The Authenticity Blog

it's 8pm and I'm on my laptop in bed, which is weird that I don't do this more often, because I normally work from my desk. My cat Marvin is purring away and I've sat my bum on a little electric blanket! It must be this conditioning that work must be hard, and that sharing from my bed is far too comfortable! Which seems a bit ridiculous now that my instagram is called in bed with Suze!

I got back today from the Women's Retreat: 23 women living together from Thursday to Sunday! Well, I joined them on Friday because I had to schedule my Patreon content if I were to have two full days off with no laptop!

 It's amazing how intense two days can be! Just two days and you can dive so deep!

Some of the women ran workshops, we talked about men and sex and creativity, our dreams, our fears. It was amazing to me how a room full of beautiful women had so many insecurities. Women I would assume had it all figured out, because they look so cool, and yet under the surface every single women is battling with insecurities, trauma, self doubt or something that holds them back. Some women reaching 40 were questioning if they would ever get to have children, some of us wonder if we do in fact want children, or if this is just another disney dream that holds no weight in the day to day reality of our life. I would like a child. And I would like a partner. And I'm looking for a partner, and I had a lot to share on that with these women, and the feedback from so many women was to really question the disney aspirations and how much pressure I can be putting on a man from my unmet needs. I'm exploring how I can create more space between me and the desires that I identify with, and build some spaciousness between them. I am intense, and I don't imagine that will change! I don't want to censor myself, but equally I don't want to frighten a man away!

My adult self is pretty fine with my life. Yes, I'd like to live in a world where our governments weren't so corrupt. Where transparency was more interesting than drama. And one where love is more important than competition. But clearly I like my life or i'd create something else?

I love children and if I met the right man, I'd like to think that having a child was an extension and an expression of our love together, but I am also wildly passionate about all the things I create. Next year I want to dedicate many months to this documentary Entitled to Pleasure and I want to perform live again, and I'm very excited by the thought of that. I want to publish my first book and do some travelling round Europe.

I feel chilled after this 3 days with only women. It brought me some earthliness, groundedness, feeling supported by sisters is hugely important. 

The vertigo that I experienced some months ago, came back, for three days I've experienced moments of the room spinning, and i know I need to somehow see a chiropractor. It makes me nervous, but I know that once I have shared this blog, my head will hit the pillow, exhausted from this weekend of emotional release, where one morning I woke up and sat at the kitchen table and cried. One of the women held me whilst the other made coffee. I'll talk about it all another time in my vlog, but the past is being let go of, one step at a time.

Goodnight ;-)