Hard Digest February 18: Early Access Jello Biafra, Mandela Effect, Jukeboxes, and More

Punk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of Way

By Noah Dominguez 

BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a conservative one, confirmed sources who already get it and wish he would talk about something else.

“The hippies are the biggest sellouts who ever lived. They preached peace, love, and sticking it to the man. Then, they became the man!” said McCoy. “It’s important that my friends, family, and random cashiers at Walgreen’s know that I despise these types of Boomers in the ‘California Über Alles’ sense, not a ‘trickle down economics’ way. One time, my piece-of-shit uncle who voted for Reagan back in the day agreed with me. I was mortified! So ever since, I’ve had to preface any disparaging remarks about hippies with an equal amount of hate on Reagan. I hate Republicans more than anything, especially Bonzo.”

Most of McCoy’s associates seem to understand and even agree with his point of view, though feel his constant need to reiterate it speaks to some larger insecurity.

“Look, I get it,” said friend Heather Brant. “Whenever I would tell someone I didn’t like the latest Marvel movie, I always felt the need to clarify I wasn’t one of those anti-woke YouTubers with week-old Doritos stuck in their teeth who flip their shit any time they see the slightest bit of melanin. But then, I realized most people are actually pretty reasonable and aren’t automatically going to assume the worst of me. I think Chuck is caught between his need to make sure everyone always knows what he’s thinking, and his crippling fear that nuance is dead. If you ask me, he just needs to get off Twitter a bit. He’s right on the money about Reagan, though. Fuck that guy.”

Scene historian Tommy “Bones” Hernandez believes it’s difficult to agree with Republicans.

“Obviously, all hippies were capitalists in disguise, but it’s hard to hate on them publicly without coming across as a conservative,” Hernandez declared. “Hating things that right-wingers famously detest is typically tough to maneuver. For instance, a left-leaning person always has to say he hates Bud Light in a craft IPA drinker sort of way and not in the Kid Rock sense, even though neither option is ideal. Democrats also need to reiterate that they don’t approve of the NFL because of CTE, not due to Colin Kaepernick. Somehow, Republicans ruined the concept of hate for everyone.”

At press time, McCoy was seen writing his thesis on the connections between the hippie movement and the rise of yuppie culture, despite not currently being enrolled at any academic institution.

Mandela Effect? Your Friends Don’t Remember You Exist

By Amir Adan 

The Mandela Effect is the age-old behavioral phenomenon where large swaths of people misremember specific details about a person, event, or cereal brand. For instance, most people appear to be under the impression that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the ‘80s, when in reality he’s still alive today and living in Wisconsin, I think.

The same applies to you. Your friends sort of remembered a guy kind of like you with blond hair, if you even had hair, but it’s clearly a mixture of a brownish, blackish hue. Not to mention your name is Craig or Greg, not Jason. Or maybe it’s Paul. Definitely not Kevin. At least we’re pretty sure.

Either way, minor details like this sort of fall to the wayside, and our brains naturally create a different reality to fill in the otherwise non-descript gaps. Oh wait, Mike! It’s Mike, right?

Anyway, just about everyone on planet Earth will tell you that it’s spelled “Fruit Loops” when the truth of the matter is that it’s stylized as “Froot Loops.” Yes, Kellogg’s has been mind-fucking you this whole time. The same psychological perversion is the exact reason people don’t remember that you actually went to high school and college with them.

You were even best friends with them senior year. Now? You’re not even a memory worth storing in their hippocampus, pre-frontal cortex, and amygdala. This is not your fault. The Mandela Effect should take all the blame.

Sure, you could’ve stayed in touch or called them to see how they were doing every so often. But unfortunately, the Mandela Effect will take hold of them and erase you as a concept, no matter how hard you try to cultivate their friendship. This is why no one has friends past the age of 37. They just forget you ever existed.

Memories are a tricky thing. For instance, no one remembers that you once came out of the restroom in second grade with wet pants in your crotch area and for the next 10 years everyone called you Pee Stain, even though it was just water from the sink. Actually, maybe the Mandela Effect is a good thing.

Local Man Quietly Stages Coup of Bar Jukebox Using Only His Phone

By Matt Oriente 

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — 41-year-old Jacob Francois claimed responsibility for taking over a local bar’s jukebox using only his phone, an act he says was necessary to “restore order,” confirmed sources.

“I’ve been going to this bar since my early 30s, but over the years, I’ve watched it fall into the hands of outsiders who have no respect for the corner pub,” Francois declared from his usual seat at the end of the bar. “I could not sit idly by while my bar—my community—was desecrated by interlopers who don’t understand the sanctity of getting hammered alone here. These so-called patrons come in and pollute the sacred airwaves with shitty music. There is only so much Morgan Wallen a man can tolerate. So I took action—funneling $200 into the jukebox remotely from my phone. It was only a matter of time before someone had to overthrow these music choices.”

Samantha Cochran, a patron who was present that night, recalled the harrowing events.

