25.

25.

25.

I hark on about authenticity and transparency often. It’s my “job”. One that I’ve self created, by accident, which started out as a simple challenge to accept all sides of myself without the constant voice of judgment in my head and worry of judgment from others. And yet, in many ways I lie to myself on a regular basis. I lie to myself that I’m OKAY with having a lover when in fact I want love, and my lover is really just a fuck buddy, and that is definitely not what I want. I have parked my need and desire for romance, because the only ones offering it were wonderful men that I was not physically attracted to. Rather than build a friendship and trust that the attraction might follow, I dismissed them out of hand. My libido overlooked these men as not physically interesting. I look back at some of the men that romanced me to the stars and back in my twenties and I feel regret that I neglected to give them a chance. 

When I was 19 I went to New York to audition for a ballet company, Ballet Tech. Patrick Swayze had once been a star there, and i had recently danced for a choreographer on a very moving piece in london who was formerly the director’s assistant over in New York and she thought i would be right up his street. She set me up an audition and off I went. I stayed with some guys I had met in London who were in a broadway show. I had no idea that the guy who invited me was “into me”. It didn’t even occur to me that all of his gestures to set up amazing nights out were his way of wooing me. Wow, I look back and think how could i have been so blind, and wow, if only i had been attracted to him, he really knew how to romance me. The first night I arrived he took me to a jazz bar, other nights we went to speak easy’s, the premiere of a musical, where I bumped into one of the Royal Ballet dancers I performed with in London. One night he said “What do you want to do? Coyote Ugly or a limousine?” Coyote Ugly please! Me and my friend who had flown over with me, danced on the bar all night. When I knocked some guys drink over, I asked Kim, our friend behind the bar, to replace his drink on my behalf. Kim replied in her American drawl

“This is a girls bar, you ain’t buying no guy no drink”

And that was that. If a guy hit on me with attention I didn’t want to receive, Kim would tell me to thank him for his drink and leave it at that. No man was allowed to make the women feel uncomfortable, and I could tell there were some serious regulars who made sure the bar stuff got home safe.

New York was wild, but i couldn’t see myself living there; I felt like an ant at the bottom of all these skyscrapers, insignificant and small.

I seem to have gotten into the habit of accepting the dregs of what can offer me, which, when I break it down, I realise that it’s not that much, and actually, to get straight to the point, it’s nothing. I know now that I have work to do to build my confidence up to a place where I can start turning down the men that offer me breadcrumbs and be content to be alone until the right man comes along. 

I tend to find that people will meet you at the level at which you meet yourself, and if you accept breadcrumbs, that is exactly what they will give you. I know it’s time to give this lover the boot, he has nothing for me, nothing at all. 

If only men knew what women wanted...but I think first they would need to get over their mother issues. Most men don’t actually respect women, they fear them, and to mask their fear, they put them down, treat them like they’re nothing, and they become used to so much porn that they see women as objects. Just someone to give them pleasure, to serve them. As for the woman herself, they have no idea of the marvel of this Goddess they seek to enter. All they can think of is pussy. Detached, lost and disconnected they have no idea what it is they seek. I feel the same about men. I met a good man in my mid twenties, but since then...i am still waiting. Until then, I prefer to be alone. To meditate, write, read, create and be. I know that when I am content to be alone without distractions, without reaching for a beer, a glass of wine, a TV show, a cookie, then I am at peace, and the right man will come along, or not, and i’ll be okay with that.