The World Which Is, CH 103

When me and Brandon leave Kranson’s compound, we are filthy and stink. Brandon’s still surprised we got out of there without any more fighting.

The first thing I did, once led to where we’d work, was change into the worse set of clothing I own. I’m glad I did, and now I want out of them, but I’m not switching equipment. Equipping my other set of clothing isn’t going to clean me, and the shit we had to shovel, and I mean literal shit, got under everything.

Their part of the city doesn’t have a well-maintained sewer system, so they need to clear it themselves. I don’t know how the more affluent parts do it, probably magic, but here, it’s manual labor. Something used as punishment, and I’d basically asked to be punished for the damage I inflicted on Kranson’s people, so he gave us the worse he has.

I can’t stand the state I am in past a few alleys and I duck into one, telling Brandon to keep watch as I unequipped everything and use rags I’ve accumulated over the trip to scrub myself down as best as I can. Then I equip my next worse set of clothing.

Still don’t feel clean, but at least his is bearable. As soon as I get to the club, I’m getting a bath. Might even pay for the luxury one just so I don’t have to wait in line for one that come as part of being a member to be available.

I offer a rag to Brandon, and he takes my place.

I’ll be honest. I’m surprised he didn’t do the work naked. It would have spared a set of clothing, and showed any of the guys watching what they were missing by not offering for him to pay what he’d agreed to in their bed.

He didn’t even bitch all that loudly while working.

When he’s done, I grab the clothing he left behind. I’ll burn them with mine when we’re on the road. Then we head to the club.

We aren’t given that wide of a berth. Nothing like I expect we would have if we hadn’t cleaned up, but there are a lot of wrinkled noses and people stepping away.

Helen and Silver are waiting by the club’s entrance when we reach it, and Helen’s expression tells me my bath is going to have to wait.

“Where the fuck have you been?” she demands of Brandon, first getting into his space, then stepping back, covering her nose and mouth. “What the fuck did you do?”

He rolls his eyes, smirking. “Hel, what I get up to is none of your business.”

“I swear to the system, Bran. If you dragged him—”

“Enough!” I snap. I’m really getting tired of her always thinking Brandon is the one dragging me places. “I needed to deal with something, and told Brandon he was helping me, if he wanted me to have a chance of surviving it.”

And she glares at him again, while Silver looked at me, concern on her face.

“What did you do?” Helen asks me after glaring at her brother way too long.

“You really want to talk about that with people around?” I reply, then push past her and into the club.

“Excuse me,” the woman behind the welcome counter calls as we head for the stairs. “Where are you all going?”

“Our room,” I reply. “We need to talk about stuff in private.”

“I’m afraid the upper floors are for members only.” She points to a door. “We have private rooms for groups. Any open door is available.”

They all seem open when I step into that corridor, so I take the first one. There’s a round table with seven chairs. I drop into one and once they’re also seated. I give them the version of the story I decided on.

“Dealing with killing Xander, with this compulsion it’s given me, has been harder than I thought.” Brandon glares at me, like even that’s more information than he wants me to give. But Helen’s got to know about that part, if she’d kill me at the first indication I’m a threat to others. “I almost lost it on a few people while we traveled.” Her and Silver’s attention are entirely on me, so they miss Brandon’s worry. “And I realized it was just a question of time until I killed again. So I forced myself into a situation that would either let me figure out a way to handle it, or kill me.”

“And…?” she asks.

“I’m here.”

“Are you okay?” Silver asks.

“No. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. But I think I’ve come up with something that puts the odds in my favor of not killing anyone else.”

Helen’s look is speculative, and Brandon goes on alert. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having problems?”

“Because until today, I didn’t think it was a problem. And because if I didn’t tell you I had a way to handle it, you would have carried through with the plan for me to end up dead you’re making right now.”

Her expression turns surprised, then remorseful. Maybe she hadn’t realized how she was looking at me. I mean, I wasn’t sure that’s what she was doing, but Brandon’s certainty she’d protect the most people she could pointed in that direction.

“What’s the plan now?” she asks.

“We finish here, head to Kansas City, where I finish my quest, then go home, where I’m not going to be a threat to anyone.”

