Good Morning

It's unusual for me to be up early. I'm not usually a morning person. but this morning I woke up at 6am and I was thinking about something one of my Patrons (I'll keep you anonymous) was asking. He was wishing i made explicit content.  As you know it's not exactly something I haven't been asked before many times. And as you know, knowing me, it will depend upon the kind of mood I am in how i will respond. if I am feeling defensive and shut down I might get irritated and offended. If I am feeling wild, free and open I might wish I were the kind of person that would feel safe making sexual content.

This morning I thought to myself, what stops me making "that kind of" content. Well, firstly, haters. I have many. Some invisible and some visible. This summer my best friend turned nasty when I went out to a music night with a guy, she was invited of course and I never made her feel left out, if anything he did not me, as in he was attracted to me and making it known, but of course she chose to take that out on me, not him. The next day she explained that I had triggered a teenage wound in her when she was (in her words not mine) a fat girl, and never got chosen by the boys and had to see all her friends get picked and not her. So, she admitted she was aware she had a wound and this guy "picking" me or showing an attraction to me, triggered her, and yet a few days later she was unable to see the connection that this trigger made her ban me from a group, ironically a support group for the unvaxxed to start growing their own food and making themselves self sufficient in case shit hits the fan. Then she started a smear campaign telling a whole WhatsAapp community group on the island that I was "mentally unstable" and not fit to be a practitioner of energy healing. Her friend (and previously my friend) joined in on the abuse and started publicly slating me and then banned me from the group. It seemed this gay guy was also triggered by the fact I was getting attention from a hot guy and loving it. 

These two friends could not be happy for my success, not only that but they wanted to actively destroy my reputation because I was having a good time.

Can you see why it is hard for me to be myself?

All i was doing was accepting an invitation to go to a music event from a hot guy who was showing interest in me.

And then after all I was doing was sharing how good that felt with this gay guy and former friend, who had shared every detail of his hook up with a hot italien guy until it all fell apart, just like mine. Unfortunately this guy couldn't be there for me when it all fell apart because he was too busy being jealous of me while it was good.

I am not joking when I tell you he sent me a 15 minute voice audio telling me how much he hated me. I still have it lol, just in case he gets even nastier than he already has! I could quite easily make it into a haters song! Adding clips of the voice, oh, don't tempt me!

I believe that I am on the path of the light and I do my best not to retaliate, not to react, but I tell you, sometimes when I get this, and I get this A LOT, it is really hard not to scream. These days I just do this alone in my home. The injustice can feel INSANE. To be constantly scapegoated, gaslit, bullied, projected onto.....and I don't mind being called up on my bad behaviour, I will always reflect on that. YOU KNOW how much I judge myself for this content alone. And at the same time if i lived in a safe world where haters didn't exist, I would love to be free to make love and share it. But because of all this hatred i get I don't feel safe.

There's also the voice in me that says, hey, you might want to get published one day by a company you admire, and they may turn you down because you once made naked content etc, so that's always in the back of my mind, even though I know that anyone who turns me down is not the right path and there will be someone out there who doesn't have prejudice against me.

i would be curious to know what you think about this. Have you ever had haters turning on you?
Have you overcome bullying? What have been your responses? Did they work? Did it stop?

Let me know in the comments.

It's 6;52 and today is PATREON DAY. MORE CONTENT ON THE WAY. I'M A POET LET IT FLOW IT, DON'T STOP, WHATEVERS COMING THROUGH, LET IT BE TRUE.