UNKILLABLE ANGEL c-side "MISERY HUNGER"

i wrote this song in late 2022 struggling to find a new direction after UGLY DEATH came out earlier that year. i was on the weird meds ive mentioned in previous posts that were really affecting my songwriting in a strange way i didnt like, and id just been thru some really scary shit in the summer of that year that i wasnt in a position to process yet, so my new material was really all over the place and unfocused in a way that was sort of new to me. i was flailing and experimenting trying to find my footing sonically and especially lyrically - all the lyrics i wrote on those meds made no fucking sense, these are some of the more cohesive/interesting ones but theres lots of garbage ill never post.

musically i was playing with trying to blur the line btwn breakbeats and blastbeats and the little chopped stabs of metal guitar and weird chaotic synths trading off is kind of in service of that. i still think it's a really cool sounding track, but the lyrics and vocals just remind me so much of that weird time its kinda hard for me to be objective... it just feels so Sour and Queasy and Off to me somehow but maybe thats whats cool about it. it just doesn't sound like me when i listen to it, or maybe it sounds too much like me which freaks me out, like all the parts i dont like about my songs amplified and cartoonishly blotting out everything else. idk!! its hard to describe, this era has a really specific sound that bothers me a lot.

i also kinda feel the vocals here arent my strongest - i was messing with my hormones around this time, and not long after i recorded track this i went off progesterone and discovered that it had basically been acting as a 10x multiplier for my acid reflux for the entire duration of my time on hrt. it's documented that progesterone loosens the lower esophageal sphincter, i just never knew about it somehow. so since going off progesterone my vocals have improved a lot, but i can tell by listening to this track with the weird strained chewey sound of the screams that it was recorded while i was still on prog. ive got tons of food sensitivities that basically mean i lose my ability to sing if i eat an onion or some rice or a granola bar so the discovery abt the progesterone kinda changed my life actually. sometime ill get into my insane gut/vocal/health problems lol but its probly not that interesting.

the lyrics of this song are sort of about how suffering can feel magnetic, both from the outside as the tortured artist thing thing or w/e but also how once youve been thru some shit it feels liek it becomes part of ur baseline, sort of easier to return to the Going Thru Shit headspace in a way that feels more complex than getting triggered in an obvious way. i also feel weird writing about bad stuff that's happened to me because it feels like i want ppl to look at and acknowledge my pain as some kind of validation thing, which makes sense, but it can feel self-consciously perverse sometimes. and ofc suffering is horny on its own too. so this song is trying to work thru all those things but i dont really think i made much sense of it in the end. there's also some stuff in the first couple parts abt wanting to be seen and known through vulnerability, but then the result of that is usually just strangers knowing too much about you, so you just end up feeling kind of weird and empty instead of known in any meaningful way. oh and then the last section i just wrote because i was really mad at someone. it doesnt fit at all but it sounds cool!!

ok thats it. hope ur doing ok out there. here are the lyrics:

i'm sobbing at the open sky
my heart still lives in the dirt that won't dry
under my nails and far below, it knows me
is it always lonely when theres nothing left to hide?

can you stay alive when ur inside out?
or will u die scavenged, hollowed out?
screaming to be seen
but once it happens, is there anything left?

i'd believe that u want to crawl inside
sublimate and regress, return to light
start again deep inside my open wound
strip away the facade of what u show
no one knows you, i know i know i know
god i wish i could not relate to u

(a simple life of ignorance)
the mystery of sexiness
why is it always where the damage is?
crossed wires, misfire into swagginess
why is this magnetic?

(i don't know why i'm drawn to it)
everyone wants to be
(i want to be destroyed by it)
something so effortlessly
(i want to be controlled by it)
but no one is their true self
(images blurring up from another life)
without endlessly cultivating, rearranging their heart

never true or complete inside my heart
pieces scrape and abrade themselves apart
try to run but i cant escape the truth
misery like the sky inside a dream
i wish it was even worse, i wish it was everything
why is this what i want to be put thru?

dead neurons flashing like a lure
the warning of the phantom hurt
return to me,

you can't stay here forever
you can't stay

bro, u think u know?
ur POV swollen shut, rusted closed
holding onto the ghost of what u had control over
how long can u hide in this vision of tension
contention or silence?

fuck it, i'm hot shit
i'm sick of being passive and modest
always shy, ppl cringing at my best shot
im gonna kill the sorry bitch i was
lock eyes, make u watch
push thru like a knife in the gut
shut up
push thru like a knife in the gut
i wont give u the pleasure of it
but this one's all for u, bitch
your obsession with what ive got
back off, u cant have me
u cant have me

u cant have me