Shy, Ticklish, Country Girl: Chapter 6

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“It’s not like her to not show up,” Mandy said. She leaned back in a desk chair, her thumb scrolling up through a Facebook feed. “You think maybe she’s working?”

“I don’t know,” Carla said. “Were her parents here?” Carla yawned and rubbed her temple.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Grant added. He popped a Fig Newton into his mouth and spoke with it full, to Carla’s visible disgust. “Maybe just wanted a day to herself.”

“Maybe just sick,” Evan said, playing a game on his phone. He sat next to Mandy who stared off absently. “Something’s going around again, you know.”

“Maybe,” Mandy said curiously. She looked over to Jayden, sitting off by herself.

Jayden stared out the window onto a lonely playground at the back of the church. The equipment was in desperate need of upkeep. A single slide was outdated, tall and rusted metal, the kind that became a dare or challenge over the years due to its more unpleasant energy. Swings wafted with shrieking chains, each looking as if they only had a few more actual swings in them before finally snapping. A plastic and wooden jungle gym was warped by rain and blistered by direct sunlight. Colors had faded in all but a few places. Once bright and vibrant paint chipped into crackled dust. The whole setup sat like it would simply crumble with the next storm to roll by. Jayden watched the swings teeter. She propped her head by a hand on her cheek, the talking of the others no more than ambient noise to her ears.

“Jay?” a voice asked. “Jay, you here?” Jayden’s eyes darted over toward Carla. She and the others looked back at her curiously.

“Hm?” Jayden asked. “What?”

“Mandy asked you a question,” Carla said.

“Okay, well, I didn’t hear it,” Jayden snapped.

“Have you heard from Ashley?” Mandy asked. Jayden looked away again. She sighed and scratched at an itch against her eye.

“She’s not feeling well,” Jayden said blankly.

“Told you,” said Evan.

“Is that really it?” Grant asked, eating another cookie. “I mean, she came like three weeks in a row with the flu. Remember her giving it to everyone and feeling super bad about it?”

“Then she baked everyone cupcakes as an apology and got us all sick again,” Carla said.

“They were good too,” Grant said. “I’d miss more school for another batch of those.”

“You’d miss school for anything,” Carla said. Mandy looked back over to Jayden.

“You sure that’s all it is?” Mandy asked. Jayden stayed still, looking out of the dirty window.

“Sure,” she said. Mandy turned toward the playground outside of the window. She put away her phone and walked up to it while Carla and Grant continued to talk mindlessly.

“Dirty, isn’t it?” Mandy asked. “I’ve been meaning to clean up some of that trash. Want to help me?” Jayden glanced up. She caught Mandy’s knowing look and sighed.

“Sure,” Jayden exhaled. She stood and followed Mandy to the door to the classroom. Once outside, the two walked a ways down an outside corridor before Mandy came to a stop.

“Okay, what is it?”

“What is what?” Jayden asked.

“I know when things are happening,” Mandy said. “Patty was also acting really weird yesterday and now Ashley, and you for that matter. So what is it?”

“I told you, she’s not feeling well,” Jayden said.

“Uh huh, which means…?”

“Exactly what I just said.”

“Jayden…”

“Look, I don’t know what you want from me,” Jayden said, turning around to head back into the classroom.

“It can’t be just that, Jay,” Mandy said. “I know you both better than that.”

“Maybe it’s no one’s business but hers,” Jayden said, snapping around. “If you want to know, I don’t know, text her. Reach out. I’m sure she’d appreciate it.”

“I have,” Mandy said. “I’ve got nothing. Which, if she was sick she would just tell me that, but I’m not getting anything. Something is up and I think you know what it is.”

“Well, she’s not talking to me either, okay?” Jayden said. “That make you feel better?”

“What do you mean?” Mandy asked. “You’re best friends. Did you do something?”

“No!” Jayden said. “I didn’t… I didn’t do anything wrong… that I know of.”

“That you know of?”

“But ask her,” Jayden said. “I don’t know, Mandy, maybe she’ll talk to you because I’ve been trying to get her to talk to me and she hasn’t been.”

