Good morning!

Damn! Well it’s been one hell of a year. As we approach October I’m realizing how long I’ve been in a pretty heavy mental health slump, and wanted to be transparent with you guys about what’s been going on behind the scenes here, as I’m likely going to be a bit quiet the next few days on instagram and TikTok, I need sleep lol. As I write this, the night I slept was riddled with sleep paralysis and revisits of night terrors I haven’t had in a long time.

Being by myself now in my apartment, I’m really starting to recount the last year I went through a really horrid dynamic (where I was essentially a provider parental figure rather than a roommate) between my roommate and I, and the physical stress that 31 days of cosplay put on me (not to mention thousands of dollars to make my costumes, makeup, hair changes, etc) and my disabled body, I never really came back from it.

I went into a pretty bad depression following Montreal Comic Con (July of 2023), and now that October has come back around again, I’m so very tired and have yet to come out of that depression from last summer.

The last couple days (and months, to be honest) have been one long, heavy cloud, and I’m coming back from some really dark times, between the move, family issues, and burn out. I’m looking forward to the future of working out here on my platforms, but I’m changing my approach and not letting myself be walked over and put in harms way anymore for the sake of “work til you drop”. I’ve dropped. High time I gave myself a bit of a backbone.

I was five years old when I started working on sets with adults, and so I’ve spent my entire life feeling like the kid in a crowd of “real actors” and adults with “real” jobs. I dedicated the end of my teen years, and the first two years of my 20s, to cosplay and content creation. That has been so very fun, and such a dream. But I can’t pretend that it hasn’t made me pretty sad to see how much insult humour and how weirdly dry and snide/entitled my comments/chats have been. I quickly learned to avoid the discord, and the moment I came in, I was told to leave, which was framed as a joke but as I’ve said hundreds of times on here, I just don’t do insult humour. No need when I get god horrifying comments and dms day in and day out.

After the time that I’ve spent working for 12-15+ hours a day, and how little time I gave myself, it feels like a bite in the ass to have comments like I’ve seen recently, on my twitch especially. I heavily regret not enjoying BG3 a long time ago, and making it a stream thing. I deserved to play the game. Not be yelled at about what I’m doing wrong. That stream changed a lot of things for me, and I’m going to be a bit stricter on how moderated my chat will be, with big thanks to the help of Hells.

Today’s stream is going to run the full couple hours, but without a break, as unfortunately I need to get it over with quickly for my mental health sake. I really haven’t been well, and I’m learning to prioritize myself while I maintain working here. My family (both parental and chosen family) are here to help me come back and find myself again in all the characters I’ve played through the last couple years.

Looking forward to seeing recovery from now, into the new year 🫂✨