Achewood

Back In the Art Studio

I spent about five hours in my new basement studio yesterday, and it was enough time to get back in the flow and feel free within the tools. If I take too long off, I get awkward and hesitant with the paints, brushes, and attacks, and that sort of stutter-stepping is the death of a canvas. My rubric for releasing a comic, or any writing really, is that if I'm not sincerely feeling and transmitting back-of-the-house (personal term for the subconscious) energy when I create it, no amount of con...

0094 — Philippe's Slumber Party!

Process panels and writing from this strip post at noon in tiers 2 & 3, as always!

When I was in sixth grade I was invited to a birthday slumber party at a friendly guttersnipe named Derek's house. His mom worked at Ed's, a low-slung building in our economically free-falling mountain town, which was equal parts crappy mini mart and dangerous dive bar. I was excited, because the gang in attendance would be a dynamic mix of cool kids and scrappy townies. (Derek liked...

Ray's Place: Baby Kings, Twin Language, Long-Distance Threesome

Good afternoon Ray, My 4-year old won't go to bed. He doesn't seem to mind the concept, but rarely lays down without trying to negotiate his way out of it, if not mild-to-medium intensity rage. What can we do to help him go to sleep peacefully? Regards, Over this Shit

Dear ROTS,

Well, you definitely asked the main child-rearing expert of our times. Oh wait, I am widely regarded as a player with a helicopter. Whatever! Let’s fix your problem. 

What you...

Ciao, Roma: Shroomin’ the Mistakes Away

Because I was unwisely given the responsibility of planning the Rome portion of our honeymoon, its end-date did not fit accurately into the overarching calendar of our travels, and we wound up with an extra day in the city — which we discovered after we had packed to leave for Naples, but, thankfully, before we had left the keys on the table and departed for the train.

Lauren, whose patience for the cobbles, crowds, and ceaseless carbohydrates had run thin by now, opted to pass ...

0093b — Jounce By the Ounce

I was very torn by the "Bread is afraid of the gravy" vs "blotting up coffee" choice. I like them equally, for different reasons. Which one edges out the other, for you?

0093 — Roast Beef's Sexy Thoughts

(Complete outtakes from this strip post at noon in tiers 2 & 3!)

If you've ever received a startlingly generous portion of breakfast meat at a restaurant, you know how it can come to dominate your thoughts. For example:

Does somebody back there "like" me? Even though I'm with my partner they do this?! I hope I am not about to get drugged and lured into some seedy underworld that I have never seen but assume must be there.  

In...

Ray's Place: "How's it Hangin'," Shower Sex, Makin' Money at Rock Bottom

Dear Ray. I have always been a "dress left" guy but since turning fifty I think that dressing right is a younger look. Do you have any exercises/regimen that will help me with my transition? Asking for a friend. JHC.

JHC— 

At first I thought you meant by “dress left” that your manhood hangs to the left and your tailored suits are adjusted to accommodate it. (2024-10-24 20:39:10 +0000 UTC View Post

Ray's Place: Call For Submissions!

Your lowly editor here, at the behest of "comedy mogul (?) and impresario Ray Smuckles," asking you to post your advice questions for Ray here. He'll probably stop monitoring incoming messages within twenty-four hours, and may begin answering them this very afternoon, as he just had a meeting fall through. (Pro shop called to say nobody was around to install a new grip on his putter; now he has nothing to do but get high until dinnertime.)

By the by, I put a (?) on the ...

0092b — Forbidden scraps from the alpha cat vapor trail

So I told you the story, in the caption to this strip's primary release, of the strange boy from the woods, who tried to pull a really b-grade Deliverance on me one day. The rest of the story of this strip is that I suddenly wrote it Saturday night at the Nation of Language show, maybe a week after remembering that incident. Lauren had surprised me with tickets, and I love Nation of Language, so it was a great night. But when duty called — in this ca...

Our Week in Photos

Now that the jet lag has concluded its solo and returned to its seat in the orchestra pit of accumulated sleep damage, I am cautiously settling back into "everyday life." For me that's a fairly routine thing of a celebratory breakfast, followed by a brief moment where I organize a few (but not all) responsibilities at the computer, and then either go to the gym or go running. (Today it's the gym, for Coop's "chest and tri's" workout.) Then I pass through a grocery store for dinner inspiration...