“But what happened?”

“It’s nothing, Mandy!” Jayden said. Mandy recoiled, her brows furrowing. Jayden paused and sighed, looking away and rubbing her head. “I don’t know what to say…”

“I’m just trying to help…”

“No, you’re trying to butt in,” Jayden said. “I tried to help, but take it from me, she doesn’t want that either. It just makes things worse.” Mandy furrowed her brow.

“Well excuse me for caring,” Mandy said. “You’re not the only one who does.” Jayden groaned.

“I know,” Jayden said. “I’m sorry, I’m just… frustrated. Listen, all I can say is that something happened, Ashley got hurt, I want to fix things, but she’s not letting me and it’s driving me crazy.” A pause fell over the pair. Mandy scratched at the side of her neck. “Finding out about it isn’t going to help. If anything, it’ll only make Ashley feel worse. But if you absolutely have to, ask Patty. She was there.”

“There… like, how?” Mandy asked.

“‘There’ like I don’t ever want her near me, or Ashley, again,” Jayden said. Mandy sighed. She rubbed her arm and looked off to the side.

“Something with Gabbi, huh?” Mandy asked. Jayden said nothing. “Fine, I won’t ask.”

“Don’t bring this up to Ashley, okay?” Jayden asked. “Let me talk to her, when she’s ready.”

“Okay, but I want to help.”

“You’ll help by dropping it,” Jayden said. “She’ll want everything to just be normal and she’s scared that it won’t be. That’s she’ll lose people. Trust me on that.”

Jayden spent the idle group activities mostly staring off outside the window at the playground before leaving early before everyone else. She spoke to such a minimal degree that the others were quick to take notice, yet when they asked her what was bothering her, Mandy was quick to help guide the attention toward something else. Jayden left without saying anything to anyone. As she began walking home, she pulled out her phone. She sighed reading no missed calls or texts. She ventured into her recent calls to see the same name in a nearly endless repeat, none of which went answered through the weekend. Jayden tried again. She called Ashley once more to be met with her charming voice, her innocent southern sweetness, greeting the caller and instructing them how to leave a voicemail. Jayden let the message play. She listened to it up to the beep, when she promptly hung up.

She was half way to Ashley’s house before Jayden realized where she was heading. She knew the one way to ease the torrent of screaming thoughts circulating her mind, all of which blew through an inferno of empathy. The more she thought, the more a churning pit in her stomach turned over. Anger had settled in. At Gabriella. At Patty. At herself. At the school, the church, everyone, including herself, but none more than Ashley. She knew not why, only that Ashley’s response to the incident, attacking her with a cold shoulder, pressed down harder than she knew it should have.

Jayden pressed her way down the long, rural road leading to Ashley’s house. Coming up on the porch, she walked right up to the front door.

“Ash, open up,” Jayden said, pounding on the door. She kept her head low and sighed. “I know you can hear me, unless you’re asleep. If you are, wake up and open the door.” She stepped back and waited for a moment. She walked to the edge of the porch and looked up to Ashley’s bedroom window. A slight shift of the curtain told her all that she needed to know. She let out a heavy breath again, her hands thrust deep into her pants pockets.

Jayden waited for a few moments of inactivity before returning to pound on the door.

“Dammit, Ash, I know you’re there,” Jayden said, not liking the tone of her own voice. “Please, just open up and let’s talk about this.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Ashley said loudly from the other side of the door. Jayden groaned and shrugged.

“Then open the door,” Jayden said. “We can talk about anything.”

“I don’t feel well,” Ashley said. Jayden rubbed her temples and scratched at the side of her head.

“Is that it?” Jayden asked. “Is that really it?”

“Just… please go away.”

“No,” Jayden said. “I’m not leaving. I’ll stand right here until you open this door so we can talk.”

“I said there’s nothing to talk about,” Ashley replied.

“Yeah, I know what you said, but you know I know what happened and we need to talk about it.”

“Why?” Ashley asked. “Why do we need to talk about it?”

