Please shut your fuxxxing heart!

I'm literally going crazy. 

Like, I've been going nonstop the past week. NON. FUCKING. STOP. 

It's not that I don't have time to myself or time to sleep. I just CAN'T be alone. I CAN't sleep. "My nerves will be the death of me... I know. I knoooooow." So said somebody a long time ago (bonus cheki to you IF you know who I'm quoting. And if you use Google, that's cheating!). 

Somebody said something a long time ago. 

That's how I feel lately. Like, I haven't had a normal conversation in forever with anyone. It's all been work-related, or talking to idols in fantasy world, or having endless conversations about losing HER, and now losing my chance to stay here in Japan if I don't come up with something quick. I mean... technically, I'm fine for another year and a half or so, but... I don't want to rely on chance for my status to be preserved as safe and not illegal. I literally don't know what to do anymore. I literally feel like I'm surrounded sometimes by people here who I work with but... that's it. People who I work with. Not people who I can trust. Or people who give a real shit about me. I feel like people closest to me are lying to me. And I'm being left out of the loop all the time too. Of important things. Things that I shouldn't ever, ever be left out of the loop on, but.. I am.

So yeah, I'm going it alone right now. Just doing my own thing, trying my hardest to not just fall down in the middle of a crowded Chiyoda train and have a mental collapse. Somedays I just want to talk to somebody... anybody here... and have them care, even a little, about me. About what I'm doing. But nobody does. And why should they? I'm just another stupid fucking gaijin invading their country. Here to stay, but not by choice. I have to stay. I have too many things here that matter to me. Even if what matters to me HURTS THE MOST.

You guys have NO fucking clue what I'm talking about, do you? That's okay... I'm not trying to be transparent, exactly. Cryptic is the way to go here, simply because I DO care about people. Sometimes. At least in terms of protecting those that if I were to talk about them right now, I would end people's careers. People's lives possibly too. 

I will say this, and only this, and then I'll stop being cryptic, and get on with my post about idols, because I know that's what all of you are really here for:

I saw cuts underneath cuts. They were red and recent. It's the epitome of instability. 

This is one person I care deeply for, almost too much I think, even though I'm fairly certain her heart belongs to another. That's okay... my interest isn't in her like that, but still... we share a common broken family. I thought I helped her to stop doing what she's doing... but she's still doing it. 

Kawaiso.

And SHE still hasn't given me my key back. To be fair though, I haven't seen her much at all since she took my letter. But SHE keeps that fantasy alive I have of seeing her shoes in my genkan when I come home from an idol Live or documentary work. But her shoes aren't there yet. The question is... will they ever be again?

"I think I know. I think I miiiight know. What makes a man.... What makes a man.... I can hear my train coming... looks like time is on my side... I'm still running from my life... what makes a man break when he's about to die... I think I know.... I think I miiiight know...."

--

My documentary filming is sort of coming to an end. The first big part at least... the editing job is still going to be months of work. I am working on the trailer now for the Kickstarter that's eventually going to go up once I get all the groups on board to go along with my crazy ideas for tiers. I just hope everybody gets into it and really supports what I'm doing. Because if you don't, I'm kind of finished. I've ran through my savings doing this documentary and am only getting by because of all of you being kind to me with gifts and donations and Patreon monthly contributions, plus jobs I'm working every other second of my life. But I can't sustain myself here in Japan doing normal jobs. I mean, I suppose I might have to go get a normal job to get a visa, because how else am I going to fucking stay here? I dunno... but... I'm telling all of you I'm going to have a mental collapse if that happens. I have worked for myself for 11 years... I have done what I wanted to do in my life for just as long, and almost everything I've wanted in life I have gotten, in terms of the goals I've set for myself. I have a kind of "Want" magic like that... except it doesn't work when I need it the absolute most. Like now... with my broken heart and wishing SHE would come back to me, or needing money to go to school for Japanese language, which would get me a 2 year visa, or hell... money to live and not worry about doing ANYTHING except being an artist and creating documentaries, finishing my books, and the other goals I have lined up for myself creatively. 

But yeah, my filming continues. I shot Merry Bad End again tonight. That was insanely fun. The girls are absolute gems and kind and as a side note, the idols I'm around are pretty much what is keeping me going in this shitty life because they are truly nice to me every chance I work with them. And the MBE girls are really a tight group that take care of each other and have been super generous to me in terms of giving me access. Tonight, I was backstage at the tiniest venue in the basement of a Pachinko palace that the show was, and I'm not sure you can even call it a "Gakuya"(This is Japanese for "Backstage"). It was a storage area with a set of stairs curtained off. That's where MBE was... all three, lined up on the stairs, with mirrors they placed around the steps, to do their hair and makeup. Yet there I was, right in the middle of them, filming their very private backstage time. And then after the live... outside when they were catching their breath, I filmed them having a laugh or two about the live. And the live itself... I was literally, at one point, in Chihiro's face so much I could've picked her nose with my finger! And Honami too... I was extremely close to them, but they didn't shy away. They played right to my camera and gave me some of the best shots I think I've taken yet of them (Don't judge the screenshots too harshly in this post though... the MBE girls move SO much it's hard to get a good shot of each of them). And I will continue to film more of them. Although now I'm at a dilemma of sorts... I was originally only going to film Chihiro but now... I kind of want to interview Honami and Yuina too and do stuff with them.

