PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Should We Ignore Our Biology And Not Focus On A Women's Appearance When Choosing A Partner?

Why should we accept that women like a masculine man who has his shit together and then on the other hand we should shame a man for giving a lot of importance to what they are hardwired to care about? I find this position a bit hypocritical. I tend to agree with many of your opinion but this time I don't. It's ok if you don't have the best looking woman in the world. But you should absolutely see something in her appearance that you love. I would even go as far as saying that a man's will find a woman more physically beautiful if he likes her personality. So if you think she's a great person on paper but you cannot find beauty in her, then she's not a good match. There has to be a reason that a man is able to see that a woman is nothing special for others, but still think she is the most beautiful for him.

Very attractive women have life served to them on a silver platter.. whereas average looking women, like average men, are pressured to build their character and appeal through personality. It’s just a fact to me that an average looking girl will be more interesting and enjoyable than a princess. I always keep this in mind.

Oliver

If she's gained a significant amount of weight, how do you let her know where she stands? I'm willing so say what needs to be said if I'm 100% sure it will work, but at the same time I'm empathetic.

The weight thing touches on something I've experienced recently. Around 8 months ago I met a girl who I thought was extremely attractive, very fit, with a seemingly compatible personality. I hadn't seen her until about 2 weeks ago and we have been inseparable, she's still very pretty and I was right about us being compatible. Although she is great she actually did gain around 50-60 pounds in those 8 or so months we hadn't seen each other. I'm very much into fitness and self improvement so I'm sure her spending time with me will motivate her in general but is there a really efficient way to help someone get into the self improvement mindset? Or should I just be myself and not try to push her in any way.

See, I think you use "fun-size" appropriately. Candy bar companies, on the other hand, say "fun-size" and they mean "small". :-P

Blair

Great video Alex, solid ideological consistency

Kaia

Women want their partners to be attracted to them. If a man does not have a minimum base line attraction to her, she will sense it. And that in and of itself can erode the relationship. I’ve seen it where 1) the woman becomes a full out jealous psycho and passive aggressive manipulator, 2) she intentionally widens the attraction gap by becoming even more unattractive, or 3) she loses herself to depression and makes herself small and pathetic in personality. I don’t think it makes sense to waste your life and hers if your level of attraction isn’t enough to last a night or two- even if she’s a great gal personality wise. Friendship in a LTR is important - but without attraction, you are just friends. Sure there may come a point when your bodies are too old for the physical act of sex, but you can see with older couples, where you know that baseline attraction existed, which when coupled with years of love - results in a very specific way of looking at each other.

100% agreed. One incident in particular hammered this home with me. Almost 30 years ago, I became extremely infatuated with a girl, with whom I had amazingly strong chemistry (she introduced me to philosophy, which is now one of my main interests in life). 25 years later, she found me on Facebook and reached out, and ultimately came out to visit me. I was very curious about how I would feel about her, particularly as to whether our chemistry was actually as strong as I remembered it to be (because in the intervening years I found such chemistry hard to find). And wouldn't you know it, it was as strong as I'd thought! But the problem is that she'd gotten old and, while not ugly, I didn't find her sexually attractive in the slightest bit. And it made things very awkward. After that, I made no bones about the fact that I needed a pretty girl to be in a relationship with (otherwise, they're only suitable as friends).

William Mullen

I agree with everything you are saying in this video, but I'm pretty sure that the data shows that men aren't very picky about the physical appearance of women. I also believe the evidence shows that women are very critical of men's appearance.

Ken Schafer

I think you're not quite right on one detail Alex. My fascination is large breasts no matter if they hang a little - a pair you can drown in, you know. If she has those, I really don't care much about her beauty or if she's chubby, as long as her body still has feminine shapes. One time I had a girlfriend without big breasts, and I couldn't stand watching her friends who had large ones. The thought of never again fooling around with a fun-sized pair made me sad. So I think that when we want to appreciate a beautiful body, we also want to have it in our hands and feel it.

I have been with a woman who was not attractive but who I had incredible chemistry with. It worked for 14 years but being out in public sucked because most of the women I saw on the street were more attractive than her and that always caused a feeling of dissatisfaction. Now I am together with a solid 6+ and for me as a man it is now much easier to see other girls as most of them are not as attractive as my girlfriend and it is easy to pass them. When I see an attractive girl with a nice ass I can think that my girl also has a nice ass and it's easy to move on and not think about how I might be missing out. For me looks are incredibly important to feel satisfied in a relationship.

