23.

23.

“What’s your relationship with anger?” my acting teacher once said.

“I didn’t know I had one” I replied.

I like to think of myself as a loving person who cares very deeply about everyone and everything, and when I feel like I have been wronged or treated unfairly I have a tendency to explode or implode, depending if someone is around or not.

Something which I am working on today. The CPTSD flashback I am handling. Once I accept that I am having a flashback, and stop resisting the fact I can no longer, temporarily complete basic tasks without outrages of frustration I can  allow myself to rest and recover, I reluctantly let go of my wants and desires,  my pressing to do list and surrender to the fact that for now, everything I wanted to achieve will have to wait. Tomorrow is another day. One where I may have more chances to succeed in convincing my patrons to stay for another month after all the effort I put into this one. Accepting that I have no control over what others decide to do and reminding myself that I have other streams of income to build if this one does not allow me to feel secure each month in the knowledge that I can pay my rent and take care of my basic needs. If something is not flowing….it’s time to move on...and i will know when.

I woke up this morning, after three hours of sleep, feeling OK because last night I got to go online with Kyle Cease for the first time. It was like being on a zoom call with a celebrity! It felt so natural. Like the most natural thing in the world. And I got to fulfil my latest desire, to be in a room (albeit online) full of entrepreneurs and Americans!!! Don’t ask me what my pull is towards Americans, but I believe that when I find my partner that he will be American and preferably an entrepreneur.

I find when I have fun staying up late, I am less tired the next day. I awoke to the sounds of World War 3. The construction site was at it again, 6.30am, banging giant metal fences, with a clash. I hear they are on the war path after so many complaints. It seems they are going after my landlord now. It distresses me that money bypasses laws here. It’s corruption plain and clear. Unjust for all the residents and unnecessary greed for those that have plenty and want more. I wonder what emptiness they are filling?

The pain of my period meant I struggled to walk, but I wanted to get outside and see the sunrise. Impossible to sleep anyhow. So I invited a friend for coffee down at the bay, espresso and espresso macchiato. I gave my car back to the rental guy, I had enough groceries for the week and I got the freedom that I needed over the weekend to get to a couple of parties. Man, I am dreaming of a car! Every time I pass one I keep assessing it. I have settled on the fact it will definitely have to be red! Or silver, but red is best! I am researching scrappage schemes here, maybe i can scrap my old car that broke down after 8 months when the engine caved in, in return for some funding towards a new more eco friendly car. Anything is possible. Even finding the time to get to Malta and visit car agents. I don’t want an old car this time, I want to save myself the stress. Getting to Malta without a car means two bus journeys, one ten minute, waiting time in between, up to an hour and another half an hour bus journey to get to the ferry. The ferry takes 25 minutes to Malta and I love this time to ride over the sea, sitting up top, it’s heavenly. From the Maltese side, it can take about an hour and a half to get anywhere half decent, so getting from my home to where I want to go in Malta is like going from London to Paris! It’s an effort without a car for sure!

This weekend at a party of new people I had never met, I met an entrepreneur who is gREAT!! She has inspired me to apply for a Masters degree in Entrepreneurship, doing degrees are so reasonable here it’s incredible….will they accept me? I don’t know, but wish me luck! I always dreamed of going to University and to go in Valletta would be a dream come true!

As for today, the anger came once I could take the noise no more. I had already dialogued with my pain, asking my inner child to share what she felt. To allow her to be heard. To acknowledge all the times and ways she was shut down as a kid, pursuing paths that appeased both her mother and father but not completely her own. She shared that she had made too many sacrifices, people pleased too many times and she had reached her limit. No more. Enough. This is why the anger seeps out, without control sometimes and I don’t have the discipline or the practise to stop it.

I messaged my friend;

“I need my CBD oil back, i’m in pain”

“I used most of it, then gave the rest away”

“WHAAAAT?!” I only lent it to you for a few days!!! I can’t afford to give you the whole lot for free!”

Misunderstanding. He didn’t understand my gift, to ease his back pain with my CBD oil for a few days, and me not checking that he had understood the gift. 

“Why are you so stressed? Why are you angry like a lunatic?”

“Because I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of the flashbacks, the construction noise, the period pain. Of not being able to work when I want to. I had made so many plans for Patreon to complete in these last few days. Because it’s the first of the month and I will have to face the numbers of my patrons going down and feeling the fear again that I won’t have enough to pay for the things I need. When I heard you gave away my CBD oil and that I’ll have to pay  to replace it, on top of the parking ticket I got yesterday for a worn out yellow line, invisible in the dark, I just snapped. “

Luckily we worked it out. We are good friends. We love each other and I accepted his suggestion to do a meditation. Since then I have been listening to love frequencies all day and realising that all this stress is just the result of fears and traumas. Love is all we need and I am resourceful enough to survive.

Tomorrow the pain will subside and I’ll feel free again. 

In the pain if I can just be with it, there is an opportunity. Hear the hidden anger inside, burning from too many years of put downs and put ups, listen, give it space and set myself free.

Life is too precious to waste on anger and upsets and disagreements.

What is mine will be mine, the rest, I set it free...