In Your Shadow [Chapter 4]

[Chapter 3]



Katsuki had just been invited to sit down at their daily six o’clock meeting, and before Deku even handed over the timetable, he was frowning at Katsuki across the desk.

“I only work with people who earn my attention,” Deku said sternly. “Not the entitled brats. The entitled brats get sent back to school to explain to their teachers why they no longer have an internship and likely never will again. Do I make myself clear?”

Katsuki scowled, forgetting himself for a moment as he folded his arms across his chest, slumping in his chair. He hadn’t even started enacting his plan yet, had only done a few hours of his tamest bullshit the night prior, and already Deku could see right through him?

“Who ratted me out?” he grumbled, looking away. “Such bullshit.”

“You will look at me when I’m speaking to you, Katsuki.”

He’d never heard Deku’s voice drop so low before, so… angry. Maybe he really had taken it too far. Shit.

Grudgingly, he turned his head back, finding the shining green of Deku’s eyes unusually dark, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown. If he hadn’t known any better, he might have thought it was a whole different person staring down at him.

“Okay,” he said, cringing at how softly his own voice came out. “I’m looking.”

“The heroes of this agency have taken time out of their own schedules for your trainings, have made space in their teams to welcome you on their patrols, and you’ve repaid them by acting like a spoiled child who won’t listen to a word anyone says. I’m not stupid, Katsuki, I know what you think you’re doing, but it will not work. You will be back at U.A. with your tail between your legs long before you will get a training session with me. Do you understand?”

“I-”

“Yes or no, Katsuki.”

Katsuki paused for a moment, sighing as he lowered his gaze slightly.

“Yes,” he conceded. “I understand.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“Yes.”

“Then what do you say?”

Katsuki cringed again, fingers curling as he considered it. He despised the idea of lowering himself that far, of begging like an asshole, but…

“Can I ask a question. Please.”

“Yes, you may.”

“I know All Might and Best Jeanist begged you to take me,” he grumbled. “I’m not stupid either, I know you didn’t want to take me. But if you’re so busy that you don’t have the time for me, why didn’t you just say no? They would understand, if you were too busy.”

“No one said they had to beg,” Deku corrected him. “I don’t have time right now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be able to find time before the end of the internship period. If my colleagues can come to me and say ‘this kid is amazing, you’re gonna love him’, don’t you think I’ll be more inclined to make that time than if they’re telling me what a brat you are?”

“Yes,” Katsuki admitted. “I get it.”

“So are you going to change your attitude, or should I call Aizawa right now?”

“I’ll…” Katsuki paused, grimacing. He knew what he was supposed to say, but… “I can’t promise I’ll be perfect.”

“I didn’t ask you for perfection, Katsuki. I will never ask you for perfection. Here, read this to me.”

He handed over a sheet of paper, a paragraph highlighted in bright green, and Katsuki narrowed his eyes at the man before he began to read.

“The Deku Agency was founded with a core belief that while not everyone is created equal, what really determines one’s success and strength is the hard work and determination they put in. Even with an amazing quirk, it takes years of training, rigorous testing, and an overall drive to always be the best you can possibly be. As someone who has dreamed of being a hero since I was a child, I believe I can uphold this core belief to a standard that would make Deku proud to call me a member of his team. I continue to devote every aspect of my life to the pursuit of being number one, and I’m sure Deku would enjoy some competition in the next rankings.”

“You wrote that for me, Katsuki.”

“I know that. I should have edited it more, ugh.”

“Were you just writing pretty words to get my attention?” Deku asked, barely repressing the urge to roll his eyes – Katsuki would know that look anywhere. “Were you just telling me what you thought I wanted to hear?”

“No.”

“Then tell me why you wrote it.”

“Because…” Katsuki paused, grimacing. “Being a hero is all I’ve ever wanted. To be number one. Like All Might was. Like you are. I want that more than anything.”

“In your entire twelve-page essay, did you once use the word perfection?”

“No.”

“Then why do you think I want perfection from you?”

Katsuki couldn’t seem to find an answer for that, but the way Deku waited, watching him, made him feel like he really should have one. A small part of him felt like he should say ‘because you are’ but he knew Deku would see right through that, even if… Well, he did kinda seem that way, some days. Katsuki was determined to figure it out though, to find his flaws, to use Deku’s weaknesses to skyrocket himself to number one in the charts.

“You bite your nails,” Deku noted, reaching to take the page back.

“So what?” Katsuki grumbled, face flushed. “Not professional enough for a hero or some sh- something?”

