PATREON EXCLUSIVE: Can You Date Women With Trust Issues?

I dated a girl online that had emotional trauma from her past relationship, that her previous ex stalked her really badly and it traumatized her, so when I suspected her to be lying to me I snooped around about what she was doing and that impacted her greatly, she was deeply concerned because she thought that I was different and that's when my relationship fell apart, me and her never had a problem with each other until that happened, and I was so worried that I might've done a horrible thing and she ended up breaking up with me because she stopped trusting me. It is too late now, this incident happened exactly a month ago and I really liked her and wanted to be with her, but I realized that she needs to seek help for that trauma and there is nothing I can really do now, I even tried to get back with her but she refused, even told me she never wants to hear from me again after I contacted her 2 weeks after we separated. She said she liked me a lot and that she wanted to be with me, but I triggered her past trauma and it went downhill from there.

Lmao^^^ @ me being an angry 🤡

Exactly what happened to me. This had drained my energy for 6 years. I went to a relationship with little relevant knowledge. A lot of my base info was outdated traditional values. Women with little bit of issues can hide it for a very long time. Pregnancy and childbirth and caring for infants can explode the pre existing issues a 1000 times. Even when a woman is working on herself she can fold completely and revert to default behavior after significant or traumatic events like miscarriage. On the upside a man can get a full reigns on the co-dependent woman and take full charge to an extent of a dominatrix kind of relationship. I'm not a big fan of these things. But there is utility in everything, I suppose. In the end of the day it is a drain and a liability of sitting on a potential time bomb. And if things do go wrong, the separation process can be a messy disaster. A healthy approach would be a mutual understanding and support to build the trust and relationship together. Which empties a great deal of development on man's part. He basically will need to become a therapist in a way. I've learned a lot in my experience. Unfortunately she didn't want to continue to heal and went back to old ways. But the knowledge and experience I've got is proving valuable throughout my life. Even on the day to day basis it changed my perspective on dealing with "difficult" people. Most helpful it was in dating over the past couple years. Especially with most recent girlfriend whom I've been seeing past 7 months.

I mean although this is a long comment I feel like more info about this girl is needed. You mention she hasn't been in a relationship for 8 years but there could be many possible answers. She has maybe been sleeping around or not been having sex at all and either way maybe she likes you too much to sleep with you. She is too insecure to get naked. When you are with her and you are cuddling does she still seem genuinely interested but then pulls away? Who is initiating the meetups? Maybe she likes you a lot but can sense that you have not been wowed by her physically and that has hit her esteem, now she wants validation from you, but doesn't actually want sex. Maybe she sensee the fact you were not into her physically and that really hurt her feelings and she thinks that any move you make on her is just you having the "I'm a horny guy who can't get anyone else so you will do the job" mentality. Tbh there are so many things it could be xxx

