Please Read

(This is a repost from FA! If you read my journal there, you do not need to read it here! This is just for those who missed the FA journal or do not use the site.)

Here's a post that took me a long time to get the courage to muster up and I really want people to read the whole thing. Please. It's probably the most important post I've ever made and it needs to reach people.

Let me preface this by saying I no longer feel like Klotzzilla. For over a year now, I've been focusing almost all of my efforts on my new account and new self. It's been tearing me up for a while now, but I think I'm ready to announce this again. My new account is Sunday's Playzone. I mentioned this account a few times before, but now I'm hoping more people are willing to check it out. Over a year ago now, I started my journey as a solely sfw artist. I was finally ready to relearn how to love art again. For more than half my life now, I haven't been drawing for myself in a sense. But now with switching to Sunday, I finally feel at home. I'm finally making the art I want to make. I know there are some who don't want to hear it, but this account makes me happy and I feel like this is truly who I am.

I haven't been very active here or anywhere, as I'm sure you all can see. I went from posting art nearly on the daily for years, to struggling to post even once a month. I can't quite pinpoint where it started, I only know it's gone on for far too long. Basically, I'm burnt out here, but even then that's an understatement. I've lost almost all of my joy for art on this account and almost all together. For over two years now, drawing content for Klotzzilla has been mentally and physically difficult for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't silently sobbing to myself nearly every time I had to pick up my tablet pen. I'm not trying to say this for sympathy, but more so to just get across how dire things have gotten for me.

I just think I'm done with this account and nsfw art for now. Honestly, I'm ready to admit I never chose this path to begin with. But please, don't misunderstand. I'm not saying I was forced or that every moment spent drawing content for my several accounts was torture! I had lots of fun along the way and I met so many amazing people and friends. Not only that, but thanks to being welcomed as part of the nsfw community, I've been able to open my mind to so many things. I'll forever be grateful for nearly everything I've experienced in my time here. That and just because I'm choosing to leave for now doesn't mean I never want anything to do with this community! It's been part of me for so long now, that it will never truly leave me entirely. But I still must admit that I was pushed into this line of work. (CW for themes of grooming and abuse)(I will keep this bit brief, as I don't like being too open online.) See, when I was young, I was sadly groomed by several individuals in the furry community. Part of this meant drawing art for them and being coerced into taking commissions. From there, my rather abusive ex further pushed me into taking commissions to help fill her wallet. After such a long time, it just stuck. I was making good money and didn't need to apply for "real jobs". 

Then, for the rest of my teenage and adult life, I've taken commissions because it's a job. I didn't hate my time drawing nsfw for people, but understand I never intended on this being my future. I can draw nsfw, but it's not what I want to draw. When I was younger, it didn't seem to bother me as much. I was still living with my parents and later I moved out with my sister. I didn't have to draw all that much, just enough for rent, bills and fun stuff. I had more than enough time to draw for myself and to do other things. Then gradually as I got older, prices went up and I had to take on the majority of the bills. With all this extra work, I had less time to myself. What was originally maybe a 4-6 hour work day, 5 days a week max, now turned into 10-12 hour days with no time off. I went from drawing for myself daily to drawing for myself once a season if I'm lucky. I cannot begin to explain to you all how awful that is. To be so strapped for money all the time, that you're forced to work constantly. No time off. I can't even do the thing I love most for myself anymore.

I'm so beyond tired. I never stop working, even now. Sure maybe I can squeeze in games with friends once a week or so, but gone are the days of breaks and vacations. So I work, almost day in and day out, every day of the week. But now it's not just the fact that I'm working myself to the bone. I'm also finally coming to terms with my past trauma and how I've been shoehorned into being something I never was to begin with. Now that I'm aware and I see the path I want to take in art and life, I can no longer stand by and keep this up. 

