A Lack of Faith

When it comes to God, there are two things I believe:

1. There IS a God. 

2. I am not that God.

I used to believe so much more about God, and Jesus, and all things religious. This time in my life every year, as a child, it was so special. Not just because it was Christmas time and all that goes with that holiday when you're a child (Ah... that one Christmas I got the Super Nintendo and Final Fantasy II!). No, I remember going to midnight Mass as a Catholic and just the... solemnity of it all. The sense of being transported by the chanting, the smell of incense, everybody around me dressed up, the red Poinsettas everywhere, the songs that made my heart soar. All of it spent with my cousin and his mother and father and little sister, people who I loved so much in my life and now are just faded memories in my past. 

Funny enough, I am part of a new religion now, I suppose. Idol has the same solemnity, the same kind of reverence for those onstage singing, and those around me dressed up, and sometimes there are flowers everywhere when we are celebrating a birthday, much like there are flowers to celebrate Christ and his birthday. I think the parallels are obvious ones to make so I'll stop there with such a boring reach to be creative. I promise you I'm not just saying this to say it... the thing is... I've really, really been feeling like I'm lost in the same way I was as a child when I attended the Midnight Mass. Lost in the awe and wonder of it all, and in the intense fear and sadness that it also brought me... for some reason. Maybe it was because even as a child, I saw the cracks in the Faith. The questions that seemed to have no answers that could be justified as actually being answers at all. And most of all, the sense that one day, my trust in what I believed would be shattered, and broken, and stampeded upon by those who mean to break my trust. And I would break their trust as well.

I think somewhere between being 14 and to my present day of living, I grew to not trust anyone. Not really, I mean. I do trust people, but usually only people I am really close with, like... physically, or emotionally. I come to expect things from them, and then when they inevitably break my trust (which they always do), I wonder if I was an idiot for trusting them in the first place? Or was it better to trust and experience something than not experience anything at all?

I think at the end of the day, I just don't give a fuck anymore. I really don't care, because for me, I operate now on this idea of passion and unleashing that sense of passion into whoever or whatever I'm into at that present moment, and when that passion gets used up, I'm on to the next person or thing or idea, and I throw myself into that, and repeat the process over and over again.

And so it is with idol. I am onto new passions, new projects, new things to enjoy and experience. That is both the best part about the idol scene and its worst trait... the transient nature of it all. Idols, staff, groups, fans... they all come and go. Very few stay. Those that do... I often wonder why they do, though admittedly, I don't want to leave anytime soon. I thought I did, briefly a few weeks back, but then I thought about what I'm doing and how I'm doing the best I can to help so many idols and so many fans, and I decided it would be better to stay and humbly serve people here in the best way that I can. I made some horrible mistakes, and I made some great things happen, especially this past year or so. But after all of this... I am still that kid that I was when I was 14... passionate, affected by those who are passionate, appreciating the solemn, and doubting the faithful. But always, always, always... looking to belong and be part of something amazing and creative and vital. Or something that gives me what I need, which I think is what everybody might be after... a sense of feeling loved, by somebody. Anybody.

Sorry to be so fucking cryptic. It's been a very rough few weeks. Rough in the sense that I've been so fucking busy and overwhelmed with the amount of work that has been laid at my feet. I thought things might get a little more easier not being tied to a weekly live schedule, but I'm actually now at more lives than I ever have been before, meeting new groups to work with, taking cheki of members that need their cheki stock re-upped at Idol Underworld, and so on. I also got not one but TWO invitations to join the staff of two Idol Groups! I am going to strongly consider one of them for sure, as I have become very close to their entire staff... each member of their team have really come to accept me and they know everything that has happened to me in my past and they really, really have been understanding of who I am and what I've done so far while here in Tokyo. I couldn't believe how accepting they have been of me. And along the way, I've been out drinking with some people who are not just working with chika idols but the gigantic idol groups in Japan... well, the BIGGEST idol group to ever grace Japan's lovely island shores. I literally have sat across the table at an Izakaya and drank with a man responsible for songs that are chart-toppers in Japan. And he treated me like an equal, though I am anything but an equal to this man. This guy even LINE messaged a BEYOND FAMOUS Japanese idol that was part of this Idol group I'm talking about and told her about me. She messaged him right back and hey... maybe we might work together?

