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Loving the self, is an art equal to the art of loving another. Neale Donald Walsh in his bestselling book, Conversations with God, observes that when we are in love, we become concerned with what the other is being, saying or doing. Yet it is what we are doing, saying and being in response to the other, which we must draw our attention to.  As I treat myself to warmth, to nurture, to care, to making requests to friends for their company and companionship tonight, to plan ahead for the cold dark night, I become aware of how much more fulfilled I feel. My need of M has disappeared, and all that’s left is a warm glow of love for him. How he so gently came into my life as a beacon of light to guide the way. A man so at peace with himself and his own company, that he showed me how, when I am lonely, I am lonely for myself. He taught me that I can meet my own needs. That when I am full, and my cup runneth over, others want to rush in to keep it topped up to the brim, like waiter's rushing over to keep their most precious guests champagne glasses full. . 

To those who have, more will be given. From those who have little, even that will be taken from them. Mathew 25: 14-30. I hear that Jesus was talking about faith, but I turn these words towards the search for love. When we feel a deficit of love and affection, we keep seeking it outside of ourselves, as someone else’s job to fulfil. In each moment, I keep checking in with myself, how well do I love myself in this moment? Strengthening this practise of love toward myself will result in even greater awareness of providing care and comfort to those I love 

As I go down to the kitchen to make myself a turmeric latté to warm myself up, I hold open the fridge and gaze inside with shock and disbelief. I’ve always joked to friends how bare my fridge generally is. The neglected jars of jams and half opened bottles of non dairy milk stare back at me. There’s a half tub of greek yoghurt and nothing much else.  Yes, I get the irony. I buy non dairy milk whilst enjoying the creamy thickness of greek yoghurt. I can’t always explain myself. Why don’t I think that to nurture myself with good, nutritious, delicious food is a fundamental necessity? How did I get into the habit of making a joke out of my very apparent self neglect?

The answer will sit with me for days now, as I ponder all the times and ways  in which I have felt sad because there has been no significant other to fill my cup. My significant other was me. It’s time to step up to the challenge.