“You’ll always be a threat, Dennis,” she says. “Every story I’ve heard of someone in your situation ends the same way. They eventually give in.”

“Then why haven’t you made sure I die?” I ask.

“Dennis,” Brandon warns. “Don’t give her ideas.”

But it’s indecision I see in her eyes, and I choose to interpret that as her not being entirely certain I’ll turn bad.

“I’ve gotten everything I need,” Silver offers, and that breaks the little of the tension left.

We’re all done.

“We leave in the morning,” I say.

“We can leave right now,” Helen counters.

“I need a bath, and I want a last night in a comfortable bed before sleeping on the hard ground again.” I leave the room before she can offer another counter, and I pay for a luxury bath.

*

I’d love to say that now that I’ve worked out a state of mind to control the addiction, I don’t run the numbers anymore, but I’d be lying. And this is a case where me lying to myself will end up with me killing people.

Most of the time, I’m fine. When I start running the numbers, I breathe and remind myself of who I am. Of my promise to myself. Put myself on that point of balance, and they fade away. I can even put myself in the middle of a conflict and deescalate it, instead of fighting the urge to cause it to explode and give myself easy experience.

But when I’m tired? On my bad days?

Then, not running the numbers is nearly impossible. Attempting to finding balance is pointless. I’m difficult to be around on those days. I snap at the smallest annoyance. Start fights more than once. Enough, we need to run out of the town of Marshall well before we planned.

I’m harsh even with Silver for a few days after that, and all the berating at myself doesn’t help my mood.

I don’t know how she can stand to come to me each time and check if I’m okay. The first afternoon I don’t snap at her for asking, she sits next to me and rests her head on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, and fuck do I sound pitiful.

“It’ll get better.”

I so fucking hope so.

*

Kansas City is…ordinary?

I’ve been on edge since leaving Odessa, the last town before the city, and that’s been putting Brandon on edge. I’m eager and scared. Eager to end my quest and return home. Scare of Aaron’s family’s reaction to the news I’m bringing them. That dealing with so many people will push me to kill someone, and all the consequences of that.

I think it’s caused me to build up this impression of the city as a fortress of darkness, where my worst fears wait.

But it’s just a city.

Entering it tedious more than stressful. There’s a line for travelers, but we still need to declare who we are and why we’re there. Being explorers doesn’t let us in the way Brandon seemed to think it should, and he snaps at one of the guards. It doesn’t devolve into a fight, but it does cause us to be led aside and questioned more thoroughly.

When I mention Aaron and the quest I have from him; that he died, they’re saddened. I guess it makes sense they’d know of him. This was where he lived, after all. It doesn’t mean we get out of there any faster, and Brandon is in a worse mood.

There’s a club here, so that’s our first stop. The hotel for Helen and Silver is a few blocks away. Helen’s worry when we go our separate way is palpable.

I have to check the journal for Aaron’s wife’s shop, Cynthia’s Flowers, and the man behind the bar doesn’t know of it. None of the explorers there do, but only one’s local and she doesn’t spend a lot of time in the city.

Not smirking at Helen’s relief when we meet up to eat is difficult. It’s almost like she thought the moment I set foot in the city I’d turn into a mindless killer. This is one of my good days, over all. I’m comfortably balanced and the numbers are under control.

I can’t help feeling like that’s not going to last, but I’m okay for now.

We spend the last hours of daylight shopping as a group. I don’t suggest we head our separate ways, because I know Helen’s not going to let me. I ask about Cynthia’s shop from the merchants I deal with. One’s heard of it, but doesn’t know where it is. In the NorthEast is what he thinks, which is one of the neighborhoods, you guessed it, to the North East of the city.

The next morning, Brandon makes me promise to wait for him to be back from dealing with something before I go see her. He doesn’t want me to deal with that alone.

And he keeps saying he’s an asshole.

Helen and Silver also want to be there for moral support, although those two stick with me all morning while we shop and I keep asking about the Cynthia’s Flowers. By the time we go back to the club for lunch, I have an address for it.

Brandon’s already waiting for us there, so once we’ve eaten, it’s be time for me to hand in my quest.