“Just an observation,” Deku shrugged, handing him the usual daily folder. “I’ve added something new to your timetable, and I don’t want to hear any complaints about it. Understood?”

“Yes, Deku.”

He looked down at the little coloured blocks on his schedule, confused and a little concerned by the name that waited on the newest addition – it wasn’t a hero name, this time. Just a generic surname and a room number, somewhere on the first floor.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

Deku gave him a pointed look, and Katsuki huffed.

“Can I please ask a question?”

“You may.”

“Who is… Dangou?”

“Ms Dangou is one of our agency counsellors. She helps people to deal with things like traumatic experiences and… anxiety.”

Katsuki had to fight the urge to tear the piece of paper into tiny little shreds, grip tightening on the folder to keep the temptation at bay. Deku seemed unsurprised by the reaction, though, and offered him a perfectly spherical All Might plushie from the desk.

“Hold this,” he instructed, waiting for Katsuki to take it from him. “Squeeze it.”

He hated to admit it, but squishing the thing in his hands was kind of satisfying. It was just a big soft ball with the tiniest arms and legs coming off the bottom, his fingers sinking deep into the dumb grin as he held it a little tighter.

“I know what you’ve been through,” Deku continued calmly, his voice a little softer. “And if I know anything about U.A., I know that they never thought to send you to talk to someone about it. So you’re going to go visit Ms Dangou today, just for an hour, and talk about whatever you feel like talking about. The weather, your favourite foods, what you did over your last vacation, or just sit there in silence for an hour for all I care. That’s between you and her, and you are under no obligation to tell anyone else what you decided to do for that hour.”

“Okay.”

“She will not report back to me, not a single word. Nor to anyone else. Not your parents, not your teachers, it will remain solely between you and her. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes, Deku.”

“Tell me what I’m saying.”

“If I want to talk about… stuff, no one else will ever know.”

“Good boy.”

He’d never say it out loud, but Katsuki was kind of getting used to that small piece of praise. It had seemed so condescending at first – okay, maybe it still seemed condescending – but it also felt… Genuine. Like Deku really did think he’d done a good thing, in that moment.

“If you ever decide you want to talk to me about any of it, I will gladly listen,” Deku added, when the silence grew a little longer than usual. “But you’re under no obligation, okay? You need to do what’s best for you with this.”

“Okay.”

“Go on, then. Mirio is expecting you in the gym. I hope to hear good things about your progress today, Katsuki.”

Katsuki set the toy down on Deku’s desk, nodding faintly as he stood up, and as he headed for the door, his mind swirled with a mess of thoughts.

“Deku?” he asked, unsurprised this time when it came out quiet.

“Yes, Katsuki?”

“I’m gonna make you beg to work with me.” A smirk twitched at the corner of his lips, and Katsuki didn’t fight it back. “You’re gonna be making time for me within hours.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Deku grinned, so much brighter than anything else he’d given Katsuki in the past few days. “I can’t wait to see.”

─────

When his final patrols of the day were over, a bunch of ridiculous bows exchanged with the heroes who so graciously took him along – gag – and his sweaty, stinky costume was thrown into the laundry for the next morning, Katsuki made his way to a familiar office door. He’d never been called in during the evening before, had always gotten his lectures the next morning, so far, but he’d come back from patrol to a note at the front desk, telling him to come by for another meeting. He had to have done something really bad, and worst of all, he didn’t even know what.

“Who is it?” the voice called, as soon as he knocked on the door.

“Katsuki.”

“Come in!”

He didn’t even have time to open his mouth for the stupid greetings before Deku was waving at the chair, hurriedly pushing aside a cheap convenience-store bento box and setting down a stack of papers.

“Sit, sit. I lost track of time a little. Thank you for coming.”

Katsuki didn’t bother to answer, dropping carefully into the seat and making sure he sat up straight -  he still had no idea why Deku cared so much about something so petty, but he was number one, and he wasn’t forcing Katsuki into ridiculously tight jeans, so he supposed it wasn’t so bad.

“I just wanted to ask how things went today.”

“Don’t your staff tell you that?”

“I want to hear it from you.”

Katsuki paused, glancing away for a moment as he considered it, wondering exactly what it was that he was meant to be owning up to.

“I think it was okay,” he answered awkwardly. “I didn’t yell at anyone, I swear.”

“I’m not accusing you of anything,” Deku grinned knowingly. “I’m just asking, that’s all.”

“Mirio was cool. He always is, but you know that. Um, thanks. For… assigning him to help me, and stuff. I hope he’s not sick of me yet.”

“Did you know him before he graduated? You must have crossed over in his last year.”

