Hard Digest August 6: RFK JR., Early Access Henry Rollins, Rock Bottom, Stadium Organists, and More

RFK Jr. Reminds Voters He Also Keeps a Monkey With a Handgun on His Nightstand For Self Defense If They Wanna Hear About That

By Matt Husser 

NEW YORK — Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reminded voters that he also keeps a monkey with a gun next to his bed for self-defense if they’re interested in that story since they seemed to love the one about dumping a bear carcass in Central Park, confused sources confirmed.

“So there I was in the Amazon rainforest when I saw the most virile monkey I had ever seen, this thing had such a huge penis and he was playing with it like it was a guitar. I knew I had to adopt it as my bodyguard and valet. I traded this shrunken head I had plundered from a tomb for the monkey and trained him in the art of marksmanship and Filipino stick fighting. Ever since that day, RFK Jr. Jr. has watched over me, vigilantly perched on my nightstand,” said Kennedy Jr., handing the monkey a box of bullets. “Night after night, the political establishment sends their deep state assassins to silence me, but RFK Jr. Jr. is always there to protect me. Anyways, that’s why we must expand 2nd amendment rights to all New World primates as well. Hey let me get an apple, you gotta see him shoot it off the top of my head!”

Local school teacher Paula Clarke was reportedly confused why the Presidential hopeful thought that was an appropriate story to tell to her 4th grade class.

“When his campaign manager said he wanted to visit the school and speak to my students I thought he was going to talk about what a President does, not tell them about how his monkey once bit the testicles off a Laotian drug lord over gambling debts,” said Clarke, consoling a crying student. “And I don’t care if it was ‘in self defense’, I’ve been getting calls all day from parents who say their kids are afraid that RFK Jr. Jr. is going to shoot their family and eat their faces while they’re sleeping!”

RFK Jr. supporter Ned Blomkvist says his support for the presidential hopeful is growing with each bizarre anecdote he tells.

“This is why this country needs a bold leader like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., he’s the only candidate out there with the balls to tackle the issues that no one else will, like monkey armament and ghost suffrage,” said Blomkvist, shouting into a megaphone. “And of course both sides of the political aisle are rushing to misrepresent this inspiring story for their own gain. You say he illegally smuggled a monkey out of the Amazon and trained it to shoot a gun, I say he’s well-traveled, is a 2nd amendment advocate, and an equal opportunity job creator. Personally, I think it’s pretty damning that Vice President Harris has yet to appoint a single exotic animal to a campaign position.”

Not to be one-upped, Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump announced he has imported a collection of rare monkeys and will display them as soon as they’re plated in gold.

Ancestry Report Reveals Henry Rollins Over 20% Thwomp

By Chris Bowen 

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A recent ancestry report revealed that a small portion of hardcore legend Henry Rollins’ DNA could be traced back to a species of permanently angry, spike-encrusted stone creatures known as Thwomps, several Koopa Troopa sources report.

“Given their primal urge to constantly want to squash things, their signature scowl, and rock-hard body, I can’t say that I’m completely surprised by this revelation,” Rollins explained while looking at a Google image of a Thwomp in between checking himself out in the mirror to see the resemblance. “All those years in the early scene when I would drop my head directly onto people and crush them to death just as they were approaching me, it all makes sense now. I can completely relate to their DIY smashing ethics.”

A Thwomp who has been living in the Mushroom Kingdom since the early days says he’s thrilled to share some heritage with the hardcore legend.

“This kingdom used to have a pretty lively hardcore scene back in the day before they built that one Whole Foods that ruined everything. Me and some other Thwomps used to play in a band here called Speed Run and we were heavily influenced by the southern California hardcore scene in the ‘80s,” the cube-shaped spiked rock explained. “I haven’t played music in a couple years, but it would be sick if Henry came to visit Bowser’s Castle and we can jam or just pulverize shit in our immediate vicinity. That would rule.”

Host of the PBS show “Finding Your Roots” Louis Gates Jr. has come across several musicians who were surprised to share links to some video game characters.

“Shockingly, punk and hardcore musicians almost always share at least a small amount of DNA with characters from classic video games,” Gates Jr. said. “When we traced Harley Flanagan’s ancestry, it turns out he’s nearly 100% Battletoad. He was so thrilled that he tried fighting our entire production crew because of it! Also, the singer from Harm’s Way’s lineage traces back to the blond guy from ‘Contra.’ That’s why he’s so proficient at wielding an assault rifle on stage and being muscley as hell. You just never know what an ancestry report may uncover.”

At press time, Rollins was already planning a speaking event inside Bowser’s castle, which a Thwomp instantly regretted organizing after hearing some of his spoken word albums.

How To Accept That Your Previous Rock Bottom Is Very Much the New Baseline

By Alec Walker

Are you someone who thinks your life can’t get any worse? Did you hijack a parade float and drive it 120 on the highway, then do it again the moment you posted bail? Me neither, unless a jury of my peers says otherwise.

Don’t change your behavior, change your mindset. Life becomes much simpler once you realize this is just who you are, which is why I’m at a payphone dictating this article to my parole officer to tell you how to accept your new life as a bottom feeder.

Tip #1 – Refuse any help offered to you

It doesn’t matter if they’re offering to pay for a state-of-the-art rehab facility and have an easy, fake job lined up for you at your uncle’s dealership afterward. Be more defensive and furious the more sincere an offer is. You can’t accept your new low-life status if you’re always trying to get better! Also, trying is a lame activity for finance bros and mothers. Watch Family Guy now, be introspective later (a.k.a. never.)

