There is a stop. And then there is a pause. Not sure which I'm in right now...

Hamidasystem's new album, Down, has been playing seriously nonstop for me these days. It's really the soundtrack to me going out of my fucking mind. These late nights are becoming slow exercises in mental stability. Like... I have so much to do, I am so overwhelmed by everything I've lost here, and I often stare off and get paralyzed in thinking about all the good times I had together with the person I deeply loved, and how those times are not there anymore. How I lost the one person in my life who I wasn't supposed to lose, and now I only see her sometimes, and it's always an uphill battle to even make that happen. How I am in dangerous waters with the idol world.... one wrong misstep, and BOOM! Game fucking over. I almost did that today... I was supposed to meet with a group to sign them but got a last minute warning from some people I trust to NOT meet with this group... their producer apparently is not somebody to fuck with. He has a bad reputation and is known as a scammer and somebody who will try to blackmail me if we work together. Usually, I don't listen to stuff like that about people... I take everybody at face value, but I was told that if I put this group on IU, some groups will leave IU that are there now. SO yeah... crisis averted, as I simply will not work with this group in question, but... it's like you have to be so careful about everything you do in this world. I mean, fucking EVERYTHING. And it's nerve racking because I am still learning the ropes, even after doing this for two years. I have learned that there is very little loyalty here in the idol world, which sucks, but that's okay. It's kind of how Japan is as a whole... whatever role you play, that is the role you play, until you don't play that role anymore. So if I am somebody's boyfriend, then I am their boyfriend, and if I stop being their boyfriend, then I am out of their lives and their mind and heart completely. I am simply dropped like I meant absolutely nothing, and possibly I could be moved into another role, as an "enemy," or somebody to use for only certain things moving forward in the future. It's literally the opposite of everything I know and believe in... but "shouganai," as the natives say here. 

That brings me back to Hamidasystem... their music has deeply affected me. I'm excited to see them next week and take more cheki of their members and talk with them a little. They are intriguing to me. Truly. But something is touching me very deeply about their music. It's like... the soundtrack to my loneliness here in Tokyo. And you know, I've been trying to find somebody to replace who I lost, but do you know how hard that really is? First, it's finding somebody who can accept my impossible situation here in Japan. Assuming I DO find somebody that is open-minded enough to do that, the person has to look a certain way for me to truly like them. I am very specific about what I'm after, and that also presents a problem because I tend to attract people who do not fit what I'm looking for even in the least. And that's assuming I attract anyone at all here... I have no occasion to meet people here in Tokyo. Dating apps don't really work. I am not on Tinder and have no plans to go that route, simply because I don't think I have the time to sit and swipe endlessly and receive very little for my efforts when I do. I dunno though... I was staying off Tinder because I work with idols and don't want to give their producers or friends or even idols the wrong idea about why I would be on Tinder in the first place... but apparently, Tinder here in Japan isn't used for just hookups. But at the same time, I am not sure I'm really after a relationship either? Somebody to keep my bed warm at night with me... that would be nice. But I'm not necessarily looking for one night stands or just hookups either... because that will probably just make me feel even more emptier. Does that make sense?

Anyway, the biggest issue I have is not even this aching loneliness that is getting to me, or the fact that I can't see Miichan like I need to, but more the fact that I'm stuck now with the documentary. I have no idea how to proceed with it... like... I do, but I don't. I have SO much footage and putting it all together in a coherent way... I'm overwhelmed right now. So the past three days I've been getting stuck in memories and thinking about the past and wondering how the hell am I going to move forward and make this all work. I know it will come... it always does for me... that moment of action when shit gets going in the right direction for me, but... I always have to go through this kind of paralysis before that happens. And I hate it. I feel like I'm just wasting away, all this time, and not going after what I should be going after with all my heart. 

And then there's this recent problem I'm having... no sleep is taking a huge toll on my body. I am starting to feel really sick. The other night, I went over to the Merry Bad End producer's studio. I was asked by their producer to help him with coming up with English lyrics for their next song. I ended up doing song composition with him as well, and we worked for like four hours nonstop on re-arranging the song the way I felt it should be re-arranged (all credit to him for trusting me with my zany ideas about song composition, but god Damn does the song pop now!), and also working out the english lyrics together. Then we sat and listened to a bunch of songs we like from groups we love. The whole time, I felt sick, like I was going to fall over, but I couldn't show that. I had to stay strong. I was really excited and happy being creative, but then I got on the train and felt like I couldn't stand up. That's never happened to me before. I mean, I tend to get sick once a year, but this doesn't feel like that... it's something different. Like I'm run down, maybe? I dunno. 

I did get some good news about possibly working with a famous idol who alot of foreign fans want me to work with... she contacted me and we exchanged LINE id and talked a bit... so we are meeting soon to go over working together. I am looking forward to that but... yeah... like, I NEED to get this documentary done so I can focus on my novels and getting THOSE done and then whatever is next in store for me. 

So many things. So little time. But I will do it all. I have to do it all. I just have to figure it out. 

Please if you can, understand that I'm writing all of this to really just let out my feelings. I hope that is okay. I have to keep these things protected through Patreon, but... it gets hard some nights when I'm talking to myself in an empty, lonely apartment here in Tokyo and I'm having conversations with the person I lost and wishing that maybe, just one time, she'd answer me back. But we'll probably never talk again to each other, and that's been really hard lately to accept. I lost so many people last year. People I truly care about and would even die for. 

And now... it's just me.

Please don't feel the need to leave a comment for this post. It's random, and just another late night mental vomit session. I will leave all of you with a positive note: Today I will interview XTEEN for an italian blog that I'm working with... that will be super fun. I also am meeting the brand new members of Satanic Punish for the very first time today. That, too, should be a great time. And then tonight, my plan is to upload a bunch of new products and restock items on IU and also a brand new idol I began to work with. So gotta stay positive for this!