7.

The challenge is on. Since that amazingly affirmative week of my birthday, where my dear friend N organised a surprise party for me, I have realised that more than ever, I need to take a deep look at my self esteem or lack of it. Self esteem, or even the exploration into deserving a healthy sense of self worth is not something I felt comfortable addressing. My family attach these pursuits as self centredness or selfishness, and to even be exploring this subject would suggest to them that this is something distasteful and egoic in nature. I’ve always cringed when people harp on about self love. To me there’s always been something cringe-worthy about the idea of it. But really how well can we love another if we are not willing to love ourselves? As I write, my cat Marvin is licking my fluffy jumper. I try to explain that I am not a cat and that is not my fur, but he seems to derive much pleasure out of licking my jumper, so who am I to judge?  We cannot judge and love at the same time.

I tend to judge myself based on how others judge me, and then tonight some kind of uprising happened within me. I was watching season 2 of sex education on Netflix where the girls get otgether and start smashing abandoned  cars up as a way to release all the things they are angry about.

Inspired, I created a whatsapp group for some friends, inviting them to get together with some baseball bats and “smash some sh!t up”! It was very liberating. One woman immediately messaged to ask whether the group was inspired by season 2 of sex ed, yes I said. There is this love and light, good vibes only dogma that is going around, which I think is very stifling, and so I feel the need to address this issue and bring back some realness to our relationship with what we call negative emotions. You might think having led this authenticity challenge for so long that being comfortable with all sides of my emotions is a feat that I’ve already accomplished. Things couldn’t be farther from the truth. I notice how often my “intensity” is judged by people around me, and more and more I get the impression that rather than being some freaky weirdo who feels things “too” deeply, the problem equally lies with the ones judging my intensity. They are simply uncomfortable with others as well as their own so called negative emotions. The suppression of any of our natural reactions to life's experiences is what causes so much stress within our bodies, thus creating illness. I look forward to smashing some sh!t up and enjoying the invigorating freedom of releasing some of my pent up ****

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