“Because it’s bothering you, clearly,” Jayden said. “And rightfully so. Because I care about you, Ash. Don’t you get that? So if you don’t want me in there, for whatever reason, then come out here and talk. We can go hang out in the stable, if you want.”

“Jayden, please…”

“Ash, come on,” Jayden said, her tone becoming more defeated. “I… I walked all the way here. You won’t call or text me back. Like, what the hell, Ash? What did I do to piss you off like this?” A pause fell over the two speaking through the door. Jayden walked back up to it. She exhaled a heavy sigh and laid her hand across the frame. “Please… I want to help.”

The door slowly creaked open. Ashley stood before her. Jayden almost failed to recognize her. The sunny, positive energy that normally fluttered around Ashley had dimmed. She always considered it a fluffed sentiment, but in the moment, that was the first impression Ashley gave off. Her eyes were dark. Her clothes were a baggy long sleeve shirt and sweatpants. Her hair was matted, unwashed and tangled. Jayden came in closer, staring back at her.

“Ash…” Jayden said.

“Come in,” Ashley said. Before Jayden could respond, Ashley turned and walked away. Jayden entered the house and shut the door behind her. The house was silent and dark. A delicate musk hung through the air. Not a single light was on. All of the windows had the curtains closed. The wind from outside howled gently against the walls, a sound Jayden could not recall ever hearing before.

“Ashley,” Jayden said. Ashley was already about halfway up the stairs. Jayden knew the house well. She caught up to Ashley and followed closely behind.

“What… um… why are you here?” Ashley asked. Jayden recoiled at the question. It felt alien, even through Ashley’s tired voice. For a moment, she had no response outside of her own confusion.

“What do you mean?” Jayden asked, following Ashley into her room. “You haven’t answered any of my calls or texted me back. What did you expect me to do?” The room was just as dark as the rest of the house, if not moreso. The curtains were drawn. Clothes laid across the floor. Balled up tissues piled in a waste basket and all over her nightstand. Ashley’s bed was unmade, her sheets crumpled at the foot of her bed. Ashley took a seat on her bed, looking down at her hands cupped in her lap.

“Sorry about that,” Ashley said somberly.

“Listen, we have to talk about this,” Jayden said.

“No, we don’t.”

“Yes, we do.”

“You don’t get to say that, Jay,” Ashley said, looking up at Jayden standing in the middle of her room.

“People are worried about you, Ash,” Jayden said. “Mandy, Carla, Grant, they all asked about you today.” Ashley said nothing. She merely looked off. “Listen, what happened…”

“It sucked,” Ashley blurted out.

“I know,” Jayden said.

“No, you don’t,” Ashley pushed back. Jayden shook her head, shooting Ashley a challenged expression.

“Okay, but this attitude at me, like… what the hell did I do?” Jayden asked.

“This could have all been avoided,” Ashley said. “This… tickling thing, it was a mistake, Jay. This shouldn’t have happened, none of it should have.”

“So, what, you blame me?” Jayden asked. “You ignore me for days when all I’m typing to do is help or show you that I care or that you’re not alone or whatever, and this whole time you’ve been blaming me?”

“I’m not… I’m not blaming you, Jay,” Ashley said. She put her head into her hands, her back hunched over. “I’m just mad at myself for letting this get so out of hand. I’ve been so stupid.”

“Ashley, it’s not that big of a deal,” Ashley said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m a freak, Jay!” Ashley shouted. “They made that perfectly clear. And on some level, I always knew it. That’s what it felt like. And now everyone’s going to know.”

“Listen, Gabbi’s all talk,” Jayden said. “There’s no way she’s getting away with what happened. She can’t.”

“But she’s going to tell everyone what I am,” Ashley said. “And what happened will always have happened. I’ll never stop feeling that. I still do and everytime I do, it just makes me sick.”

“It was bad, I saw,” Jayden said. “I did everything I could to stop it. But, Ash, this only defeats you if you let it. So what if she tells people? Own it. Step out. And hell, I’ll be with you every step of the way. You just have to trust me.”