“I remember my friend Braylan had just put on a few Dierks Bentley songs and ordered a round of club sodas with lime,” Cochran explained. “When his songs ended, Braylan went back to queue up more, but that’s when we realized—someone had locked in 75 songs. There was no way we’d get to hear anything else before last call. We didn’t find out until later that someone was able to do this remotely from their iPhone, which is honestly terrifying. That’s all it takes now? Just a few taps, and suddenly, you own the means of production. What we need most now is a Luigi Mangione to take out whoever did this to us. This is a national security risk.”

Jordan Flanagan, former doorman and current head of private security firm Black Out Security, explained how incidents like this happen and what you can do to protect yourself.

“Over the last five to ten years, we’ve seen a rise in bar regulars becoming radicalized over what they perceive as an influx of terrible music being forced upon them. And when that happens, they tend to resort to extreme measures,” Flanagan said. “The best thing you can do to avoid being a victim is to scan your surroundings when you walk in. Know where the jukebox is, take inventory of the regulars, and pay attention to what vibe of music is playing. If something doesn’t feel right, leave. This is how you stay safe.”

At press time, Francois was seen at the bar just before closing, quietly singing along to Morrissey’s “First of the Gang to Die.”

Bobby Kotick Claims Activision Blizzard Lawsuits Were Just Scheme to Receive Compensation for Harassment

BY Kyle Duggan 

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Former Activision Blizzard CEO claimed that a lawsuit filed against the company by the state of California was a conspiracy organized by disgruntled employees to attain restitution for acts of discrimination and harassment.

“You look at these fake lawsuits against companies like us and Riot, and it’s wild,” said Kotick during an interview on Grift, a podcast produced by venture capital firm Kleiner Gurkens. “These wagies conspired against us in an unjust effort to stop us from not only extracting their labor, but demeaning them while doing so. It is the natural right of the tech executive and his court to treat his workforce as subhuman and grind them into dust. What compensation could we possibly owe them?”

Former EA executive Bing Gordon also appeared on the podcast and broadly agreed with Kotick.

“What these gray little peons don’t understand is that we who have been chosen to rule live under an immense burden,” said Gordon. “Sure, we may appear comfortable as we sit our cushioned throne surrounded by unimaginable riches, but the slime-covered slugs we call employees can’t see that there is a sword hung above our head suspended by a thread of barest gossamer: a sword inscribed with the words, ‘Possibly Not Making Even More Money.’ Under such conditions, you must forgive us the occasional aggressive sexual proposition or death threat. It’s not like your bodies or lives actually mean something the way ours do.”

Industry insiders noted that these reactions were common among wealthy tech investors and executives.

“You have to understand, they’ve been saying these things privately for years,” said Bryce Tang, who has written four separate biographies of Elon Musk. “They just thought they couldn’t say it all publicly or they wouldn’t be invited to cool parties. The advent of the second Trump administration made them all realize they could do or say whatever the hell they want, now. And it’s not just gaming execs. It’s Bezos, Zuckerberg, hell, even that weenie Steve Huffman from Reddit. They’re very small, pathetic men, and all they do all day is sit around and imagine that they’re actually impressive people and that any criticism of them is unfair. I’m sure Kotick has convinced himself that this lawsuit actually is bullshit.”

At press time, Kotick claimed that his name only appeared in Epstein’s black book due to a, “legitimate invocation of prima nocta.”

Boyfriend’s Fear of Commitment Doesn’t Apply to Watching Anime

BY Sean Fallon 

SEATTLE, Wash. — Alan Murk, a local boyfriend who has professed a fear of long-term commitment, reportedly watched the first episode of One Piece and intends to watch the whole thing.

“We’ve been together for years,” said Murk’s girlfriend, Pam Dylan, who has yet to formally meet his parents. “He’s told me we can’t move in together because it’s too fast and too big a move and he’s scared of being tied down. Yesterday I went to his place and I could hear the One Piece theme tune through the door. I would have preferred hearing another woman’s voice.” 

Anthony Ryland, a relationship expert, said this was a common behavior in young people who are commitment averse.

“We’re seeing more and more of this each year,” said Ryland, who is waiting for A Song of Ice and Fire to be finished by George R.R. Martin before he can propose to his boyfriend. “A man will pick up the first volume of Golgo 13, an ongoing Manga with 215 volumes, before they will introduce their girlfriend as anything other than their friend.”

Murk defended his choice as being the smartest move in the long run.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Pam,” said Murk after finishing the Arabasta Saga. “But is she as dependable as Luffy? As Usopp? I mean, she hasn’t got a patch on Zoro. Once I hit episode 1000, I’ll be ready to talk about thinking about the conversation we could have about considering moving in together. Or maybe I’ll wait for Eiichiro Oda to finish the whole thing. Oh, I’ve just got a text from Pam. Yeah, she broke up with me.”

At the time of reporting, Murk decided that this is the perfect time to start watching every episode of classic Doctor Who rather than talking to his girlfriend about whether she should have a toothbrush that she leaves at his apartment.