Alisha

Hello, everybody. This is my first post, it's great to be here. I want to share a story which involves an unusual attraction with a strange girl, which spans over a couple of years. To make a long story short, i met this girl 5 years ago. So, we've known each-other for quite some time and, when we met, she was quite interested in me, but i turned her down. Back then i was not physically attracted to her. However, "we clicked very well" together, in fact i really considered giving her a shot but, in the end, my superficiality and peer pressure got to me, and i went for some better looking women than her. In fact, she actually witnessed me flirting with other, more attractive girls (common friends of ours) and once she even started a fight with one of the girls i was hitting on. Time passed, and, somehow, we kept in touch. We also got more mature, and we've gotten to know each-other a little better. We always felt we had a lot in common, and since January 2021 we actually started talking more and more and, since 2 months ago, we started hanging out. At the beginning, i used to behave awkwardly, as i was still finding her not up to my beauty standards, but, somehow, she realized that, and started improving her looks. She did not perform any miracles, just some things with her hair, and she bought nicer fitting clothes. That seemed to get me going. By getting to know her better, i started seeing her best side and, with each date, i liked her more and more. So, we continued seeing each-other once every two weeks in a... platonic and not-that-platonic way. All plain and boring so far. So, here comes the interesting part: what seemed a bit weird to me, was the fact that it was always *her* that would initiate physical contact, by cuddling up into my arms or getting real close. She was always the one to get a bit physical, hold hands, hug and rest her head on my shoulder / chest / lap. It was as she would try to tell me something, but not with words. At first i kind of did not like this, as i was still not very attracted to her, but, with time passing and our souls connecting, i actually started to like her. I never pushed her away when she cuddled up to me, but, after 4-5 dates, when i actually tried to take things a bit further she would pull away and start making weird talk, making fun of our interaction, calling me an "over cuddly boy", "kitten like", etc... TBH, this kinda pissed me off. I held my frame and made fun of her too, but, each time we would see each-other she kept doing her thing again and again. When i was the one asking her out she would always use some form of sarcasm to call out the fact that i like to cuddle too much. It felt to me she was a bit of a cock teaser and, against me really liking her, in the end i decided not to ask her out anymore and to reject any subsequent invitations. And that's what i did... She would, somehow, keep in touch with short messages and selfies; i also replied, but nothing meaningful. After a couple of weeks, she unexpectedly invited me to her place - actually cooked me dinner, and we spent yet another lovely evening together cuddling, having philosophical talks, and watching indie movies. No sex, though, not even kissing (we never kissed or had sex) and, when the movie ended, i really wanted to have a talk with her. So, i went ahead with the "big no-no" and asked her what her intentions were with me. She panicked and started blaming it on me (by calling me "insane" and over interpretive), she told me i was rushing things, but she did not friendzone me, though. I calmed her down, told her i was ok whatever the outcome, and did my best to explain that i was not rushing: i was just curious where our interaction was supposed to be going. I literally told her she gave me mixed signals and that i did not understand her. I told her she was a new experience for me, and i wanted to make the best of our interaction. After a short while, she admitted that her behavior was also questioned by other guys in the past, and that she knew she had an issue when it came to her "cuddling". She told me she has not been in a relationship for 8 years, and she did not plan to start one now, and that she was not actually flirting / coming on to me when she asked me out. That seemed a bit odd, as the sheer fact of improving her looks while we went out would suggest otherwise. I told her i'm ok with whetever..., and we agreed to leave my question unanswered. When i pulled her back into my arms, she did not pull away. I tried to take some pressure off and kept her in my arms for some time, and she thanked me. Then i decided i would call it a night, and went home. As we hugged some more on the way out, i could feel she was still tense. The next day, she started sending me selfies again, and we kinda' resumed flirting as if nothing had happened. However, i'm still puzzled by her actions. One part of me suggests she might have issues and to pursue other girls, the other is more and more attracted to her, as i'm beginning to like her. One can tell she's insecure, but i did my best to take things slow with her and build up comfort... my question is: what did i do wrong? For those who have the time, here's a bit about myself: i'm 36 and i've always been the picky type. I am quite aware of my own faults: i'm your average guy - not ugly, but not exactly a Chad type. My success with women has always been moderate - i've had my share of girls, but what always bothered me was that most of them were the "lower quality" types - they tend to be either gorgeous and full of red flags, either with a fascinating character but not that physically attractive. With few exceptions, i've also had issues with first dates: especially with escalation and building up sexual tension. It's as though i have a fear of "getting too close too quick" and, as a consequence, some girls told me i initiate physical contact either "too late", or, in rarer cases, "too early". Because of this, i cannot say i've had that many one night stands (only 3-4). After initiation, though, things usually work out fine. I admit of sometimes having trouble reading the body language when it comes to kissing (yes, laugh it up, i'm ok with it), but this was never a dealbreaker for me. My other problem is that i'm a demanding person; i usually go for girls that are 8 and up physically, and i also demand a certain intellectual level - i simply cannot date a girl i have nothing to talk about; it's really boring for me, and it's one of the factors that makes it difficult for me to get close to someone. Still, at some point i had the standards set too high and got a lot of rejections; that's how i got into self-improvement - to get better quality women and make more meaningful connections - i'm actually thinking of settling down. Thanks so much for reading this, i'm really hoping for some good advice.