0092 — Ray's Fucked-Up Secret

I was recently catalyzed to remember, I know not by what, a weird boy I had met when we first moved to the woods. His family lived in a bit of a cabin — as distinguished from a home by its rustic innards and outards — and the parents didn't have the common social graces to which I was accustomed. One day when we were there alone after school he attempted some manner of handsy dry-humping maneuver on me, which I found unacceptable, and I informed him of this. (I wasn't much practiced ...

Fanflow Flashback - July 24, 2009

There have been a few other Prime Time Records albums unearthed here, but I don't think this one's seen the light of day since its original run date. Ray seems to have been deeply affected by the plight of someone named Terry Parker, and is also wearing what looks like a Michael Jackson-style chef's coat. No idea about the hair, but it's just like him to suddenly have hair like that.

For the curious, "wonder-panning" was the practice of a vocalist making some kind of pithy point, then ...

Rome: The Actual Footprints of Jesus!

Lauren enjoys riding bicycles, and I am experienced in this modest elective*, so we thought it would be diverting to join a tourist’s riding group around Rome.

“They’re e-bikes,” she mentioned, looking at their page the night before. 

“Isn’t the theme of this whole town that civilizations collapse?” I replied. 

“And there’s a picnic lunch.”

“If we can’t even pedal bicycles any more, our destiny is to become marshmallow bycatch when the...

0091b — Sourdough Discards From The Pot Roast Follies

Careful readers will notice, hidden among the creative off-cuts, the colorized image of an ermine-clad Philippe holding a luminous trident. Who can tell everyone what it's from? (No, it's not the Transfer Station arc.)

0091 — The Birthday Pot Roast

The process/B-roll strips which post two hours after this comic are back! They're available to the Author's Tier and In-Universe Tier — upgrade for a month and see all you've been missing!  

It was discussed at the house that this was a "weird one" to run directly after our honeymoon, so I promised to make it clear that this strip was premised solely on how bloated I felt after eating a bunch of the in-flight dinner buns on Briti...

0090 — Momentary Diversion Comix

Welcome back, me! There's still the usual Friday strip coming tomorrow; today's doodle was simply inspired by the schools of leaves which shimmer down from the trees as they enter their well-deserved season of tranquility. Growing efficiencies in the overseas manufacture of plastic skeletons has the whole town participating in a surfacey flirtation with a ghoul which has not yet come for their own personal sweetmeats. Hamburger lunches taken at the quick-counter cool too soon, hastening us to...

A Moment With Roast Beef.

A glimpse into the mind of R. Beef Kazenzakis. Co-starring: a leaf blower, a free day, and a chest cold.

Rome, And Other Civic Constipation

Note: We have returned home, and I am now catching up with the last five days of the trip, which got so busy I couldn't adequately document it in real-time. Several more installments will follow.

As I sit and weep back at the room, forcing concrete grapes out of my ass, I visualize the fruit cup vendor we saw by the Circus Maximus the day before. Would he still be there? How much for a cab? How much for an airlift? If there is a crisis facing the tourist to Rome, it is a diet c...

0089 — Honeymoon Shorties #6/6

This comic is from an actual double-take I did recently. In reality, I had misread the shirt. I don't know what it actually said, but the idea of drinking so much coffee each day that the belly distends in the manner of a pregnancy captivated me.

For the next two weeks, while we're away on our honeymoon, I'm running three new strips a week, M-W-F. These are ultra-classic, single-row Achewood strips like you saw in 2001. 

I'm posting three a wee...

0088 — Honeymoon Shorties #5/6

For the next two weeks, while we're away on our honeymoon, I'm running three new strips a week, M-W-F. These are ultra-classic, single-row Achewood strips like you saw in 2001. 

I'm posting three a week instead of the usual one-on-Friday because, frankly, posting short strips makes me feel insecure about providing enough value for you, even though I love how this set of six captures the old absurdist flavor of original Achewood. It's me, not you....

Ray in Australia — Part 3 of 6

Some many years ago, an Australian journalist named Tim Blair commissioned Ray Smuckles to write a series of columns for Sydney’s Daily Telegraph. Ray, true to form, didn’t really ask what Mr. Blair wanted from the partnership, and randomly submitted several pieces over the course of the next few months. Remarkably, they actually ran, but as they no longer exist on the Tele’s site, I reprint them here for your enjoyment. 