“You don’t get it, Jay,” Ashley said, her eyes shimmering and puffy. “You don’t get how wrong it’s always felt. You don’t get how it feels to be the freak, the weirdo. How am I supposed to go back now after what everyone now thinks of me? After what they’ll know? I mean, what could you possibly know about that?” A hurt came over Jayden’s face, clenching to the residual stabbing of Ashley’s words.

“What? You think I don’t get that?” Jayden asked. “You think I don’t get what it’s like being an outsider? What it’s like being the odd one out?” Jayden took a step back, her eyes glaring with a brimming density of confusion. “How… how dare you.”

“What?”

“How dare you come at me like I don’t know what it’s like being the outcast,” Jayden said, charging toward Ashley. “I’m here trying to help because I care and you… You of all people should know what that’s been like for me. Have you not opened your eyes the entire time we’ve been friends? Do you seriously not remember the little girl crying on the playground because no one wanted to play with the little brown girl who just moved into the middle of hickville? Maybe not. Maybe you don’t because you didn’t play with me out of pity. You did it because you were a good person and I stuck around you because you were a good person.”

“So, I’m not anymore?” Ashley asked. “I can’t have my own problems? I’m not allowed to be utterly humiliated?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Jayden said, pulling herself back. She sniffled and scratched at her eye. “But don’t tell me what I know and what I don’t know, because even that’s not all of it.”

“So, what am I supposed to do now?” Ashley asked, her voice cracking while her eyes water. “You said it yourself that you know. So what now? Just go on, let everyone think that I’m some kind of freak? Have this get out to the church and my parents and I… I just don’t know.”

“Ashley, it’s really not that big of a deal,” Jayden said.

“But it is to me!” Ashley said, tears finally trickling down her cheeks. “I don’t know why I’m like this. But no one’s going to care now, that’s all they’ll see when they look at me. The weirdo who likes to be tickled. Gabbi’s going to tell everyone, Nathan’s probably going to stop talking to me, and Gabbi’s going to know exactly how to get under my skin all the time. And beneath it all is this… humiliation. I… I don’t know what to do now…” Jayden drew in a deep breath through her nose.

“Everything you just said…” Jayden said under her breath before speaking up. “Who cares what people think? Who cares how they see you? I get it, it’s hard. It sucks. But, dios mío, Ashley, you are so much more than that. You’re beautiful and smart and talented. You’re so perfect in every single way, and you have no idea it’s so frustrating… god, why should this bother you so much?”

“Because no matter what I do now, nothing else matters,” Ashley said. “You’ve seen how everyone at school is. You’ve seen how brutal they are, the mean things said in private and written in the bathrooms and all over the walls.”

“But none of that matters…”

“It matters to me!” Ashley screamed. She shot up to her feet. Her face darkened a deep shade of red beneath her freckles. She furrowed her eyebrows, glaring back at Jayden. “You’re not hearing me. And that’s why you don’t get it. You don’t feel the humiliation I feel, the complete shame and disgust with yourself. You don’t see the vulnerability here, what this will all cost me. The people that I’ll lose, the friendships I’ve made. I can’t trust them, clearly. I’ve been put on display. I’m just so sick of myself. All I can think about is what all I’ll lose from this, which will be way more than you know. You just don’t see that-”

“Ashley, I’m in love with you.” The words echoed freely from Jayden’s lips. Ashley stopped. Jayden stood idly in the center of the room. She sniffled and gritted her teeth. She dropped her head, keeping her eyes down and away from Ashley’s lingering stare. She swallowed. She pushed back the teary ache rising deep within her. Jayden, after a moment of silence, looked back up. Her eyes were watery and deep pink. She reached up and ran her wrist across her nose, sniffling loudly.

“What?” Ashley asked softly.

“You think I don’t understand what being vulnerable costs?” Jayden asked. She forced a smile and shrugged her shoulders. “Well, if it’ll help… here it is.”

“What… do you mean?”