A friend of mine dated a somewhat BPD Girl. Once she saw him chatting via Facebook chat with another girl he knew for a while and who was just a friend (first occurrence she witnessed him just talking to another female) she started screaming uncontrollably and ran out of the flat. He and the other two roommates were shocked and confused. She wasn't approachable for days. Just to mention one of her weird behaviors. Despite her being blessed with winning the genetic lottery, he said dating her wasn't worth the trouble.

Thomas Ochsenfarth

My soon-to-be-ex wife suffered neglect in early childhood AND was abandoned by her first husband who ended up marrying his mistress. I thought I could be a white knight and help her get over her past traumas. Our marriage did work fairly well, for the first seven years or so. But she became contemptuous of me and my family. She started setting impossible expectations for us. Nothing we did could satisfy her. She claimed to have high emotional intelligence. But I came to realize that despite being an adept social chameleon, she lacked true empathy and was completely incapable of introspection. Counseling did not work. After almost a year of separation, I have no regrets about leaving. I continue to support our teenage kids emotionally and financially, as much as possible. It's rough for them, but they get it. Hopefully when they look for a partner, they will know to avoid the red flags that I overlooked.

I have a family member with a mental illness on the more extreme side. And I just wanted to share that to help and make progress it's a very messy and painstaking thing. It can really wear you down. So just as a message to everybody please don't try to tackle it by yourself, have a realistic view of the problem . 1 because sometimes trying to help in a superficial Manner and then leaving can make things worse. 2 it's a lot of work. These problems dont go away in a couple weeks or months.. gradual improvement over the years.. if you want to assist make sure the person is also getting external mental health support.

Ali Nassar

Personally, I’d advise any guy friends I have that it isn’t worth the risk - at least, not if they are looking for a long term relationship. My step brother’s biological mother is bipolar. She went to therapy and took her meds…. until she didn’t. Then the cycle would repeat. That cycle destroyed her marriage with my step dad. It led to extreme abuse and trauma for my step brother. And, it led to trauma for my mother and our family because the woman would stalk and physically attack my mom when she was off her meds. With bipolar disorder it’s a huge risk because even someone who has intentions for therapy and medication- over the long term- that may change and any “slip” can have some super serious ramifications. As for other trust issues, I see this with my sister in-law. She divorced her first husband (after having three kids with him) because he started abusing drugs and alcohol- then her and the kids. He eventually overdosed on heroin after the divorce. She did end up remarrying, however, she has severe trust issues about alcohol and we’ve heard they have gotten into some huge fights for him just doing the absolutely normal thing like going out for drinks with the guys and coming home a little tipsy. My husband and I have tried to get her to think rationally about it - and she is aware of it and tries - but when a woman is in the moment with her emotions - especially if she is also in protective mode because of her children - it will be really really hard to get her think from the rational perspective of what is normal behavior for the guy. Her second marriage right now is…. rocky.

No. Really. Women expect men to be issue free near the perfect fully formed beings, substantially outmatching her own capabilities, with each flaw or slip making enough pretext to break it up. Having mentally healthy women is a bare minimum standart in comparison.

Ignas

Any sort of "issues" people have must be treated with therapy ASAP. You must go fix yourself so that the rest of the world does not have to suffer you. The world does not owe you any understanding nor can you expect your singificant other to be your therapist because, as AG said, this non-reciprocal nature of the help that is sought is not conducive to be met in a romantic relationship. And why would you not want to go to a trained professional?? (cost aside). This being said, I would say that it is not a good idea to date a woman with trust issues and especially if she is not willing to go to therapy to fix it. Of course, I'm just maing this statement because of the title of the video, it obviously goes the other way too. Guys are not exempt from carrying around issues that could plague any sort of relationship. "Making a man in your present pay for your past equals no future" - Kevin M***fing Samuels!! \m/ (0v0) \m/

Ashwin Srinivas