Should I? Give me your thoughts on this. Chihiro might still be my center focus in this documentary, but I'm working on that... it's going to depend if I can get more access to her private life. I think I can but it's going to take some more work and I have other bridges to cross too at this time.

Like working with the legendary Mizuho of Bellring Shoujo Girls Heart.

I just got word tonight that Mizuho said I can film more of her life. She had a lot of fun with me filming her this past weekend, and she likes me, as we get along really, really well. Though I think anyone can get along with Mizuho so I'm not that special... she's just super nice. But she agreed to have me film more of her... just not sure what that means exactly, but... it sounds like I can get her to be the focus in my documentary... then I want that too. Mizuho is a fucking ICON, and I'll be working with her a lot anyway in the future...so... I think I might be going down an unexpected but very welcome road with her. I can't wait.

I also filmed Ansan yesterday. Speaking of which... that was fucking crazy....

So in the morning, I went to Club Vuenos to film Ansan as he did his thing. He set up a huge idol taiban (Ansan, in case you don't know, is one of the biggest and most important idol show promoters working in Tokyo today) that was going on all day. I followed him around as best I could with my camera all through the multi-storied venue, and maaaaan... that dude never fucking stopped to catch his breath! I filmed everything... it's amazing, and I think you'll appreciate how much this guy does for all of you to come to Tokyo and enjoy a show of his and not even realizing his hard work that went into it. An idol producer, promoter, and staff position... these are thankless jobs. I hope to change that a bit with my documentary.

So yeah, at some point, Ricky finally got ahold of me to tell me when we were meeting to head to Shinjuku RENY for the Dear Stage show that we were playing. So I had to book it to Shinjuku and meet at the West Exit.... which, if you know ANYTHING about this exit... it's fucking huuuuuge, with a million exits inside of a big exit. And so yeah... kind of had to guess where to meet Ricky and the girls? I eventually figured it out, and met up with everybody. Then the Dear Stage show was a big fucking deal... these are MAJOR idols, not CHIKA idols, so we were kind of out of our element, as we were pretty much the only underground group there. 

But the Dear Stage staff and Reny's staff were all fucking pros and super kind. But wooow... it was fucking awesome and super weird to see bottles lined up backstage with Necroma's name by them and the bottle got the square cut out of the top cap and straws inserted... I mean... that's NOT the world I am used to here in Tokyo in the Chika scene. Even the Necroma girls were laughing it up when they saw that. We even got our own dressing room of sorts... and that's also not usual... I mean, read a few paragraphs above where I talk about the Gakuya being a set of steps. Necroma has had to endure shit like that before and still do, to a certain degree. So yeah... we were part of some next level shit.

The performance was exceptional, to be honest. Necroma always kills it on big stages. The songs and the dancing are designed for a big stage, not a small stage. Honestly, we have the spirit of those who like to play smaller stages, as I prefer them, but the sound and the heart that the girls put into it... stadium size, people. These girls gave it their all, as it mattered so much to play to the Dear Stage people, in hopes that they'll invite us back to play more with them. The girls and Ricky were totally freaked out and nervous. I was calm as could be for some reason... probably because I hadn't slept much? I dunno. It didn't bother me at all like it did them. I was the calm in the tides at this show. They can thank me some day for that. 

Rei cried on the stage. A little girl's dream of hers to be on the same stage as a Dear Stage group... she was overwhelmed. Hima too, though for a different reason. I won't get into that, as it's personal for her, but yeah... everybody was going through some shit at this show. Later... during buppan, I had to find where we were, which, to my surprise, they put us in front of the stage next to the other groups that were kind of big. Thank you Dear Stage! Then I had to figure out all the arrangements for how the girls were going to stand and the fans we had lined up to meet Necroma. I got it all straightened out and for an hour and a half, we did chekis right up to the very last minute allowed. We were the only group that did this, because our fans are super fucking loyal and kept looping and looping and talking to the girls. Oh, and Moe from Kiss Hug was there! She did cheki with her favorite Necroma members. I was happy to see here there. We talked briefly and she showed me her chekis. Thank you Moe! 

Highlight of my entire day though... at the end of buppan, Michelle finally ran out of loopers in her line and she was just kind of being silly, standing next to me at the buppan table. Somehow a discussion occurred between her and a fan about the word "FUCK" and then she remembered something from the other night that she learned.... it was the phrase "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH."

She said it and I started laughing. 

Then she said it again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. Then she yelled it:

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!" 

A few of the Japanese fans who speak English heard her and started laughing, but by this point, I WAS IN TEARS AND ON THE FLOOR laughing hysterically. Michelle was only encouraged by this and then she yelled it even LOUDER:

"SHUT YOUR FUUUUUUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!"

