Metal Monday Tomorrow :)

Hi Friends, I just shared these thoughts I wrote this morning on FB and IG, and I wanted to share it here on Patreon too directly with you guys.   I hope you're all having a great weekend, and Happy July 4 weekend to those that celebrate it! :)

Sunday Morning Thoughts:

I’m sure everyone has gone through anxiety and depression in the past months - I was fighting with all my willpower to not feel down and focus on productivity, especially because of my struggle with depression. I know it’s not a fun thing to talk about and I’ve avoided any posts about the manic mood swings that I’ve had all my life out of embarrassment and always wanting to present a strong, organized front.

Over the years, I had one-off visits with therapists but always never returned as I was still fighting my need to control everything and found every excuse as to why each therapist didn’t know what they were talking about, how the sessions were a waste of money, and how I could just deal with it myself. A few months ago, I finally started to work with a therapist on a weekly basis online and it has helped so much just to have a neutral party to express my thoughts and feelings to with nonjudgmental reflection.

Despite the conscious work I’ve done, I still couldn’t hold off the sudden wall that hit this past week- first starting with frustration over work related things (chasing unpaid invoices, daily endless emails asking for my participation in projects and online concerts, stress over re-organizing my live show personnel, feeling exhausted from what feels like an endless list of growing things to do) and then feeling that dreaded “what is the point of all this?” after 4 months of the routine at home. Normally, the constant barrage of things energizes me but when I get into these moods, everything that is usually fun becomes stressful and overwhelming.

The home quarantine isn’t fully to blame as I have always had sudden onslaughts of anxiety/depression no matter my life circumstance, but I do find that being in a Groundhog Day energy does lead to feelings of boredom and pointlessness.

The last 2 days, after forcing myself to work despite feeling angrier and angrier, I finally let go and allowed myself to just stop. I ugly cried, ate literally 6 donuts a day, entire pan pizzas, stayed in bed watching TV- and answered a few emails/messages and made social media posts like everything was great from bed.

I always thought that once I became “successful,” practiced daily gratitude, found my soulmate, etc. I wouldn’t struggle with manic episodes anymore - but that just isn’t true.

Today, I woke up at 10AM, and finally felt enough willpower to get out of bed, put on my face, film a video for an upcoming brand partner post, and now I will focus on editing and submitting that video for approval, record cello for the Holiday album, and practice for tomorrow’s Metal Monday morning livestream. I’m grateful for the positive of struggling with wild mood swings and controlling my extreme emotions (from euphoria to depression) as I feel like it does express itself in my music and art and to have an outlet in that way I will never take for granted.

I hope you’re all having a great weekend, and see you tomorrow for Metal Monday on YT at 10AM!  https://youtu.be/59ZwVdIpesM

It feels silly to think of playing my Pokémon medley when I’m in this mood, but sometimes you just have to fake it to make it- and I’m certain I’ll be back to my usual hyper positive self soon!

Thank you guys, for your support and encouragement- it really means so much every time you write a message or leave a comment- and I appreciate you connecting with me here.

Hugs and Love and Happy Sunday,

Tina