Breaking Free
Added 2020-07-07 12:01:00 +0000 UTCI was thinking today as I woke up...
"How can I have been doing this challenge for 4 years and STILL not be completely free!
I once said I want to be so free that if I want to have sex in public online I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. But I'm still not there yet.
I get very tentative and fearful of judgment and rejection when people ask to see my Patreon page. I have no problem with strangers finding it, my target audience who are going to sign up..but if its people who I know who just want to "see what I do" then I can get a bit nervous.
I want to be sure they will understand me, that they won't judge me. I find myself explaining how it started and just basically go into fear that they are going to think "oh you just make money out of taking your clothes off" and I'll be like "NO! YOU DON'T GET IT!!! THIS IS NOT THAT, THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE!!!"
Sometimes it is that. Sometimes it's just making the content my audience expect to see.
But when I really dive deep with this work, it's a healing journey.
When it's not that, I feel uncomfortable. I judge myself through others eyes, I judge myself through the minds of the society in which we find ourselves in. I even wonder if patreon judge me, hiding me away in the NSFW box at the back of the cupboard. i don't feel celebrated by them that's for sure. My successes here have gone under the radar and I don't see myself getting asked to join their Show Up Events....but hey....I'm sure i would have more luck with a different public page.
In order to love ourselves and let go of all the fears and all the judgments, of who we are on the outside and who we are on the inside, it requires a safe space and it requires working through all the shame that corroded our self love in the first place.
