15.

15.

I mentioned life before Iboga and after. What was I like before?

Reactive, impulsive, curious, demanding, frustrated, desperate at times, determined, wanting to be a good person but seeming to attract all kinds of people and circumstances into my life that made me feel out of control, and at times, out of place.

After Iboga, I am still all of those things, some negatives, but way more positives. I’ve realised the truth of myself and what I am capable of. My brain feels more alert, my intuition is full power. There are still people and circumstances that baffle me, and yet I find myself moving more smoothly in my ability to handle them.

I’ve just moved house, again! Yes, it has been maybe 7 times in the last year and a half!!

My furry cat beings have been relatively accommodating to the constant change. I am becoming more adaptable to change. I know that I have the ability to manifest, I know that I can protect myself from unwanted situations or people, but today I forgot that, and I resorted back to the past me, with exclamations of

“Help me, I need support” 

I’m having issues with my landlord, who I consider a friend. She seems reluctant to fulfill her obligations as a landlord and sees my basic requests as drama.

What is it here to teach me?

To realise that under the given circumstances of her relying on an income of tourism, that maybe her frustrations aimed at me are not actually to do with me.

I do not need to ask to have my needs met, I can meet them myself. I’ve never really understood this conversation so many hippies here have regarding duality and non duality. My basic understanding is that anything that creates separatism, sucks.

I have never really paid much academic attention to the gender divide, nor understood when the hippies say gender does not exist. I am learning more and more that it is less important the gender, and more important the discovery that we each have both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves within us. 

In order to feed myself and get my work done, I need to tap into my masculine side, that gets shit done.

In order to receive the love for myself that I need, once I have proactively gone out and achieved these things, my feminine side needs to learn to accept and receive these gifts. 

We’ve all, male or female, been affected by the massive Disney conditioning here in our current, now slowly fading, paradigm. The “if I work really really hard and make myself instagram enviably beautiful, one day my Prince will come to sweep me off my feet, providing for my every need” BS.I’m sure you can fill in the male equivalent of the Disney dream, that tempts you with feeling like a Prince, but secretly leaves you run down and miserable.

As I turn more towards myself to meet my needs, whilst also enjoying the company of others, I find my strength increase. I am no longer the needy, Holly Go Lightly mess of a girl I used to be. Surviving the mean streets of London has no place here on this small island. There are other battles, but none of them are needing to be won. The older generation of men here, seem to treat women as a commodity, one which either serves as whore or a wife, and outside of this arrangement there really is no need for them! I also know that this is merely conditioning, sewn from the roots of a very heavy Catholic brainwashing. I have no need to change it, just to observe, and to act from my own place of value and integrity. It’s not about being holier than thou, I know I have made many mistakes and made some very bad decisions, but the important thing is that I correct them once I know. To know and not to do is not to know, after all.

What did I learn from Iboga?

I learned the root cause of bipolar.

I learned that at this moment my body wants to eat meat and fish and no longer rely on a vegetarian diet.

I’ve learned that everything is good in moderation.

I’ve also learned that when we are in flow, everything works out, and everything is working out for our greater good. Yes! Even the lockdown. People are losing jobs, the economy is affected, but equally some people are having to reflect on their lives and make necessary changes that maybe they put off.

The skies are getting a rest from the planes, and we can hear the birds singing again. A gentle reminder to bring life back to the natural order of things, before skyscrapers and working 9-5 came into play.

I have days when I’m full of energy, and days when I need rest and play, and that is also in tune with the oceans, that one day roar with power, then barely ripple in the breeze the next.

What changes have you made or been forced to make during this lockdown.

I really am curious...