorable.

You’re going to see me in these things again, because I feel like I’ve struck gold. They are overalls, but they’re maternity overalls. Disclaimer, I am most certainly not pregnant. But, the denim is stretchy. Especially in the middle, and there’s more than enough room for me t...

Psychedelic Dressing Room 1: Pretty in Pink?

I decided to start out on easy mode. When I was thinking about the order coming in the mail, my mind went to this one a couple of times. One, because it’s a little brighter than I usually go. But I like the pattern. And, just take a look at the tag. It falls solidly into “baggy shirt” territory.

That kind of shirt you just wear around the house most days, especially these day...

Where the hell did October go.

Granted, where the hell has 2020 gone. For so many reasons, this year can just sit down and consume the most giant buffet of dicks in the entire world. Just a whole buffet of dicks.

I think we are all trying to find new ways to keep busy, and stay sane. I don’t know about you guys, but so far, quarantine has caused me to go from being a lousy baker to a solidly mediocre one. I tried growing some plants from seed, but that experiment failed miserably. (Which is a bummer, because it wa...

Girl in the High Tower - Chapter 7

(Editor's Note: About Damned Time, Right? It's been a while. But I have so desperately wanted to get back to this story. I've really developed feelings for these two protagonists — I've even basically written chapters 8-9! But it needed a transition... something to get these two on a level playing field. In my own mind, I've had it as these first 7 chapters being the "introduction/courtship" phase, where the stage is set and intentions are clear. Going forward, we are entering act 2: th...