⛥September Q&A⛥

It's tea and answering your questions time! You know, only my favorite time in the world. Thank you for submitting all your incredible questions - this time I have to make some alterations to them and skip a couple to give you the skimmed and socially acceptable version of my answers. I'm sorry, I know you're curious about various things regarding my private life. But I've come to learn that I cannot trust every person on this site which is an absolute shame and it's my responsibility to protect myself by avoiding opening up about things that my enemies could use against me. I will still answer honestly and accurately but reserve the right to be vague about sensitive information.  I hope this solution works for you because it's the best I can do at the moment. 

 
How long have you been living alone?  A wonderfully lonesome 6 years. 

Where in America are you moving and why?  Missouri, because Jack is there. 

Do you like movies -- which ones? I like the idea of movies......... I also happen to be ridiculously hard to impress. About 95% of all movies Jack and I watch, we don't even end up finishing because I get bored or frustrated. Jack likes to tease me a little by saying that if it isn't horror or SciFi, I'm not interested. I don't like drama - had more than my fair share of that in real life. I don't like slow movies with a dragged out build-up. Some of my favorites included the Divergent series, Zombieland, Now You See Me, Don't Breathe, John Wick and I'm sure some others I can't remember right now. They have to be fast paced, funny, captivating and keep me on my toes. Not necessarily all these at once, but at least a couple. Thrillers are usually the ones that keep my attention the longest. What I'm really upset about is the dumpster fire that is the haunted house/object sub-genre. I am so curious about and fascinated by the paranormal but the execution of those movies just never lives up to the potential of the story. I imagine that's how my mother must feel about me. 

Do cosmic patrons get some sort of crystal thing? Yes, Cosmic tier patrons get an enchanted necklace as part of their reward. I beg your patience on this one because I'm so behind on so many of them. When I decided to put this up as a reward, I didn't think so many people would be interested in getting one. I'm so ashamed but so honored at the same time lol. I put my absolute all into these rewards just as I do for my videos so it may take me a long time, but I will make sure everyone who signed up will get theirs. These are custom made so if I haven't approached you about it yet, feel free to approach me. I've committed to finishing as many reward packages as possible before my flight and start a new batch while I'm there. It makes me so happy that so many of you want my magic in your lives and I just want to make sure it's the highest quality it can be. 

You say you don't really like Korean pop music but do you like Japanese music? Not if it's pop music. There are some Japanese alt-rock songs that really vibe with me but the mainstream stuff just annoys me the same in any language. 

Is Jack in a band? Ha, no. Don't be fooled. I know he looks like a classic rock god with the sculpted face and the to-die-for long black hair... but he's not musically inclined. 

Why did you delete your Vlog channel? Lots of reasons. But mostly because it was too much. Every once in a while I find myself in a rut and just have to cut out my biggest stressors so I can breathe again. Let me tell you a little bit about my lifestyle back then. I had lots of free time and nothing to do. Vlogging my days was how I entertained myself. I still can't explain the fascination I had with video creation. Maybe it was because I could tell my story how I wanted it to be heard instead of the massive judgement I was met with from everyone in life (for being a young person on disability). In my vlogs, I could share my perspective for a change. I could be listened to. I could express what's in my head. It was a wonderful change of scenery from constantly feeling like a victim to everyone's judgements and my voice being ignored, denied and dismissed. It was all fun and dandy until I decided to open up too much. But I wanted to continue doing the only thing that temporarily gave me purpose and direction in life because what else was I supposed to do? I wasn't anywhere near stable enough for the job market, my only friend lived on the other side of the country and the person I was with was too spineless to make time for me. So vlogging became this all-consuming thing to the point where I was filming and editing videos nonstop. I did have a bunch of side channels including this ASMR channel where I was also posting. I pretty much had a channel for every genre of YouTube videos you can imagine. My stress levels were unbelievable. Whenever anything happened that caused me to have to delay uploads, I lost it. I had imposed these arbitrary expectations onto myself and honestly took myself for granted for everything I did. I didn't have to film and upload, but the alternative was to be alone with myself and with how fragile my mind was at the time, I just couldn't. I didn't realize I was overloading myself all this time because I was chronically overloaded to begin with. I had internalized what everyone told me - that I was lazy ungrateful scum if I didn't work myself to absolute exhaustion 100% of the time. Then I hit a wall. Some things changed for me ... and I realized I didn't want to be doing this to myself. I couldn't keep going and something had to give. So I deleted everything except for the ASMR channel. Can't remember if I had my Patreon by that time or not, but I left this one channel alone with my income in mind because I had met someone wonderful I've been building a life with for nearly 3 years. I figured one channel would be enough to keep myself busy but I didn't have to do a billion things at the same time. Since then I've been focusing on healing and creating art. Thank you for this question. It just really puts into perspective how far I've come, even though you weren't there with me for most of it. 

