Chase's Diary, Entry #30: Goldie's Guide

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MOBILE TEXT:

Hello, lovers of the written word and enthusiasts of fantastic tales! It is I, Big Gold, being kindly transcribed by my friend Master Deacon, with an important addition to the household annals of our daily activities and deepest ruminations!

Today I would like to present a small treatise that I have labored mightily to compose! After many nights spent in contemplation of the subject, I feel that I am one of the most qualified authorities on this subject, and thus would be remiss if I did not weigh in on it. It was a true effort of scholarly dedication on my part, if I do say so myself. But no periodic journal of our exploits would be complete without it!

I present to you now, "Big Gold’s Guide to Fairy Tales!”

I do hope Deacon has written that title slightly bigger than the rest of the words, as instructed.

Now, you may yourself be familiar with some of your local fairy tales. You may even have written one! I commend you on this. It is no small feat to give life to a story that delights audiences of all ages! And yet, there are some stories which rise above the rest, to occupy the forefront of the genre we call Fairy Tale. I would like to now present to you the Best Stories that I know, with an appropriate ranking from one to ten, and a brief summary of their contents. But know that regardless of how I rank them, they are all exceptional in their own way, and should be enjoyed at your earliest convenience if you are not yet aware of them!

With that, let us continue onto the stories in question!

Sleeping Beauty

Rank: ten out of ten!

This story concerns a woman who is of royal birth, but finds herself in quite a pickle when she is forced to sleep for a much longer than usual time! I admit, the idea upset me when I first learned about it. What a horror to not be active as much as possible! And yet many may identify with the lady in question and even envy her lot in life...especially my brother Bronze! He has made it clear on many an occasion that sleeping is one of his favorite hobbies. And I have to concede that he is exceptionally good at it! Thus, this classic story of sleeping in may resonate with a lot of people who are not me. We must always remember that not every story speaks to every reader in exactly the same way...a wise lesson to learn!

Snow White

Rank: ten out of ten!

This terrifying tale of vanity and fruit hardly needs an introduction, as its name is surely known to you! A young princess is ensared in the machinations of her wicked stepmother, who wishes her gone so that she may talk to her mirror in peace! The mirror is quite a chatty fellow and wishes only to gossip about the princess, to the annoyance of the Queen.

Chase says he dislikes this story and avoids it when possible, “because who kisses a corpse, yuck.” I admit that though I sympathise with young Snow White, Chase has a point. Why kiss a deceased woman, fine Prince? There are many alive maidens who would no doubt appreciate the gesture more! Get out there and start mingling, sir! You will find someone!


Cinderella

Rank: also ten out of ten!

Ah, now this story is surely one of Master Chase’s favorites, as he has done it many, many times! A lady is in great distress, as there is an unequal division of labor in her household. Such a thing does not happen in our own, of course. I clean my own house regularly, and Master Deacon has put a small paper cup in as a wastebasket, into which Bronze can deposit his candy wrappers. The pile of wrappers has yet to make it entirely into the cup as a whole, but progress is being made!

I do have concerns about the Prince in this story, as he can only identify his beloved by her shoe size. I would suggest memorizing her eye color or height first! Much more considerate.

War of Kings

Rank: ten out of ten!

I had not heard of this story before, but Master Deacon insisted it was a classic tale, divided over several troublingly large volumes of books. He began reading to us from the first book, which contained what he said was “important world-building backstory that you really need to understand before we jump in.” We were about a third of the way through the history of all the elven realm’s trade agreements with various far- flung countries, when Master Chase burst in and stated that “we’ll all be dead by the time you finish reading them that giant wall of elf-blab.” He then put on the trilogy movie series for us to watch instead. I enjoyed the films greatly! Silver did too, but felt it should have had more singing. Bronze fell asleep before the second film.

Stormy’s Race To The Finish

Ranking: ???

This was a book that Master Chase found in one of the old boxes from the tower room and gave to us, insisting it was one of his cousin’s favorites. It had a rendering of a very striking black horse on the cover, with a young girl in a pink helmet and riding gear by his side, combing his mane.

We did not get to read it however, as Master Deacon snatched it up and put it away somewhere. Somewhat of a disappointment! But the horse painting on the cover was excellent!


These are all the stories I have to present to you today, but perhaps in the future I will once again regale you with more timeless tales of ladies in distress, elf economies and horses! Farewell, loyal readers!

-Big Gold