Project Null and General Update

Last week, I finally completed Project Null's first draft story arc; it was an arduous task, though my efforts have produced a worthy foundation for a sincere, enjoyable, insightful narrative. Akin to its predecessors, Project Null's riddled with continuity errors, disparities, unresolved, unnecessary plot points and details I'll later correct in a second revision, however, the adverse, personal toles must first be addressed.

Afore Project Null, I finished TEOS's three-part first draft; back then, I had to simultaneously articulate eloquent verses, profound events, and characters despite consistent, narrative uncertainty: I was often mentally overwhelmed, a sensation I wished to avoid, so alternative procedures were considered and tried on Project Ballad: I decided, for every revised chapter of Project Dream, I'd reward myself with a single story arc session in condensed, unformatted text, free of quoted conversation or poetic descriptions, to focus solely on the the story's key instances and swiftly correct deficiencies...initially, the results exceeded expectation.

At about three thousand words per session, Project Ballad's first, and second, arc drafts were completed within a few months despite its irregular schedule: I figured, since the process was so thoroughly enjoyed, once free of Project TEOS, I'd channel all focus to story arcing other Projects...but, after merely months, I felt at similar odds with Project Null and B.E....my enthusiasm waned...my motivation severely declined...every other day, I cowered from another, grueling bout of overly simplified, redundantly prosaic ideation...from the tale's content, my attention drifted to potential ramifications for this new commitment: will extensive periods of story arcing compromise my formal abilities? Will I condition myself to express verbose, monotonous texts?...To all at stake, each sentence seemed testament...upon my mind, it heavily weighed...

Gradually, nights became restless...I woke later, worked less, and sought any excuse to delay Project Null's continuation...my typing speed improved to over one hundred and ten words per minute, yet Project Null's sessions fell to less than a thousand total...born, was, other source of self-contempt: not only will my skills suffer, but productively as well, when, two years prior, I'd easily produce more than four thousand words in three hours...it was the long dreaded...

The sudden loss of vigor, finesse, naturally, forces one to question their sacrifices, their dedication: were the rigors truly worth the reward?...Even now, my fingers are weary, my mind, dull...as if the passion, the vigor's been sapped from formerly vivid thoughts...

The woes, unfortunately, have cascaded to the other disciplines...in my isolation, my art continued to frustrate while I scrounge for rare, useful knowledge and guidance; since I remain limited to the crudest programs, my music sessions feel mindlessly tedious, worse, my impulsive desire to scour for answers to my art issues often undermined my musical practice...productivity, in all three disciplines, has clearly suffered due to the one, I thought, would always come naturally...

Relatively, I know I still work longer, and more consistently than most individuals: Project Dream's made substantial progress, I'm nearly half-finished with my first album, and, yesterday, with a professional artist's help, I believe the key to my technical block was finally found, though I've yet to prove it...I'm not exceptional, by any means, nor've earned financial stability, the respect or comradery of my peers, but I've still accomplished more than many age and I intend to strive onward from here...however, the lack of productively must be resolved, lest never I'll never regain past satisfaction...

As I was at the end of Project TEOS, I'm now free, again, to select which project I'll pursue next: should I finish Project B.E.'s story arc? Likely not, since I crave to write formatted text. Should I, perhaps, focus on Project Dream for atime? Or, should I format Project Ballad? Some options entice more than others, however, first, I must restore my routine and discipline: 'til liberated from habituated dread, I doubt my joy will be rediscovered...

I must creatively recover, but allow not my skills to further wane...I want to wake each morn, eager to work, not disheartened, so I'll write without goal or expectation for now, though Project Dream will be unaffected: thankfully my editorial enthusiasm remains, but, every other day, I'd rather recover from mental exhaustion...

In conjunction with tarnished zeal, and the story's inherent length, Project Null required more time than anticipated...prior, by Project TEOS, I was thoroughly battered...for almost two years, I haven't consistently enjoyed storytelling...my head physically aches each time I sit to type...my sleepless nights derail the next day, 'fore it's even begun...I'm greater than this, I know...however, how can one take an identical approach, yet expect different outcomes?...I want to work, but not in agony, or ceaseless frustration...I want to regain my excitement...but I must rest...the the thought churns my stomach: I fear, I'll make matters worse, though, I hope, akin to Project Ballad amidst TEOS, this is precisely needed.

I'm grateful for your help and support; though the numbers may seem modest, you constantly remind me these efforts aren't in vain...I will persist...your trust and grace will never be forsought.

My deepest thanks,

Jaivin