I mean... on one hand, shit like this keeps happening to me now pretty regularly and it's fucking incredible. But on the other hand... I'm getting blown off by a lot of people and idols I didn't expect would blow me off. And that's been... difficult... to say the least... to understand. I mean, I fucking should understand this by now. People are always nice to your face and then shitty to you behind your back here in Japan. That is how everybody stays peaceful to each other and out of jail. And the idol industry, unfortunately, is no different than the rest of Japan with some of the ZURUI tendencies I see that grease the socio-economic wheels of everyday Tokyo society. That's just how it is, and as a foreigner, I can either learn to not be so direct and confrontational and be exactly the same as those around me, or try to somehow find my own way and not give a fuck. I usually am the latter, and because of that... yeah... it's not going so well for me with some groups. I've told a few groups exactly how I feel about them, or I will get on their case a little about their lack of response to me (and no, before you even think it, I'm not psychotic... I don't message people or groups like crazy... a few messages and then I back away)... and I think that might have hurt my relationships with them. Because that's something else I've come to see in Japan as a kind of truth you just have to accept here... when in Japan, you will be funneled down the path to being and acting and thinking just like the Japanese do. Whether you like it or not lol. 

This is nothing new though to foreigners who live in Japan for any extended period of time. I think I'm coming to realize this as I encounter the reality that I might actually be here until I die... I have to adapt, or I will die a lonely death here. So I've been trying a little more to do that, and it's going like I said above, kind of MA-MA... just sort of going. But it will get better, because one thing I've done my whole life is learn exactly what I need to do to get what I need and survive and then move on. I've had to be that way, growing up with an abusive step-father who replaced the father in my life that left me when I was just a little toddler. You have to find replacements for those who should be your primary givers of love in your life, and when you do... that is when shit gets difficult. Again... even in Japan... this has been true for me and my experience so far.

I think, going back to idol with all of this... that is why I need this culture so much to work for me and have me be part of it. I mean, if it doesn't work, I'll find a new culture to be passionate about. I already have, in some sense, as I've crossed over into another sub-culture that is even more fucking crazy than idol... but that's only a very recent development. I am not sure if that will pan out, but even if it doesn't, I'm good at moving into something else... I have always had to do that, and so I always will do that. Yet... idol has been the most happiest for me out of them all. Maybe the metal scene I was part of back in my 20's might have been the only other time I was THIS happy to be part of a community and culture. But sometimes I'm not so sure.

Like last night... I was at Merry Bad End's concert, watching them open up a show that had on it Zombie Powder, Emomomomo (spelling!), and HebichuGo... just fucking powerhouses, and yet they held their own so strongly. They had everybody filing in to check them out, had the crowd getting excited for what was to come, and they did such a fantastic job perfecting their two new songs they just did... yeah... it was fun to watch. I had brought two people there who had never experienced idol before... they were blown away by the whole underground vibe and spirit of the show. It was at Shinjuku Fate, which is Spark Speaker's home turf (though they weren't there last night), and if any of you have been to Fate, you know that place is smaller than a 1LDK apartment. So it's impossible to NOT get involved in what is happening. 

Zombie Powder proved that, as Kureha had EVERYBODY moving to the front of the stage, jumping, singing along, dancing, and unavoidably getting into the idol spirit. Kureha is a fucking beast onstage, so watching her in contrast to Yuka and Ami, the two new girls... it was just like wow... look at the mamma lionness with her babies! Yet all of the girls in Zombie Powder know how to put on a great show, and they had that whole place going out of their minds. 

I ended up helping Merry Bad End a few times with cheki, and met some of their more faithful fans. Nabe san, who is a Necroma faithful (and huge Necroma Rei Oishi) and also who is in my documentary, he was there, and we hugged it out and caught up. He was so kind to me. He did cheki with Merry Bad End and also it was fun to see Nabe be Nabe.... just this awesome dude who really loves idol. And then after this, I met with an idol producer who I will be working with a LOT next year when the group he manages and has created is set to come back in a gigantic fucking way. Me and him have been talking so much recently, and I expect to do a lot with this group. I'm going to be filming their new MV, plus doing a documentary on their comeback, and probably will be there on their comeback show to help them with cheki. The members are all exceptionally talented and the music is very important and has a super deep message... this group is going to take over 2020 in idol... you mark my fucking words. And this producer came to the show JUST to hang with me, which made me feel amazing, and loved, and appreciated. And I plan to show him that love and appreciation right back in everything I am going to do for him and the group in the months to come.

