new song - "bad ecstasy (demo)"

most songs i post here are some kind of early version, but if they're released later most of the major elements stay p much the same aside from some polish and mix changes etc - i don't really "demo" songs since im kinda just adding chunks to a core idea and moving the chunks around and tweaking the hue/saturation of the chunks until it feels like a complete piece. this song is p obviously a demo to me though - the vocals are all scratch takes, which i never really do, and the instrumental is painted in pretty broad and simple strokes. i wrote this song in july (basically just trying to rip off danny l harle "1UL") and then early this month i bought a cheap usb mic and rented a rehearsal room to track vocals in and found out the hard way that i still cant scream at all, loll. i'm sure some of it was tension from recording in an unfamiliar space since i don't have a place of my own yet, but i havent been able to scream and make it sound good since i left in the middle of may - if u were at my show on may 31 u probably noticed (not that i'm ever a particularly good live vocalist, tbh). i can still sing just fine tho, so i think its probably some weird stress response from everything that's been going on. i've developed a lot of those, some of them p outlandish, so i guess not being able to sound brutal on a track isnt that surprising haha.

anyway, this song is about a few different things, some of which im just kind of tentatively starting to explore in my head and that i dont really wanna talk about plainly in my lyrics yet. needless to say shit has been crazy and ive been extremely sick as a result of it (not illness sick but weird full-body stress sick). dont know if this song will make the cut for my next album or not since ive got 30something songs from the past couple years that i need to whittle down to 10-15 tracks, and it's only on the more recent songs i feel i'm really hitting on lyrical subjects that actually mean something to me. if i do use this one i'll probably rework it heavily, but i thought this extremely busted demo was kind of a cool curiosity either way. hope you're all doing ok <3 thanks for listening.

lyrics:

now that ive lost my mind for good
i see whats laid before me
its shining like i never could
when i did not adore me

childish reverie
never ever leave me
helpless in love
with a version of me innocent and free

something changes and i feel nothing
and the emptiness is eating everything

now that ive broken all my world
i see what lies beyond it
an open wound or open road
what i forgot i wanted

childish reverie
never ever leave me
helpless in love
with a version of me innocent and free

i still see it
i cant feel it
i still see it
i cant feel it

i still see it
i cant feel it
it's everything beautiful receding
i still see it
i cant feel it
it's everything beautiful receding

suddenly nothing could ever matter
all the hope i felt could only shatter
tension blooming into bottomless fear
i know i shouldn't be here

the innocence i had then
vanished, broken, dead
my gentleness crushed by what felt like love
oh, never again

terrible ecstasy
erroring inside me
helpless to need to leave
i just wanted someone to see me