20.

20.

I feel  a little guilty about what I wrote yesterday, because that was only half of the story. I am super grateful to my patrons. And the truth is when I see those familiar names coming and going, it’s like friends leaving, and I look forward to them returning. As I sat on my bed writing last night, the other thing I had wanted to share is that, feeling so comfortable and content in my new apartment, those old memories of those 3 days I had so many years ago in my flat in London, when I made non-stop content, returned to me. I realised how much pleasure it gives me to share. The best times that I have had, either on youTube back in the day or Vidme, or here on Patreon, have been when I have really dedicated myself to sharing more of myself. Keeping you, my followers, included in every aspect of my life, and it feels good to be adding these diaries to my mediums of communication in which I share my stories.

I shall definitely be giving you a tour of my new home in one of my next AC Vlogs. It’s kind of kitsch and 70s in style in the kitchen area, and today I found myself making lemonade. It’s been a long day. I hired a car for the weekend to do my grocery shopping. I have been having sad dreams about my cat Lucy who went missing, and I felt compelled to continue the search. Putting more effort into finding her. I was so upset and shocked when the horse man that I had been volunteering for for over a year, shoveling horse shit most mornings, not only lost my cat, but got so angry with me, for questioning why he let her out early, he yelled at me to FUCK OFF! It really shocked me, and I think that shock got to me more than I realised. Shock, can at times paralyse me from taking action. The horse man was someone I had taken on like a surrogate dad, a place where I felt at home, amongst all the animals and horses, and since that day where he screamed at me, I have not felt safe to return. Today I asked a friend to go with me to the farm, and ask in my place if she had ever returned, he said no.

Over the next few days I will aim to print some pictures and raise awareness of her to the people here, in case she has been spotted somewhere on the island. Where I would start to look for her is anyone’s guess. I did do an animal communication class, and I really felt after this class, that I was able to communicate with her telepathically. Marvin is very verbal, so telepathy is not needed. My intention is that I will tune in and see if I can make contact with her remotely, and see if I can get any clues. I know if I have no luck, I will have to forgive myself and let go. Trusting that she is safe and that she has found food and shelter, and maybe even a home. I don’t know how I will find peace, but I also know that living with guilt and regret is not going to change anything.