Where am I?

Beautiful patrons,  I am wondering if you are wondering where I am. To summarise, last week was a really really hard week for me. I filmed a moment that was particularly hard that I had planned to share. Once the moment finally passed and i felt good again, I felt reluctant to share it because i felt that maybe it was too negative and maybe that you would prefer for me to share the good times, and I am also aware of how unattractive I am when I am not "up".

So that vidoe did not get posted. Then, I made it to Sweden on Saturday after 11 hours of traveling and no sleep on Friday, and then I felt great, because I am in flow again, traveling and following my heart and going to see my friend Viktor, who I have been in contact with for 1.5 years on videoa dn audio but have never met in person. It was amazing in person. We are like the same person, and can talk about everything. There is onyl one things that frustrates me about Viktor, when he talks about other women, like some gnawing problem in his mind about who will be he choose to be this perfect partner. That annoys me, but other than that there is very little else. 

But I wanted to write, because what has been gnawing in me is that I am "behind" on my videos, as I felt under pressure to set a weekly number of vlogs to upload and share, and  now due to the nature of my needing some time to myself to recover last week and then being preoccupied with all this traveling, even though I have been mkaing videos i have not gotten around to choosing what I want to share and uploading, and for this I feel under pressure. I also feel guilty. And now Viktor and i have been talking in the sauna, and he made me realise that all this "nonsense" that we create to preoccupy ourselves with is just to keep us further and further away from the place inside us that is ok. We are not taught to be OKAY. We are taught to gnaw away at ourselves, to put pressure on ourselves and by doing so we tell ourselves that we are not good enough, and not perfect, and that eats away at us and then we are never happy and so we keep striving to be happy by bettering ourselves and furthering ourselves in our jobs and our careers and by redoing the kitchen for the 17th time in 3 years, etc etc. 

And here in Sweden I am in need of a break and I am in need of sharing my journey with you, and I am trying to understand what the best way to do that is, that doesn't leave me leaving myself in order to be with you.

Does that make sense?

you can leave your replies in the comments, you can share your thoughts, you can make your requests, and I will read them and see what it is I want to do next. Do I want to post tomorrow, do I want to post every day? Do I want to post when I feel liek it with no pressure or judgement on myself if I do not? Do i want to be true to myself in every moment? or always at the beck and call of what I believe others want from me? This, is the question!

Thankyou for listening.

Suze :-)