26.

26.

Annah remembered the words of her favourite artist Amanda Palmer when she was talking to her friend

“When will I stop doing this?

When it hurts enough, kid” was his reply

It was hurting enough. Her angry outbursts were burning bridges and causing her housemates to move out. She knew something needed to change. It was time that she started living from all the wisdom she had acquired and stopped putting her needs last. She knew what she wanted; a happy relationship, a thriving business, a cosy home, and time to make art and music and spend time in nature. It shouldn’t be that hard. With all this turbulence inside her she was sick of surviving and realised she needed to start thriving.

She had been watching documentaries on Wim Hof, and it hadn’t occurred to her before that this guy had designed his method for someone exactly like Annah. Wim’s wife had jumped from a five story balcony and he had dedicated his time to bringing up their four children and finding a cure for people with illnesses of the mind like her. His method couldn’t save his wife, but maybe it could save Annah. She knew that she couldn’t go on living like this anymore. It felt like life was constantly out of her control and out to get her. It couldn’t be true. She had good days too.

Something switched inside her. It is in my control, she thought, I just have to be strong like a tree, with roots so deep, no winds could disturb her peace. She knew with focus she could change her destiny. The mandatory mask situation had been getting to her. Seeing educated people wearing masks as they took a stroll by the sea made a sadness creep inside her that she could not settle. She knew there was insanity in the world and she knew if John Lennon was alive he would be in bed making love to Yoko and preaching peace. Would anyone listen? Or would the fear mongers not even listen to John these days?

So many of her favourite stars had died, and she wondered what they would be singing about or talking about if they were here now? Robin Williams, Prince, Bowie…

I may not have control on what is going on out there, she thought, but I can control what is going on in here, in my mind, my thoughts. She made a decision to start evaluating every area of her life, from the foods she ate, to the beliefs she had running through her head that impacted her behaviour and created the course of her life. Would I live here if I could live anywhere? Would I do what I do now if i could do anything? How would my life be if I started living as if I really was the Disney of my own reality?

She hadn’t much been enjoying the movie of her life, some days were epic adventures but others were nightmares by comparison. She made a pact to herself to let go of anything that no longer served her and start living as the woman she wanted to become.

Every moment is my own to design as I please. How do I want my life to be?