While I was hanging out at the show after it was over, talking with the people I brought along who were sooo wide-eyed, idols were walking around everywhere in Fate and promoting themselves and talking to everybody, including myself. I caught up with Minase from Emomomomo, who I always run into everywhere. We always take time to bullshit, and she's the best girl ever, as she treats my good friend Chris super well when they do cheki. Also, talked a LOT to Yuka from Zombie Powder, since she is still going through this whole "idol" thing and trying to make sense of it all. I took 20 cheki of her earlier that night, along with Ami, the other new member, and when I was talking to Yuka, I did get a sense that she is overwhelmed but working hard to overcome any difficulties she's facing. Onstage this evening, she owned it... and was confident, and you can see that confidence literally growing right in front of you on the stage in that gabillion dollar smile she's always sporting on her face. Seriously, the girl never stops smiling (though I DID get her to do one cheki frowning... which she immediately busted into a laugh right as I was done snapping the picture).

The merry bad end girls at this point have been around me so much that they are acting more how the Necroma girls had become with me... comfortable to a point, I suppose? I don't talk alot to them at shows, since they are working and I respect that space always for idols, but the other night, I did an interview with the whole group for my documentary, and after the interview, we talked a LOT. It was awesome to just break that ice and bullshit, and it was fun too. They are good girls, very independent, and I wasn't even going to do a group interview for my documentary with them, but Yuina and Honami have really come to impress me so much over the past month. At Chihiro's seitansai show, they were so powerful and overwhelming. Really giving it their all for their leader. And Chihiro was of course an emotional comet on the stage, hurling herself into every word, every song, every dance step. She cried when her fellow members read their letters of praise and support at the end of the set, and her solo set was just as emotional. The fans were supportive too, and the cheki line for her was not surprisingly very active and lengthy. 

After the show, I went and had dinner with some of Merry Bad End's top wota, who all talked about their chekis they got and the overall vibe of the live, as well as what they thought about idols and idol culture. They opened themselves up to me, and I am grateful they did, because I got it all on camera for my documentary. 

I mean... this is but a small snippet of what's been going on in my life the past few weeks. I had also hung out a whole day with Beni from Avandoned, but I haven't heard much from her or her staff since then, as I was hoping I could get permission to talk more about everything I experienced with her that whole day I filmed her. And at her birthday live too, with Avandoned... talk about crazy fun! And eye opening fun too, as Beni never, ever stopped working, rehearsing, taking care of everybody around her, and being the massive professional idol that she is, all at her tender age of just over the 20 age mark! 

You would think with this much going on, I wouldn't feel lonely, but yes, still have that empty hole in my personal life. I mean, it's sort of been filled recently by somebody, but even that has its complications for me. I've always been difficult when it comes to relationships though, and also... I have no time to be a proper boyfriend, I think. I am talking with somebody now who is also very busy and very much in her own world and doing her own thing, and we can only meet on special occasions, but you know what? The more I think about it, this is a perfect situation for me. I don't think it will last though, and not in a bad way or anything. Both of us are super cool with each other, and both of us are just helping each other overcome each other's lonely moments from being so over-worked in our daily lives, but I wonder if I should try for something more in 2020? I dunno. I dunno.

My visa situation, thankfully, seems to have been solved. I don't want say it is completely until it definitely is, but so far, so good. I seem to have fixed that very looming issue, and so I shall remain in Japan at least a little while longer.

My documentary is almost finished too. I've pretty much got all the footage I think I'm going to get for it. I'm still going to try next week for one final huge grab, and today too... I will be filming something VERY SPECIAL that I thought of and I think will really blow people the FUCK away when they see it. You know... saving the best for last. But my struggle has been two fold with this. First, I am trying to find the straight line through everything I have filmed... as in, what is the guidemap here? I don't have that yet. I am thinking maybe of doing narration and have me in the documentary, but only to serve as the guide for everybody. I think it might be more interesting to NOT have me in the documentary though, and more masterful to try and put it together in a more seamless fashion. Or have an idol narrate it. I wonder who though? 

