Some personal news

Hey folks, K here. This is going to be a very personal post, but you’ll quickly see where it’s going.

My first real job after college involved managing volunteers. One of them was a little older than me, and we had a lot in common. Lots of interests, and a similar disposition, and we got along well. I left that job, but we stayed connected on Facebook.

Then one night about ten years ago, that volunteer posted an update, coming out as trans and telling her story. Reading it, I started crying and couldn’t stop.

When I finally put myself back together, I was so scared and confused that I put it behind me and ran. I threw obstacles into that feeling’s path by drinking and overworking myself (two things I was very, very good at at the time). It was how I existed most days, just trying to skip time.

This has happened a few other times, but that story sticks out. I lost track of her and I regret that. But if I could find her, I’d tell her what I’m about to tell you:

I’m trans too.

My story is like so many others. I always knew something about me was different, always kind of suspected what it was, and was always sure self-actualization was for other people, not me. I was never sure that what I was feeling was dysphoria, or if the thoughts I having were unusual for a cis person. Even though I would never judge anyone else for being trans, when it came to myself, I looked for any possible alternative because I was different and didn’t deserve it.

Why would I be the special exception? Because the road was hard and I was weak? Because the “rules” of society apply only to me, and not to anyone else? What a delusional, egotistical way to live. I’m done with it. I’m through with hiding.

One of the great privileges of my work and our community is that people have discovered their own transness and felt safe coming to us with it, mentioning that something we made facilitated their understanding. Each of these conversations with newly-out people was a wonderful gift, to know I was involved somehow in something so meaningful. In honesty, there was also sadness because it felt like I was stuck, and worse, it was my own doing.

Like many trans people who get started late, I spend a lot of time feeling terrible grief over the time I lost to obliviousness, fear, and self-hatred. And that’s why I’m telling you this now, because I don’t want to lose any more time if I can help it.

I stopped denying myself in the summer of 2023. I started therapy later that year. I got on hormones in June of 2024. I planned on coming out earlier, but the US election destroyed me. I just recently came out to my family, and the reception was… mixed. And now it’s your turn, along with the rest of the world.

If you’re taking the time to read this, I’m probably not worried about losing you. We’ve managed to chase away a lot of the chuds. But I am worried about how internet randos, my family, and (of course) the government will treat me. Some days that fear is overwhelming, but I know that sitting still at a dead end is not an option. I would never go back on my transition. It’s done wonders for me. Maybe you can tell.

What you need to know is that my name is Kaye (pronounced Kay, but I want that E in there). My pronouns are she/her. Please do your best to observe those, though I know habit is hard to break. I’ll be changing my presentation and changing my voice, which I know will be an adjustment for everyone. Please be patient with me, I’m in unexplored territory.

There are still some episodes in the hopper, to come out after I make this announcement, where we use my deadname and old pronouns. That’s just the way she goes. And given the nature of my work, it will be impossible to completely expunge my boy era from the internet, which is going to have to be okay. It’ll take me forever to change my name over on every show description and site. Such is life!

I want to thank Gary and Gwen and my other friends at the network who have been so supportive and understanding as I’ve worked through this. It’s the privilege of a lifetime to, know, work with, and rely on such wonderful people.

So there we go. No more hiding, no more paranoia. All my life has been building up to this. And as difficult as it’s been to get started, I’m so happy to get going.

“Hey now, don’t forget that change will save you.” - “Überlin” by R.E.M.

“What God doesn’t give to you, you have to go and get for yourself.” - “Bamboo Bones” by Against Me!