(Addendum: Thanks to alert read...

0087 — Honeymoon Shorties #4/6

This one gets my vote for the Most OG Style Achewood of this entire 6-strip mini-run. Do you think it compares to the year one mentality?

For the next two weeks, while we're away on our honeymoon, I'm running three new strips a week, M-W-F. These are ultra-classic, single-row Achewood strips like you saw in 2001. 

I'm posting three a week instead of the usual one-on-Friday because, frankly, posting short strips makes me feel insecure about prov...

Rome: Teasing The Veil

So much happens in Rome, even when just slipping around the corner to buy the morning bus ticket, that documenting every remarkable little moment would somehow begin to take more time than the trip itself. It is a phenomenon, but in a city where the tourists outnumber the cobblestones and the cats want no pats, you salve the confusion with another cup of gelato and buy yourself a flamboyant neckerchief you swear you’ll wear back at home in front of people who already knew you.

After ...

How To Rome The Onstad Way

Rome.

Arisen, eyes ringed red

Displeased but not abusive WhatsApp

Sent to rental manager

Massimo will check the A/C

While you are out

Maybe make a video

Of the controls

No video was made

Owing in perhaps equal parts to my day-slaying outfit (vintage 90s Italian designer polo shirt, green neck bandana, flat cap, unusual tennis shoes, dark sung...

0086 — Honeymoon Shorties #3/6

For the next two weeks, while we're away on our honeymoon, I'm running three new strips a week, M-W-F. These are ultra-classic, single-row Achewood strips like you saw in 2001. 

I'm posting three a week instead of the usual one-on-Friday because, frankly, posting short strips makes me feel insecure about providing enough value for you, even though I love how this set of six captures the old absurdist flavor of original Achewood. It's me, not you....

Rome wasn’t built in a day, probably due to shitty appliances

I would complain about every meal for the last seven days being just cheese and bread, but all my hair is growing back! This makes me very happy.

LEAVING THE COAST

Our last day on the coast consisted of a walk along the clifftop highway between Minori and Maiori, and two hours chatting in a beachfront cafe waiting for a rainstorm to subside. We ate, then we ate gelato, then we climbed hundreds more stone steps back to our funny retreat among the citrus s...

Ray's Place: Avoiding Stoner Disasters, Nerd Terror at the Theater, Thermometers

dear ray what are the best ingredients to keep on hand for when the party goes late and people might not be able to handle proper cooking but you as the host dont want guests to have to resort to ordering delivery — Zen Window

Dear e e cummings, 

I’m going to be charitable and decide that your lack of grammar and punctuation is because you actually composed this at just such a party, and wanted to send it before the thought evaporat...

Pilgrimage to Tramonti, Birthplace of Pizza (Nina! He says this!)

Pizzeria San Francisco Tramonti, Costa D'Amalfi

IG: @pizzeria_san_francisco_tra

Alfonso’s electric golf cart whirred us down the winding mountain road from Zagara, the cool night air off the vines and stones nostalgic of those first early teenage years giddily spent out late in undefined freedom. We rolled down the narrow cobbled streets of Minori, over the seafront cliff road, then began the thirty minute winding climb into Tramonti. The invigorating a...

0085 — Honeymoon Shorties #2/6

For the next two weeks, while we're away on our honeymoon, I'm running three new strips a week, M-W-F. These are ultra-classic, single-row Achewood strips like you saw in 2001. 

I'm posting three a week instead of the usual one-on-Friday because, frankly, posting short strips makes me feel insecure about providing enough value for you, even though I love how this set of six captures the old absurdist flavor of original Achewood. It's me, not you....

Ascending To The Monk Of Pizza

Alfonso Golf Cart, who hustles tourists around the cliffside town in a spanky open-air four-seater, quoted us 50€ each way to a secluded four-table pizzeria up in Tramonti, run by a former English student of Nilde named Francesco. Alfonso looks like if a young Le Corbusier had given himself to racquetball instead of concrete.

There are reassuring Italian-language videos of Francesco forcefully but lovingly working his silken jellyfish-heads of dough — on floured marble in a low, am...