The other issue is finding a video editor who I can afford and who can throw themselves into this project as passionately as I am going to do. I think I might have at least found somebody who is super competent at his craft and can get me at trailer done, to showcase what I'm doing so far. I want to put up the Kickstarter as well, and use that to help pay for everything. So I'm hoping for that to be a right choice for me to have picked this person. I'll know this weekend when we meet and go over all the footage I have, or at least stuff I think I can put in the trailer that would make sense to be in the trailer. I hope to hit the right pitch point for it... but... this is why I need a video editor, as I don't have that ability to do that. Not yet, anyway.

I think the documentary is going to come together probably how most things happen with me... in a mad, crazy rush. Like, it will all come crashing together. I just need to devote some serious time to it, which I will be doing as soon as I get caught up on orders for Idol Underworld and then figure out what I'm doing with continued work in the Idol Industry. I don't want to just do Idol Underworld but actually do stuff with groups, like work at the lives, and also do overseas tours with the groups. A vision that is beginning to form in my head is a light and dark tour in Europe... something like taking four or five groups from Idol Underworld that have a more... lighter, nicer sound to them, and have them do a weekend someplace, and then do the same with a darker selection of groups, and have it also be on a weekend. Or ideally, one weekend, with one day being light, and one day being dark. But to do that would require a massive staff, and piles of money that I just don't have at the moment.

But who knows? Maybe the documentary might capture the interest of some milionaire out there who wants to join the Idol world and sees my value and throws me into a big Olympic Sized swimming pool filled to the top with money! Ha! A boy can dream, can't he? 

First things first... Christmas is almost here. Just a quick reminder to all of you Patreon supporters that I really appreciate you so much. I have sent out all the chekis to those of you who are at the tier that is high enough to receive the chekis. Some of them I think I just combined with orders from Idol Underworld, as some of you are avid buyers there. But yeah, you'll be getting some chekis in the mail really soon! 

I also am working on the video for this month but I thought maybe I would wait to do something special for it. I've invested some of the funds I've made in Idol Underworld to actually create more of an office in my spare room here at the apartment. I have now lots of stands and counters, and Marlon, my assistant, kind of lives in there now and helps with orders and processes them all in the office space. So we have everything kind of organized in there, or getting there, I mean. Would you like to see that in the video? Or do you want something else? Let me know. I'm open to ideas, though I think I already have an idea what I want to release to all of you. Lets see what happens!

And yeah, I'm going to be giving an idol underworld update here too. Really soon. So stay tuned for that. I have done SO Much in the past few weeks that it's all kind of accumulated on me, so I'll have it all in place for you soon. Please continue to support Idol Underworld and also what I'm doing here at Patreon. The documentary is going to be really able to live and breathe based on what you can do to help me stay alive and not struggling here in Japan. My struggle now is uploading all the videos to the cloud, which is taking painfully forever to do, plus buying all the hard drives to put all the footage in, and praying they don't fail on me.

Of course, anything you can do to help me, please do. I'm also working on some photobooks coming up and much more, so I'll be in touch with all of you soon to talk about what's happening with this as well. I am hoping all of you are well and enjoying Christmas, if you celebrate it, or just getting into the holiday spirit. I love Christmas, as it's my favorite time of the year, and also this year I have Star Wars to kind of/sort of look forward to (I mean, the last two were fucking God awful, but I have to finish what I started with Star Wars, since that movie defined me as a young kid growing up). I am trying to find somebody to watch it with me here in Tokyo sometime next week. And also trying to find a way to not be alone on Christmas. I really don't want to be by myself.... and that, my friends, is the strange contradiction to the world I'm a part of... So many people I know and who know me, and yet so very, very, very few that actually REALLY know me, or are a part of my life in some kind of deeper, meaningful way, that they would keep me company and help me avoid my sense of loss and sadness that has been with me since summer and even before that... since I got here to Japan. But... that's getting better, I think, as I feel like whatever happens, happens. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. I am really going to just do what I want and what I need to do, and I will continue to pursue what's in my heart and what I'm passionate about. I hope some of you can be passionate about me and what I'm doing too and as always, continue to be here. I always enjoy hearing from you.

Happy holiday. Merry Christmas. And please stay safe and keep your loved ones very much loved.