6.

6.

Today I write a new story. Today I anchor in a new reality. One where I am loved and wanted. One where all the old limited thoughts that I used to believe no longer exist. What we focus on expands. I choose to focus on love and all evidence that points towards the proof that I am loved. This is a new day. I have headed over to M’s house, he is not there, and neither are the dogs. I need connection the way a baby needs milk, and I’m willing to make a fool of myself to get it. I know what I am doing is weird. Walking the cliffs, hoping to bump into him and his housemates walking the dogs. I don’t see them. I keep walking. Time passes. I know they are not here. It is the most beautiful day; summer in winter. The sparkles of the sun shine on the water. I feel my desperation for connection. My refusal to go without. I lie down at the cliff edge and have a conversation with God.

He brings my attention to the light reflecting on the water and how beautiful it is. I keep my attention there as I ask him why I am alone. There is laughter in his response. With so much beauty around me and so much proof this week of how loved I am. M made such a fuss of my birthday and he offered to come over to clean up after the party i hosted. He has been a rock this week, even when I was raging. All of his actions say “I care” “I’m here for you” all of his actions made me feel loved, even though I don’t dare to use the word love at this stage. 

I feel God laughing at my doubt. I get up and continue walking, at least I will enjoy this beautiful day. I let the tears fall if they want, the tears expressing that I want to be with my friends so much right now, not to be wandering these cliffs alone. I realise I don’t know where I am, I am in a quarry and I don’t know how to get back to the path. I feel frustrated. I approach a couple and with their map. I realise how to get back on the path. My reception returns to my phone, I have so many messages.

Where are you?

I call my friend N who I am meant to be meeting. 

Come Suze, just come! 

We have a plan to meet up, four of us women, to talk about retreats and then go out to celebrate my birthday. I’m not in the mood for talking business I say. I’m sorry I’m late, I’m feeling a bit low I tell her.

Just come!

I arrive an hour and a half late.

Good to see you Suze 

my friend L says,

Come have some tea, you’re in perfect time for the sunset. 

I feel bad, I’m not in the best mood, and my friends are being so sweet. L takes me down the path and out of nowhere

SURPRISE!!!!

I don’t believe it! Am I in a movie? Is this real? I am greeted by about 20 of my friends, dancing by the pool, shouting surprise! Stevie Wonder is singing Happy Birthday through the speaker, there’s a happy birthday banner filled with glitter, and everyone is dancing and smiling!

I don’t believe it! Am I in a movie? Is this real? M is here, and so are so many of my friends. I am hugging everyone in disbelief. My friends would do this for me?

For me?

I am crying for all the right reasons. My friend’s child is dragging my arm, 

Come see come see!

She has a picture she has made for me that reads 

“Make a wish, Shine your light!”

My heart is brimming with love and tears. The contrast from where I came from on the cliffs, alone, wondering if I was wanted, if anyone would ever love me and here I am loved and wanted and celebrated!

My friends had been planning this for a couple of weeks. They had even created a Whatsapp group just for my surprise party. I had no idea. Of course I didn't, it’s a surprise!!. My friend N heard me say that I had never had a surprise party in my life, and I have always wanted one. She immediately went to work to make this happen. I am so touched. This is not just a good feeling or a nice surprise. This is the beginning of so much more. I will anchor this day into my memory to wipe away all doubt that tells me I am not loved that I am not wanted. I will rewrite my story. I have 20 people dancing in front of me with huge smiles on their faces that they have managed to keep this surprise hidden from me for 2 weeks, while they plan everything for me to enjoy,.happy in the knowledge that I am absolutely delighted by all their efforts.

Today I write a new story. Today I anchor in a new reality. One where I am loved and wanted. One where all the old thoughts that I used to believe no longer exist. What we focus on expands. I choose to focus on love and all evidence that points towards the proof that I am loved. This is a new day...and I’m feeeeeeeeeeeeling GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!