“He visited my class once, but I was suspended for a couple of days so I missed it. He fought them and kicked all their asses. I was kinda jealous I didn’t get to join in.”

He paused, and Deku opened his mouth to speak, but Katsuki quickly continued before the words could come out.

“It was a stupid suspension, before you ask. I just got pissed off about… Stuff. Everything. And I took it out on one of my classmates. I destroyed half the common room trying to make him fight me at his full strength because he refused to take me seriously, and when Aizawa split us up, he put me on cleaning duty instead of school.”

“Not your smartest move.”

“No,” Katsuki huffed. “I don’t know why I did it.”

“I think I could make a few guesses.”

“Because I have anger problems?” Katsuki asked, eyebrows knitting together as he averted his eyes, refusing to meet Deku’s gaze. “Whatever, he deserved it.”

“I was thinking more like because you bottle things up instead of talking about what’s bothering you, not so much about anger.”

“Oh. That’s why I’m here. You want to ask about the counselling shit.”

“Language.”

“The counselling nonsense.”

“It didn’t go well, then?”

Katsuki huffed, and Deku cracked a small smile.

“I’m not asking for details, you know that. I just want to know if you think it was okay or if it was completely awful and you never want to go back.”

“If I say I don’t want to go back, will you still make me?”

“Yes, but I’ll keep it under consideration until a decent amount of time has passed, and if you haven’t changed your mind, I won’t pursue it.”

“Then it was sh- Awful.”

“Can you tell me why it was awful?”

Katsuki knew he was pouting like a stubborn little kid again, but he couldn’t seem to make himself stop, so he supposed he was just gonna have to suffer through it.

“She treated me like a child,” he mumbled grudgingly.

He expected Deku to laugh at him, expected him to tease about how he was a child and had been acting like a child, but instead… Deku nodded.

“Okay,” he said firmly, turning to look at his computer screen. “We’ll book you with someone else, then. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right fit, but she was the first one with a convenient appointment available. Would you prefer a man rather than a woman? Or vice versa?”

Katsuki didn’t answer at first, a little stunned by it all, and Deku tilted his head to the side as he considered Katsuki’s expression carefully.

“We have a male counsellor on site too,” he clarified. “and another woman, three people total. They have different styles and such. Ms Dangou has kind of a motherly vibe that a lot of people find comforting, but I guess that’s not for you.”

“My mother is a hard-ass,” he grumbled. “Nothing like that creepy woman.”

“Be nice. Let’s give Mister Surusumi a try tomorrow, you can see if he’s a better fit for you.”

“Alright,” Katsuki grumbled – he was honestly still a little baffled by actually having a say in the matter. Deku had put him in the appointments without a choice, so to be asked his opinion on who to see just felt weird. “I guess so.”

“Cool, I’ll book that in for tomorrow, then. I think you’ll like him. He’s a young guy, used to be a hero, spent most of his career overseas. He had to retire young because of an injury, so he came home, and he’s been incredibly helpful for a lot of our staff. And just like I said this morning, anything you say to him is held in the strictest confidence. With very few exceptions, he will not share anything you might tell him.”

“Exceptions?’

“If he thinks you’re going to hurt someone, including yourself, he’s probably going to try to stop that, and that might mean warning me to watch out for it, or something of the sort. I don’t expect that to be a problem though, figured it was more the dealing with emotions and managing trauma that you need to work through. I mean, if you are thinking about hurting yourself, you should absolutely tell him so he can help, but-”

“I’m not.”

“Good. Then you have nothing to worry about. I’m not going to go prying into your private conversations. If you feel like he’s a better fit, we’ll continue booking you in with him, but if it’s just as bad, or worse, we’ll try again with our third option. You just let me know what you think, alright?”

“Yeah.”

Deku raised an eyebrow at him, and Katsuki huffed again.

“Yes, Deku.”

“Good. Do you have any last questions?”

“No.”

“You’re dismissed, then. Make sure you check your emails, Aizawa will be sending you homework. We’ll schedule you some time to do it, you don’t need to stay up all night, just make sure you check it and let him know you received it. And let me know if you need extra time for it.”

“I will.”

“Get some rest, then! Have a good night!”

“Yeah. Um, thank you. You too.”

Deku beamed at him as he quickly showed himself out, face burning bright red – using those stupid polite “manners” still felt so damn foreign, and he hated the way Deku always seemed so pleased by it. Stupid smug bastard. Katsuki would wipe that damn smile off his face soon enough – he wouldn’t be grinning when Katsuki was knocking him down to number two on the charts.

[Chapter 5]