David Koerner

Also... My scale for whether a woman is attractive enough for me lies in two numbers: 0 - not interested 1 - interested This way, if I get into a relationship, the woman never has to guess whether I am committed because I don’t have a middle ground. I’m either all in or not and will let her know where she stands. Just a theory but, it has helped me so far.

Kyle Worden

My three values are honesty, compassion, and self-awareness. As long as she meets those standards and treats me well, I want to date her right off the bat. I think your larger point is right. Beauty fades so, you have to find out what’s important to you in the relationship and then try to date that. Even then, most gorgeous women I have met seem to lack empathy and compassion towards their partners. There was one in one of my friend groups in college who was open about her side hustle (she was an escort). She was pretty beautiful too so, it made sense. One day she mentioned that when she opened up about her work to her boyfriend-at-the-moment, he took offense to it and became very upset. She commented, “Why can’t he just learn to be cool with it?” It was obvious for me to see why he would be upset but, she lacked the self awareness to understand what she was saying, she lacked the empathy to place herself in someone else’s shoes, and didn’t have the honesty required to bring the issue up earlier in the relationship. Needless to say, her response was what made me evaluate what I am looking for in a long term partner. Beauty fades, values persist.

Kyle Worden

Once she's above your set threshold for looks, you can look beyond looks! But I feel that the threshold is important and can be calibrated based on many things.

Ashwin Srinivas

I do have a daughter btw, and since I chose her mother well, she's quite aesthetically blessed. But even if she weren't, I'd point out to her that all one needs to do to be attractive in our society is be skinny and fit, which is entirely within her control. I'm also allergic to fat girls, as I don't see how they could possibly be high value if they can't take care of their body.

William Mullen

I think one's subjective attractiveness scale (1-10) should be calibrated such that a 6 is attractive enough to entertain consideration of a relationship. With this in mind, I'd give any 6+ a shot, if I felt some chemistry. However, if I'm being honest, it's very difficult for non-aesthetic attributes to make up the difference if the aesthetics are lacking, given that there are statistically a number of 9s out there with whom I'd have equivalent chemistry. You're essentially advising men her to "settle". And this is good advice, in the sense that a man should always be at least one notch above the woman on the 1-10 SMV scale, to satisfy her hypergamous instincts. However, I think it's NOT good advise in the sense of settling for more than that 1 notch. What's the point of maximizing one's value if you're not going to use it to secure a partner of appropriately high value in return? Better for a man to take his time, optimize his own value, then do the legwork of dating and filtering to secure that high value female that he's basically earned the right to be in a relationship with (via his own actualization). Also, it seems to me that not choosing a pretty girl of appropriate SMV to your own has negative consequences. Both in the long-term, in the sense that your offspring are of inferior genetic quality (I'm sorry, but you're way off-base in downplaying the value of looks and its halo effect, which are actually and obviously of immense benefit to any person, and which anyone would confer upon their children if they could do so), but also in the short term in that it directly impacts your social value. You acknowledge but downplay this, I think. A high value man with an ugly woman invites speculation in regards to his self-image, committment to excellence in all areas of his life, social skills, et al. Why would a high value man subject himself to this? Because of strong chemistry with the ugly woman? But similar chemistry can be found in a prettier girl... if you do the work. Which touches upon why I'm basically disappointed with the tenor of this video. It strikes me as a roundabout way of excusing men from having to do the work of becoming a high-value man. Because it doesn't make any sense to me to settle for an ugly woman other than by necessity, i.e. a consequence of being low-value yourself, either unable to acquire a pretty girl or unwilling to exercise the patience and discipline to do so. I don't really like to play that game, and consider it enabling. As such, I don't hesitate to judge a man negatively for it, and frankly expect the same in return.

William Mullen

Super Video … yes depending on the stage you are at in life, the focus does change from just anything to the best physical to a more holistic perspective. That being said some guys like curves, others gazelle types; legs, ass, boobs, hair, face or some a combo of that. But, most women do put on the pounds. Main thing, is to look at the Mom and Aunts – because that is what you will be getting from a physical perspective more or less, safe to bet. - Cheers

K M