"Dusk in the Wilds"

My art never ceases to surprise me; just over a week ago, I finally managed to create an impressive, realistic creature portrait, yet, when I attempt to apply my skills to the digital medium in color, I fail meet my standards, even when permitted additional time. Over the fast eight days, it's felt as if this was but a needlessly long reminder of the artist I'm not, and made me question my progressed towards the ultimate goal...I know I'm better, at least, traditionally...yet the moment I incorporate color in Procreate, I'm launched four years in reverse...

I continually admire the works of old masters, too, admirable, contemporary painters, though genuinely wonder how they do what they do, if, after years of technical, academic study and dedication, this is all I'm capable of...it wasn't without useful insight, however: I now understand the abilities I lack, and, at least, an idea how I'll improve them...but I genuinely can't believe...after all this time...this is the extend of my illustrative ability...worse, I, again, forgot to adjust the images color profile, so it appears worse on most screen than it did on the Ipad.

Whether or not to post it, even to Patreon, I serious debated; I'm honestly ashamed of it...I know I should be better...but, as mentioned n previous updates, I need to take pride in efforts and failures: this was the most ambitions piece thus far, and, I hoped, the most successful...I've much room to improve in numerous areas, however, more time won't alter what this image ultimately is. It'll need to be shared to other social media accounts, not for my virtually non-existent audience,  rather, for myself: a reminder of recently mediocre production, and motivation to avoid another's creation, if possible. I'ven't many followers, anyhow, so I doubt it'll make substantial impact...besides, when Project Ballad's fully realized, this'll make for great, early-stage concept art.

When I first embarked on this path, I genuinely believed it'd be shared with other ambitious creators, each dedicated to their craft, to mastery...though, after all these years, after I proved my conviction, my skill, and even received job offers from the likes of Disney, I still can't garner my peers' respect...after all this time, I'ven't even a sense of comradery...no one talk to, really, aside form myself...I wonder if my dreams be suffocated, not by my lack of ability, vision, or effort, but others' genuine lack of interest in what I produce or say: constantly ignored, constantly overlooked, even after I thought I proved I was one of them...after this piece...I wonder if I deserve it...in one aspect or another, I'm still not good enough...

Thankfully, next month presents an opportunity to begin anew, however, I'll focus on a couple figure studies to, first, mend my wounded confidence, then, I'll address the issues at hand.

-Jaivin