How YouTube Breaks You
Added 2022-06-09 21:07:10 +0000 UTCThis is a really scary one. In a lot of ways, it feels like coming out all over again. This channel has brought me on an incredible journey. Well, I think that that journey has reached it's end, and it's time for me to start a new journey. I still don't know where this road will lead me, but I already feel so much better about the future of my channel, after looking back on my experience making this video.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You all are the safety net here. You're the ones who give me the confidence to do something like this, and I love you all ♥️
Comments
I'm one of the people who started watching your channel right after you released your coming out video. I saw your channel's name on somebody's list of their favorite trans creatives and that was the one I wasn't already familiar with at the time. I don't watch a lot of videogame videos, generally, other than just media crit, philosophy, and thematics stuff. I think you're a great storyteller. I haven't dug too deep into the back catalogue yet, but I've rewatched the Life Is Strange, Coffee Talk, and Celeste ones a few times now and I love them. They're very compelling, more because of your stories than the games themselves
Jessica Cheeri
2022-06-18 11:19:12 +0000 UTCUnfortunately I don’t have as much to say as the other comments here, but I did want to say that listening to that video made me realize that you deserve my money, I love your content and I’m more than willing to pay 5 bucks a month to keep you making it, whatever content you choose to make I’m here because I’m not here for the content, im here for your personality! I’m excited for the new direction for the channel
LiterallyCanada
2022-06-16 03:28:05 +0000 UTCI know I'm a little late to comment on this since you already made it public, but I’ll still comment here to ensure it won’t get buried. Massive wall of text incoming. You seem to have many ideas for videos that aren’t related to video games; I think you should try experimenting with making more of these, and see if it attracts new audience members. The video game essays are still fantastic, and they’re the #1 reason I and so many others have subbed, don’t stop those, but expanding the appeal of your channel will certainly be helpful (and the ideas you presented shouldn’t be all that alienating to your current audience, who like to be challenged). Seeing you be able to make videos for a living is something I hope to accomplish one day, and you talking about the positives of it motivates me to getting back into it, despite having classes and and internship. Even if my videos don’t ever get smiled upon by the algorithm, at least I’ll have tried. I subbed to you for quality, not quantity, and almost every video you’ve made has been of interest to me (exceptions being the ones on games that I haven’t really taken interest in), and I look forward to the other type of content you’re gonna produce. The videos I want to make are drastically different in terms of the content, but I still take some inspired elements of how you conduct your essays, and hopefully will be able to attract an audience with quality videos, and inspire others. I think that, unless you were a trans-rights channel from the start, coming out as trans is going to hurt your channel in one way or the other (shouldn’t be surprising how ignorant gamers of all fucking people can be), but doing this gaming channel as a transperson is certainly helpful too, to help show that transpeople can still be interested in the same things as everyone else, and are still just normal people. Trans people are obviously not widely accepted, but breaking into the community of gaming helps put a small dent in that. Now if it isn't too patronizing, I want to offer some financial advice (please don't take this as me looking down on you or how you spend money or anything, it's just that helping you save a little more can save a ton of stress). I am basing this on my experiences with budgeting for one person, so take it as you will. I'm not sure which state you're in (somewhere in the south if I remember correctly) so I'm not gonna make any comments about rent (it's too damn high basically everywhere, especially speaking as a New Yorker) and gas prices aren't going to go down any time soon as long as Putin's dumbass war keeps raging on, but one thing I'm almost positive you can save a little bit of money on is food. How much do you estimate you spend on food monthly? This is something that we think needs to be a huge part of our budget, but it really doesn’t need to be. At one point, I was spending about 140 or so dollars a month on food, and I even know a guy who spends about 60-90 bucks a month on food (2-3 a day), though no need to go that far. Foods like legumes, nuts, a lot of veggies, oats, and grains are usually dirt cheap. Examples: Last night, I had about a cup of kidney beans, a sweet potato, and about half a cup of broccoli. While I’m not sure about the exact prices, this meal didn’t cost any more than maybe three dollars (a pound of potatoes is usually about a dollar, beans are almost always the cheapest thing in the market). And this morning for breakfast I had oatmeal, one cup of oats with soy milk (plus cinnamon and walnuts). It was filling, and only cost about two and a half bucks, factoring in unit price. Also pro-tip, drinking mainly water is a guaranteed money saver. You don’t necessarily have to go dirt cheap for every meal, but doing this for a few of your meals each week can save you dozens of dollars. Eating is all habit; It’s all about getting into the habit of eating these cheaper (and healthier) foods. I know it sucks at first, but in the short term and long term, it’s nothing but a win-win. You don’t naturally crave cheeseburgers and milkshakes, it’s just that, since you’ve been eating them for so long, that’s what you’ve become accustomed to eating so much. Fast food might be cheap (still not as cheap as buying the right foods) and convenient, but you’re paying for that with your health in the long term and a little bit with your food budget short term. Getting stuck in the habit of settling for crappy food is a curse that you can break out of. Even if you aren’t worried about money, it isn’t something you should be doing to yourself. Doesn’t mean you have to be a martyr of course and eat nothing but beans, I mean hell I went out to eat with friends tonight. Just that you should slowly begin to eat cheaper and healthier; there isn’t any good reason not to. Ross Scott seems to subsist entirely on kidney beans. That seems a little extreme even for me, but he makes it work. Ross still seems to have financial concerns too as far as I know, but he’s super cheap anyway so I’m sure he’s used to it. I remember he said he’s never spent more than 20 bucks on a game. And then there’s smoking, which none of us like seeing from you, and