Would you happen to have any advice in to one who is trying to find oneself, My actions for the past few years have been flowing with what life throws within my path and with that has made me lose sight and desensitized any other aspirations and with that to what capacity shall I conceive to instill the feeling of discovering youthful exuberance as I once have. ... I assume you're asking how to feel alive again? I'd say spend a lot of time with yourself. Make time to just be alone and really be with yourself - we can be alone but neglect ourselves at the same time, indulging in distractions and forgetting how to feel as we go through the motions. I hear meditation helps a lot of people, but I personally like to just sit in the dark, focus inward, see what's going on inside me, discover my emotions and pay attention to issues I may have ignored. Also connecting with the Earth and spending time in nature is very healing and refreshing. Whatever it takes to ground yourself and be present with yourself. Work on establishing a relationship with yourself and once you're attuned to your emotions and your inner life, start to act on impulses. It would surprise you how many impulses we have that we are just used to ignoring because we had more important things to do. But you can do things just because you can! It doesn't have to serve a purpose. The breath of fresh air you seek lies in the things that don't seem to lead anywhere. It's called "fun" and is incredibly undervalued in this day and age. I know what it's like to be in a rut and we just have to reorient ourselves from where we are. The more experiences you can engage in "just for fun", the more your spirit that's been denied life can come back into your body and show you the way. 

To what direction would you want your channel to be headed towards? Good question - I don't have a picture in my head I can try to paint for you... All I can tell you is that I want to create from the inside out. I don't get much done when I'm motivated by competition and if I do, I usually hate my creation. I want my videos to contain my heart and soul and for that I have to make sure my soul has a chance to come into my body. In general, I want to create breathtakingly beautiful videos. That's always been my passion. To capture something that is so sublime you can't tell if it's from this world or not. My videos have always had a silver lining of experiences I wished I could have and I think that will continue throughout. There are three distinct styles I really like: Magic inspired by nature, hard-ass dystopian future and spa soundscapes. We will see what captures my attention in the future. As of now, I give too much of myself for every single video to be less than discerning about what is worth my time. 

Do you go in for Lovecraftian horror at all, or do you stick mostly with more contemporary stuff (like sparkly vampires)?  I'm not that well versed in horror sub-genres so I have a vague guess based on a 4 minute video explaining what Lovecraftian horror even is. But I can tell you I have never seen the sparkly vampires (legit can't remember what it was called!) and I'm not interested in- oh! Twilight! Took you long enough, brain. Yeah I don't really care. It just has to be unique and captivating.  

What are some of the things you're not looking forward to dealing with (short-term or long-term) once you've moved to the US? Green card test... All the paperwork... Taxes... avoiding Jack's family... getting my IUD replaced...

If you watch Monty Python/Blackadder/Fawlty Towers, what's your favorite scene or skit? I don't and it's not my type of humor. 

How are you today? I'm good considering, and I'm saying that because the past week has been a nightmare in terms of stress and sleep-deprivation. My sleep schedule is way off and now I'm back to rolling with the punches and trying to make as much time for myself as possible.

How did you do the swirling colour and light dots effects in the Down by the River video? Free stock video!  

What's the weirdest/creepiest/funniest message you ever got via DMs, letter, Tweet,...? I don't wanna put anyone on the spot but I get so many weird and creepy messages. Probably the funniest are when people ask me inappropriate things and then apologize for what they said. At least they have some degree of self-awareness! The ones that make me the most uncomfortable are people constantly bugging me to check the DM's. Nothing I want is ever in those DM's they want me to respond to. Most of the time it's nothing more than a half-assed "hey" or "hi". So engaging much wow. But it's really creepy how persistent some people are when I consistently show no interest. 

If you could change one thing, either about a person or about the world in general, what would you like to change? I would bless every human being on Earth with good common sense and respect so I never have to read stupid comments under my videos again. 

Would you like to know the day you will die? I don't care. Death walks with me holding my hand every day anyway so I don't think it would matter if I knew when I'll die. 

That's it for today and I just changed my mind and decided I want to go to bed rather than stay up to go to the crystal shop. Maybe I'll feel like it later. I'm serious about making honoring myself a priority so I'm gonna curl up for a while. Thank you for all your awesome questions again, I hope they've been answered to your satisfaction. If they haven't or if I misunderstood a question feel free to ask me again in the next post. I hope you have a wonderful day folks. Good night