I've just struggled with how to bring this up until now. I'm stuck, worrying about how people will see me afterwards. Especially because I NEED commissions to live. It was easy to find something to enjoy in every commission when I had time in between to do my own art, but when all I have time to do is work, I lose myself. I no longer have room to try new things, to experiment. Everything has to stay the same, less I risk losing my financial support. Then to top it off, I no longer had an escape. As someone who's not interested in nsfw content outside of an appreciation for art, I was being forced to submerge myself in it. People expected me to be lewd, to draw adult content for myself and I did. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to to fit in. It was all a part of the job for me. But now that I found Sunday and I'm finally finding success there, I feel like I'm able to restart in a sense. No more masking, just me as I always wanted to be.

Now this isn't to say I ever intentionally took commissions knowing I would hate them and therefore, I wouldn't do my best. No, whenever I took on commissions, I gave them my all. Yet nowadays, I don't think I could even do that. I currently can't even choke my way through an adult commission. I break down every time I so much as think of working on them. It's caused me to slump into a deep depression and I'm only now trying to dig my way out of. None of you deserve art from me in that state.

There have been some upsides though. Again, I know I've briefly mentioned this in the past, but I've come to accept that I'm asexual and always have been. I feel at home and comfortable admitting my lack of interest in sexual content. It feels great knowing I no longer have to try to be something I'm not. I'm sorry for anyone out there who feels betrayed or like I was making an attempt to trick you. I assure you that was not the case. I didn't know who I was and just chose to be what I thought people wanted me to be. It was no one's fault and I didn't do it to hurt anyone.

So now, I'm at a bit of a crossroads, unsure of where to go. I think I know what to do, but I'm not sure what this means for me or this account.

I think for now, until the foreseeable future, I'll be keeping this account up, but it will mostly remain inactive. It will be used to post the occasional update, but I can't promise there will be much, or if any art. I won't be taking future commissions through Klotzzilla for the time being. However, you'll find me making content for my friends as well as participating in events such as FAPP since I still enjoy working on these projects. You can find all of this future content over on my patreon. It'll be used as a tip jar as well as a place for me to upload any future nsfw content. Any future art I draw that is nsfw or kinky in nature will now all be located to patreon as well as my website. Note, the art will not forever be locked behind a payment. It will eventually go live on patreon or find its way over to my website linked below.

Also, I want to say that no matter what I do or what I choose to do going forward, please know that no one made this happen. Aside from my past abusers, I don't hate, blame or resent anyone or any of the commissions I did. It just happened. It wasn't always doom and gloom. There was lots of fun had with my time spent in the nsfw side of the furry community. I had no idea I would end up here and no one is to blame for that. Certainly not my commissioners, fans and friends who have supported me. Whether a one off commission, continual support, or just giving me a watch; I appreciate everyone who has crossed my path and helped to keep me clothed and fed. You all have my thanks and I only hope that you either enjoyed my art at one point or continue to enjoy it well into the future. Also know that if you choose to stop supporting me, whether that be on patreon, through commissions or by unfollowing me, I don't mind. I just hope you enjoyed yourself!

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If you do want to continue to support me, then please, consider giving my new identity and account a glance. It might not be the content you came to expect from me, but it's what I'm happy making and you might enjoy it as well! If even just 5 people continue to support me in my new endeavors, I can make it. I'll have enough to continue on. But please, this is my sfw account and a place where I don't want any nsfw/lewd interactions.

FA: https://www.furaffinity.net/user/sundaysplayzone/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/SundaysPlayzone

If the new me still isn't for you, there will still be some of the Klotzzilla spirit left. You can find that over on my patreon or my website. Patreon will house all of my nsfw art going forward, however little I continue to produce. Eventually, all of this will go public and will be shared through patreon publicly, or uploaded and tagged over on the Klotz bouru.

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/Klotzzilla

Klotz Bouru: http://klotzzilla.art/

Thank you everyone who followed me for this long and to those who will continue to follow me. I'm not sure if my goodbye here is forever, but please don't hold on. You can be sad it's going for now, but be happy that I found something that makes me happy.