it certainly takes a large and unnecessary bite out of your budget (Not sure what it is where you are, but in New York packs can cost up to $12). I’m not sure how to help on that one, though I’ll offer some advice, as naive as it sounds: Just don’t buy cigarettes. With me, there was a time where every time I went to the store I bought several pints of Ice Creams that were not only expensive but terrible for me; I even got bored of the taste of them, yet I still bought them. One day, I just decided to stop buying the things, and while it sucked at first, it went away after like a week (helped me lose a bit of weight too). Of course ice cream and cigarettes aren’t the same thing, but they’re both addictive vices. There is some reason to believe that going cold-turkey might be more effective than taking it one step at a time. Of course you’ll get cravings (as with junk food) but these are psychological, and they go away in time. Habits are hard to break, but actually making that effort to break them is a huge step. I hope you make that video on smoking soon, I’m sure there will be a lot of former smokers who watch the video who’ll be able to give advice. Maybe try vaping? Also, have you considered trade school? It's a good thing to have to fall back on, and to be able to have a non-shit job that pays better than minimum wage, though make sure you *really* want to do it; it might not be as ludicrously expensive as college, but it's still an investment. A lot of the trades are pretty easy and you can get certified somewhat quickly (there are a few people on the Discord who might know something about it, consider asking them, I would drop some names but that might be a little rude, if you’re interested I’ll DM them to you). Given your vertigo, that might restrict some of the jobs you can do (heavy machinery is a no-go), but there are bound to be a few things you can find. The idea that the Youtube career won't be able to support you anymore and not having anything to fall back on is an incredibly scary prospect, and none of us want you to have that stress. Low voltage electronics like security systems might be of interest, but you’d still have to get on a ladder. Also one more thing, if you have unnecessary subscription things like Spotify or Youtube premium, those can be cut. If you’re worried about money, you can’t afford to be indulging in these things. Wait until you save up and have a more stable source of income, if you have any of these things to begin with. I hope you think about the advice I’m giving you. As I said, I’m not trying to come off as patronizing, I want to see you live as comfortably as possible without worrying as much about bills and expenses. Every second worrying about money is a second taken away from making great quality content that I and thousands of others eagerly await to watch.
Red
2022-06-16 02:09:33 +0000 UTCThank you for all the consideration ♥️ I think the ending of the video didn't quite sell the amount of relief I felt in making it. I don't think I realized how good this video would be for me until I was done filming it. Once I had the final video rendering, I just felt this immense relief. Like, I know that so much of what I'm going through is the result of my own perspective on my work, which is indescribable to anyone else, but finally closing the book on my initial motives for the channel makes it feel like it's *mine* again. Four years of running this channel is nearly a fifth of my life. I've changed a lot as a person, and my values have shifted a lot. I'm incredibly excited to start running the channel in a way that reflects those changes. Right now, I'm more excited about my career than I've been in years ♥️
Leadhead
2022-06-10 22:50:34 +0000 UTCI have a lot of feelings about this one. First, you're an artist, not a "mere" video game essayists—which is already by far my favorite video content, being both an artist and a gamedev, so there's nothing really "mere" about it regardless—and thus I trust you and am enthusiastic about whatever content you choose to put out. That's why I'm here. Second, I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself, and I wish you didn't feel so alone. On my Patreon-only feed, right below this post, is a post by Ruby Seals, aka Codex Entry, who is another great video game essayist who came out as trans within the past year. Also on my feed are Hazel and Trixie from Ygg Studio, two distinct trans anime video essayists whose content, like you and Ruby, transcends commentary, whose work I watch regardless of topic, because I just think of them as artists. I don't just patron trans creators, either: I have ThorHighHeels and Noralities among others in here too... but I do think it's interesting that such a disproportionate number of my absolute favorite creators ARE trans, considering your being trans isn't an outward factor for my liking your content so much. My thoughts here are twofold: that you might get some good from talking to other fellow trans creators, because they probably know how you feel... and also, that maybe there's something specific about the trans experience that makes one more in tune with the artistic aspects of media... and not in the sense that "suffering makes one more susceptible to art" (which as an artist I think is an idiotic notion even though it's a popular view)... but more that I think there's a correlation between being able to see oneself from new perspectives, and seeing *the world* this way. So, being trans outright is a boon and a strength, not just either a progressive's curiosity or a bigot's turn-off, like (I felt) you were saying in the video. And third, yeah, I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. There's never been a moment where my focus ever shifted from your narrative to any of the insecurities you're feeling. If you hadn't mentioned it, I would've never noticed your voice efforts.... a subject that I'm happy to hear about, I mean (if I'm here, you have to guess I care about you and your mental well-being, right?) but it isn't something that I think about when I watch your videos. I already accept you as present you, not as a conscious act, but because I *only* know you as the version of you that you've put in your videos and is most recent in my memory. I don't have a notion of you, as a person, outside of your videos, so there's nowhere for me to feel any friction or disjunction. Freely focus on you! Most of us are too dense to even discern your efforts (though I guess that's as much a bad thing as a good thing?) Fourth and more broadly, yeah, relying on this pocket of capitalism to function in your favor in order to make a living I bet is frightening. But I hope you trust your voice. You ARE special. Selfishly, I want you to succeed, for the sake of the material you put out—that I derive so much value from. (Though UN-selfishly, never at the cost of your well-being.)
Uli Troyo
2022-06-10 22:43:30 +0000 UTC