“Jesus Christ, Ash…” Jayden sighed, looking off and periodically wiping her eyes. “You never saw it, did you? And the Oscar goes to Jayden for…” Jayden stopped. She raised her hand up to her face and started to sob, unable to finish her quip. Ashley reached out and took a step toward Jayden, but Jayden backed away. She sniffled and fought to collect herself. “Or, I don’t know, maybe you did and were just being nice. But, um, yeah… you’re the first to know.”

“I… I don’t… um…”

“Now you know,” Jayden said sourly. “Now you know why I do know what it’s like to feel like being true to yourself may cost you the only person that’s ever cared about you. Now you know why I do ‘get it’, what it’s like fearing that a pretty huge part of you will get out somehow and then you’ll be the ‘freak’ of the school, the church, all your friends, the whole damn hickville town!” Jayden paused to wipe her eyes. “You’re right. If it matters to you what other people think, then it matters. But this… I didn’t care about people knowing. The only person it did matter about was you. You were the only one I cared about. But if this tickling thing getting out matters so much, if everyone’s opinion of you matters so much, then maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much.”

“J-Jayden, I… don’t know what to say…”

“I don’t need you to say anything,” Jayden said. “I don’t care what you tell people. I don’t even care what you tell me. I meant what I said. I’ve felt this way for so long, way before the tickling thing started. You were always so kind. And sweet. And liked. And pretty. You were everything I ever wanted to be. And if you don’t want to be friends anymore, I get it. If that’s what it costs for you to at least feel heard or unalone or hell, the ‘lesser weirdo’, fine. You can tell everyone that I’m the freak, that I was a bad influence or whatever because of what I am!” Jayden turned. She sniffled more as she stormed off. She made her way out of Ashley’s room and headed down the stairs.

“Jayden, I never said-” Ashley called out, chasing after her.

“No, Ash, feel better,” Jayden said in a huff. “Close yourself off, ignore the people who love you, whatever you have to do, just feel better. That’s all that matters, even if you never want to see me again.”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Ashley said, trying to catch up with her. Jayden pushed through the front door and started down the porch stairs. “Jayden!”

“I tried, Ashley,” Jayden said. “I tried to help. I really did. And I’m sorry that I didn’t get there sooner, but this isn’t your fault and it damn sure wasn’t mine!”

“I didn’t mean…” Ashley said, trying to get words out. She stopped when she noticed Jayden shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Tears filled her eyes, pressing within her skull. “Jayden… why wouldn’t I want to be friends?”

“What?” Jayden asked, turning around to face Ashley at the bottom of the stairs. Her face was a deep shade of red. Her eyes blushed and leaked. Her brow furrowed toward Ashley’s conflicted stare. She walked back up to Ashley, pushing herself forward. “Why? Because that’s my worst case scenario. You want to pull all this crap out like how your whole life is ruined because of what other people might think of you? You make up these irrational circumstances to justify closing yourself off and never doing anything, never taking risks, even when you have so much potential, you’ll still allow yourself to be pushed back into a corner.

“You wanna know my worst case scenario with me telling you my secret, that I’m in love with you and have been since, like, the third grade? It gets out. I lose my friends. My teachers treat me bad. Hell, everyone treats me bad. Church people look at me weird, probably kicking me and my mother out entirely. And before you know it, I’m back on the playground with no one. But none of that matters to me, because you want to know the worst of it? I lose you. I lose this, this friendship, the best that I’ve ever had, because of me putting myself out there. And maybe that’s unfair of me to assume that of you. Maybe it was unfair for me to make this about me, to pull this ‘you think you have problems’ crap. But you want to ignore the fact that you’re not alone and never have been by assuming the worst of people, people you claim somehow matter? Then maybe I should too.” Jayden turned. She started off toward the main road, still wiping her face.

“Jayden…” Ashley said, following after her. Jayden stayed locked in her walk, keeping her head down and periodically wiping away the tears. “ Jayden.” Ashley swiped the back of her hand across her eyes. She sniffled as Jayden began picking up speed. Ashley raced down the porch stairs, but by the time she reached the bottom, Jayden was halfway to the road, kicking up dirt through a long sprint. “Jayden!”