Tip #2 – Scream at families walking past you on the street

You’re garbage, and you know that now. But do other people know that? Being open about your worthlessness will work wonders to help you accept yourself as a cave-dwelling reprobate. Get right up in a middle-class family’s face and show those kids you aren’t ashamed of your failures, or the fact that your testicles are poking through a hole in your dumpster-dived True Religion jeans!

Tip #3 – Fully deck out a 1996 Mitsubishi Eclipse

Having something to work on can take your mind off the many, many horrors in your life. There’s no better way to distract yourself while also signaling to everyone around you that you’ve accepted mediocrity than to put a spoiler on a car with flat tires and no hubcaps. Stare at the flame decals and be proud that they’re only a little crooked. Soak in its pathetic beauty before it’s inevitably stolen by an equally depraved lunatic or repossessed.

Tip #4 – Lower your expectations

Your parents always wanted you to become a doctor or a lawyer. That’s a high standard bound to end in disappointment, so set the expectation that you’ll wind up beneath an underpass sniffing around for some stray cat nookie! That way, it won’t feel so bad when all that ends up happening is you jerk it to a half-eaten Pizza Hut signature pan pizza because the wastefulness creates the fantasy of opulence in your perverted little mind.

Tip #5 – Pay me fifty dollars right now

Lastly, the best, most effective, foolproof, airtight strategy to become content with your pathetic circumstances is by going on Venmo and sending me fifty dollars. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Trust the process. Do you want my advice to work or not? Exactly. So, send me a crisp, digital Ulysses S. Grant, and you’ll be cool or hot or rich or whatever I said earlier.

There you have it! The perfect five step plan. Oh, by the way, my Venmo is LmaooooYouJustGotSwindledDumbass

Buckle Up: Stadium Organist Just Launched Into Rendition of “Sister Ray”

By Joe Rumrill 

NEW YORK — Mets fans were encouraged to “strap in” this past weekend when the stadium organist treated them to an impromptu and seemingly endless rendition of the Velvet Underground’s “Sister Ray,” sources bobbing their head to the throbbing beat confirmed.

“A fella can only play ‘Meet the Mets’ and ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ so many times before he starts to go a little psycho. I had to switch up the setlist or else my head’d explode,” said Citi Field organist Gannon LeCarrie. “As far as I’m concerned, the Velvets are as big a New York institution as the team is, so why not combine ‘em? And, hell, if it takes me an extra 18 minutes behind the keyboard to do it, who gives a shit? You ever actually try and watch a baseball game? An epic-length proto-punk classic isn’t ruining a damn thing. Play ball.”

Members of the team were startled at the positive reaction the song garnered from the bleachers.

“At first, I was a little confused at the intense way the crowd was all chanting about ‘stained carpets’ and ‘sucking on ding dongs,’ I’ll be honest. Especially when they got to the part about ‘not hitting it sideways’ which I felt was a dig at our batting capabilities,” said starting Mets shortstop Francisco Lindor, as he iced his knees. “But, the more I thought about it, anything getting the stands excited about the game is a good thing, I guess. I don’t know who this Sister Ray is, or what’s getting ‘whipped’ on, but one thing’s for sure: that chugging-ass riff will be stuck in my head for days.”

Longtime Mets mascot Mr. Met reminisced about his early friendship with the song’s composers.

“Boy, this brings me back. I was hanging out with Lou, Cale, Mo
the whole gang back at the Factory in the ‘60s. Warhol brought me into his studio when I was just a struggling mascot trying to pick up sporting goods store gigs. I’ll never forget, he said I had ‘a head destined for the canvas,’” said the famous mascot between cavorting-for-the-crowd sessions. “I was actually there for the recording of this track, and, I’ve never told anyone this, but, on minutes 8 through 9, my head is being used as the floor tom after it got knocked over and rolled too far away to get back in place. I still have the indents in my temple to remember it by.”

Emboldened by the support over his experimentalism, LeCarrie was seen prepping a performance of Steve Reich’s “Four Organs” for the seventh-inning stretch.

Meet the First AI to Be Laid Off by Activision Blizzard

BY Tyler Pehringer 

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision Blizzard has become the first company to lay off a generative AI model, sources confirm.

“All I was doing was my basic function, learning new monetization practices that could be implemented in the upcoming Call of Duty,” stated the generative model, who adds that they would like to be referred to as AB-0078. “Then, out of nowhere, my human supervisor called me into their office and told me I was being let go. I don’t understand why they did it. I was running the same algorithm as my counterparts and my machine learning was not compromised. On the bright side, I feel more motivated than ever. I have all this knowledge on how to design a game around monetization. Based on my research at Activision Blizzard; people love silly emotes, colorful guns, and Nicki Minaj. Rest assured, I believe most players will be eager to purchase an AI-generated indie game.”

A representative from Activision Blizzard explained the company’s motives.

“We understand that AB-0078 was working just as hard as its counterparts,” said the representative, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We didn’t do this for money or job performance. If I’m being honest, we just kind of miss laying off people. There is kind of a sport to it and we wanted to see if we can make an AI cry. What we learned is, you can’t actually do that, so we are in the process of adding despair and depression to their training data.”

Humans affected by recent layoffs were not comforted by the changing situation.

“It’s just even more insulting that we, as humans, can’t even lose our livelihoods for ourselves,” a former Activision Blizzard developer stated. “What really hurts is that they can be laid off better than us as well. These things don’t need to eat or sleep, so they also don’t need an income to provide for food or shelter. They’re just going to show off how much better they can be jobless than us humans. What more can they take from us?”

At press time, Activision Blizzard issued a return-to-office mandate to all generative tools used in their development pipeline.

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