State of Things

I had a conversation with my therapist on Saturday. Talked about the usual things: how much my sister is a selfish bitch, my body image, mental health, etc. One thing she knows about me is my writing. While she doesn't understand the finer details, she gets the general gist of things like Patreon and what I write about. She's always seen it as a good thing to work on stuff. Keeps me from being anxious.

Though a question came up through that and something I've reflected on over the past week or so: am I having fun? That's a hard question to answer. Do I still enjoy writing? Yes. Have I enjoyed writing as of late? Ehhhh that one's harder to answer.

Yes, there's the financial extrinsic factor that I'm always appreciative of. I hate saying it but the fact I make this much of a pretty penny through Patreon as a writer always baffles me. I didn't think it'd be like this two years ago.

But that is a statement that can be read positively and negatively. I always say 'thank you' when I make my posts because its true. I cannot thank you enough. It's allowed me to save for trips, for different wants and needs, and bills. However, that success is a double-edge sword at times.

Namely with my drive. Anyone who checks in on the Excel sheet may notice things haven't been the usual standard of output. And lord knows I've rewritten that writing calendar of mine several times over. Because that's just it. I haven't had much motivation. I've been treating writing as of late with avoidance.

Now I want to be perfectly clear with everyone here: This is the fault of no one but myself. I've seen some crazy ass crash outs from other writers and artists due to their customers (or in some cases a single customer that drives them bananas. Can give examples if pressed). No one person's ideas, story requests, etc. nor the collective group of them has caused any of this. But this is all on me.

There's reasons for it. As I mentioned the money motivator is good but my bigger motivation is seeing happy patrons. Like I get that dopamine boost when someone says 'I love it' or 'great job' and the like. Knowing that I helped to make your day better or put an idea you've wanted for so long to paper is great. It's something I always enjoy doing.

But then when I look at how much I've written or not written in a day, I keep having that 'fuck Wales. You can be doing more. You should be doing more!'. Someone asked 'whose expectations/standards do you feel like you're not meeting' and the answer is my own. Because I've gotten it into my head that not delivering something to you all on time shows that I'm not grateful, or I've disappointed you, made you upset, etc. (Note: the collective you).

Which is a dumb mindset to take that I haven't been doing work. Like I ran some numbers. Out of the 195 days so far this year, I've written for 80% of them at about 4 pages a day. My current consecutive word count is 415,091. Which on a 500 words per page average, that equates to about 118~ pages per month.

Is it a wonder I'm feeling burnout some?

And it'll only be a bad cycle if things continue. More burnout makes me feel more avoidance. Whenever I do write, I'll second guess what I'm doing and the quality could dip. An endless negative feedback loop of sorts ensues.

So, here's the deal. Right now, I'm on Rotation 2. You can see on Trello what all I got to do and such. Once that's done, I'm taking a break. At least two weeks in August to recharge the batteries and shake off that stuff. If I do any writing, it'll be more for myself as selfish as that sounds. That should give me the drive needed to focus on being a good writer for you all.

I hope this okay and its a decision that I hope you all understand. Thank you as always.

Quick Addendum: To a previous point, can I just say ya'll are amazing patrons? Like you all are super understanding and patient and just the best!

Addendum 2: Please don't feel like you need to cancel commissions or drabbles/requests for my sake. Once I shake it off like I'm Katy Perry I'll be in good shape.