PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Young Woman Stressed By Her Boyfriend's Emotions

As a woman I agree I really want to see a calm conversation between men rights activists and feminist's rights.

I couldn't help but crack up when She said Alexander has a british accent. Great video.

The problem for men is that those caveats are A) Unspoken and B) Ever changing. These two factor guarantee that you will be wrong 90% of the time. Welcome the gender relations, boys! The burden of performance is ALWAYS on men, never on women.

Kent C Johnson

1:18 Exactly. Feminists often do not want discussion of equals. On reddit some of the most popular feminist subreddits do not allow commenting or downvoting to members who are not vetted. Even when vetted if you post anything contrary to their direction you will get permanent ban from subreddit. It is remarkable how intolerant they are to discussion. Go check for yourself, maybe worth separate video.

I agree that I have only heard women say 'love but not in love with'. And everything you said after that described my life! Did my husband call you? LOL!

Jennifer Coopman

*sigh* ... This part of the dialogue frustrates the fuck out of me. In Psych 101, it is taught that it's nature AND nurture, not OR.

When women say that they want a man who is in touch with his emotions, men need to understand that that statement comes with unspoken caveats. Those caveats are obvious to women but not to men. Women want men to be emotional but not weak. Also, many women really mean that they want a man who is in touch with her emotions, not his. If a man expresses feelings that don't validate her feelings, that will not go over well. So guys, tread lightly; you are walking in an emotional minefield.

Ken Schafer

@ Jennifer Coopman I compliment you for your self-reflection. I suspect you are right that the reason for the emotional display makes a difference. An emotional display not centered on you could be a boon to a relationship as a matter of two human beings connecting as two human beings, as Alexander points out. Even so, while you give examples where you were supportive, I persist with the particular diagnostic of sexual attraction; whether a woman's attraction to that man at that moment is as attraction to another human or as to that man as a male. I suspect the former and that sexual attraction is genuinely interrupted. Hopefully, the interruption is just a blip on the screen and the benefit of his humanity coming out outweighs any temporary loss of male frame (Alexander's position). However, I think too much of an interruption or too many interruptions loses her attraction for him as a male and he becomes just a nice human being who she "loves but is not in love with" (an expression normally only uttered by women?). That is to say, a great relationship with an eventual dead bedroom. In one scenario, for instance, he might become the classic "nice father of her children who she can't understand her lack of attraction for and whom she cheated on, yet still wants back". How women's attraction lapses is a sad fascination for me. On a side note, I chafed a little when it was expressed in the video that men's attraction was more shallow. I said to myself "at least it's consistent". As a male, it would be nice to experience that level of consistency. I'm not sure I'm all that crazy about my "whole character" being judged by isolated fleeting moments any more than women are about being objectified.

Todd McDaniels

@Jennifer Coopman, "I could be quite comforting to them, as long as the emotion wasn't about me." That's a really interesting insight and it aligns well with what I have seen from a male perspective.

+Alisha31, I know your question was directed to Todd, but I'll put in a third-party male testimonial anyway. If a GF was crying regardless of whether it's softly or hysterically, I'd instantly be 100% in "comforter" mode and my libido ("fucker" mode) would drop to zero. Then I'd try to get her to cheer up and change her mood/emotions to something positive. If her emotions/mood go from sad to neutral, I feel like I'm in comforter-fucker limbo. But once her emotions turn positive and she smiles (stereotype of smiling woman) I'll want to get emotionally intimate with her, have giggly fun, get physically intimate, fuck her senseless, then get emotionally intimate again. Personally, I wouldn't want a GF to fuck me if I was sad or in depressed state. I would just want her to give me a hug, do something to maintain our emotional connection (relationships have to be maintained and this is one way to do it), and then talk through the issue.

Hey that is very interesting what you said but could you answer honestly (I swear I won't judge I am just genuinely curious). Would you want to fuck a girlfriend who was crying? Would it depend on how hysterical it was? Thank you if you do answer xxx

Alisha

Todd, I found your explanation interesting and when you talked about feminine frame, it reminded me of all the times Alexander has said 'women don't want to mother their boyfriends.'  But I wonder if the reason for the emotional display makes a difference? I ask because this video made me reflect on all the times men showed me emotion or were vulnerable in front of me. And I noticed something strange (strange to me, anyway): I was not turned off by their display of emotion, in fact I could be quite comforting to them, as long as the emotion wasn't about me. For example, one guy's childhood dog died and he cried and I was the perfect nurturing partner. Same guy putting on a jealous pout because I said I admired someone who happened to be a man, and I was totally dismissive of him. The one who cried when he admitted he was in love with me, I felt awkward that he was crying, even though it was a positive emotion. But the bf who cried because he was flunking out of college, I was empathetic and supportive. I think it's interesting that, even if I loved a guy, I was still uncomfortable with his display of emotion, good or bad, if that emotion centered around me. I don't recall doing that on purpose; I didn't even notice it until now. And I can't explain why that would determine whether or not I would 'mother' him.  Here I thought I was being a good feminist by always parroting that 'it's ok for men to show emotion', and now I see I didn't even really like it when in a certain context.

Jennifer Coopman

Concerning the biology versus nurture question, I like how Alexander addresses it. I would just add that XX and XY chromosomes are far older than any cultural construct. This is fairly important in the public discourse, because it is a common thing in feminist blogs and such to reject biological explanations of male and female gender differences in favor of Postmodernism, which rejects science.

Todd McDaniels

I don't know. Even when putting a minor depression in a masculine frame, I can't imagine a gf wanting to have sex with him right then and there at that moment. And for a guy that could be very therapeutic! I do think a gf would think highly of a bf who wants to deal with an emotional problem, but as a friend and "nice guy", not with her embracing her feminine girlfriend frame. That's the critical distinction to me. If resolved in a couple days, okay, the male-female polarity may reset, but I don't think emotions from a man (other than confidence and levity) do anything positive in the moment they are expressed. And I do think that sexual arousal is a proper diagnostic.

Todd McDaniels

It’s good that she reached out with questions about her interpretation of your comments instead of letting a misunderstanding negatively affect her mindset. Taking the initiative to communicate will serve her in good stead in her relationship.

That's not a bad idea. Maybe something to pursue in the future thanks for that. I did send the author of this email a link to the video and I try and do that for all of them. Hopefully she finds it useful

Alexander Grace

Spot on, about the intention behind the display of emotion, I found that part of the video really clear and valuable.

I'm curious as to how you respond to these women and men who write to you when you do a case study of sorts. Do you reply to them via email and/or share thes videos with them? Also, posting these repsonses to women who write to you on YouTube might be a good idea to increase female viewership. They'll see it as an opportunity to get free consultation! XD

Ashwin Srinivas

I loved this video, I understand where she is coming from but personally I never got from your videos that you were referring to all women. I guess I just assume that when someone is discussing biological reasons for behaviour that not all people are completely ruled by their biological impulses. Your depression explanation is spot on though, it isn't even about the emotion it is about the intention behind that display of emotion. If someone is genuinely just upset and needing to cry then fair enough but if it is some emotionally manipulative (unconsciously) way to make me do everything for someone then I would rather someone just asked me directly. Tbh I actually treat emotions the same with all genders and wouldn't want to enter a friendship with someone who was frantically crying and acting unstable at the start. However, if a long term friend is crying then of course I want to support them because I love them.

Alisha