I have no idea WHO she was talking to... but it was seriously the best thing in my life at that point. I needed to laugh. And she came through for me. I was so happy!

After I packed up everything, I said goodbye to the girls and to Ricky and all the staff and jetted BACK to Shibuya around 10:20 or so and went to Vuenos to film Ansan closing up the taiban. I caught him JUST in time and scored some great last moment of the day shots. 

Then me and Ansan went out for drinks and dinner. And talked about his obsession with lizards and how neither one of us have fucking time for girlfriends (or in my case... any opportunities to move on from my broken fucking heart). I love Ansan so much... he has given me and so many idol fans mountains of hours of joy from the shows he's put on. And underneath it all, he's this adorable Japanese dude who just "get" idol, and everybody trusts him in the idol world. He walks freely through backstages as idols are getting dressed and they don't even flinch an eye because of who he is and how much he doesn't fuck around with idols but treats them very much like they should be treated... with absolute respect. I really love that about him. 

I stumbled on the train, not from being drunk (because it takes a lot for me to get drunk these days), but because it was just an overwhelming day from morning to night, of doing what I love, but also feeling so not loved, and this fucking dichotomy in my life is killing me inside. I work with the greatest people in the world, the most important people this world has ever known perhaps... as idols are here to save us all, yet because I can't be a fan... I don't get that chance to escape... I have to, at best, live vicariously, through the escape of fans and the idols too who use their jobs to escape their own mental prisons each day. I am underneath it all, and I miss the little things I had before, and I just don't know what to do now that I'm staring down two broken relationships I had that used to preserve me... I barely speak to my family anymore, as they are just... distant these days. Not on purpose... I know they love me and I love them, but... they are all slowly going away it feels sometimes. And my old friends... they are not there anymore really either. It's idols and me and staff and pretty fans and pretty people who ride trains, and myself looking at myself in the train windows and wishing I looked that good in the darkened view of myself than what I know I look like in real life... somebody who hasn't bothered to be fashionable since 2009, and who needs to find a haircut I can proudly wear instead of my beanie which hides all my insecurities everyday, and of course... of course of course of course... the fact that I feel a LOT like Slyvia Plath these days, when she had that explosion of poetic insight and churned out the best poetry perhaps of her entire life in a very short amount of time, including EDGE, and then she put her head in an oven and roasted her brains.
She did that, arguably, because Ted had cheated on her and she lost her love in life. Or maybe it was stemming from something far deeper inside of herself?

I won't kill myself. I just can't do that, as I've said before, and I'm not in that deep of a pit of despair... yet. But I am sliding fast down, it feels. At least somedays, until I hear an idol say SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH over and over again, not knowing what it means, but understanding it's bringing me joy, she keeps doing it. For me. For herself too. Just like any good, dutiful idol would do in this situation. 

In a few hours, I will wake up (if I even sleep), and have meetings with some major idols who I want to work with for Idol Underworld and possibly more, and then film a female Necroma fan who is incredibly beautiful and smart and very normal, but who enjoys cosplaying the shit out of gothic lolita costumes, and does it perfectly. She's pretty enough to be an idol, easily, but has no confidence in herself. That's interesting to me... for so many reasons you'll find out in the documentary when you get to hear her thoughts as to why this is the case. But yeah, we are going to check out Harajuku, one of her favorite places, and I will observe her in her daily life as she really is. I want all of you to see how life truly is here in the idol fantasy world. 

And in my world too. That's why I go on and on about everything and get pretty bare naked about what I'm feeling in these posts. I need somebody to talk to... because I ain't a coder and this isn't Mr. Robot, but YOU... if you're out there... come join the freak show that is my life and my daily thinking, and please know that I'm losing it, like, FOR REAL, and that's not me being silly... but I am DRIVING forward and I'm not stopping either, until I'm forced to stop by something unavoidable. 

I guess you all can thank HER for that... she broke me completely in two, and my life suddenly being uprooted thanks to a divorce and losing my child.... yet gaining so many more children via idols, all of who I treat like my daughters and who give me pure joy almost always (though some of them frustrate the living piss out of me, but that's a whole other story that I can't tell you. At least not now). But here I am... fringing it, trying to find a way back up the mudslide, without slipping farther down. 

It's nice to see you here, for a little while. If you've made it this far, I mean.  Please consider supporting me here if you like all of this rambling bullshit. And please, please support Merry Bad End since they are a small chika group that deserves your love and attention. All their stuff right now is on Idol Underworld, the site I made. So go buy some stuff of theirs okay? And please keep letting me know you're out there. It helps me. It really does. And most of all, just... just promise me all of you will continue to love those who are in your life... because you NEVER know when they aren't going to be there anymore. Life is fucking vicious like that... here, today, gone today, and memories of when betrayal and heartache weren't being used to subvert relationship expectations but rather... a relationship was simple, peaceful... important.

Not anymore. Not anymore.